01g: Derek Jeter / Shakira

Dealing with Mom & Dad

Mom.....Ana Gasteyer
Patrick.....Chris Kattan
Bridget.....Amy Poehler
Dad.....Will Ferrell
.....Derek Jeter
Seth.....Seth Meyers
Justin.....Jimmy Fallon

Singers: (singing over footage)
"Thereís already too much to deal with
With school and a sister that drives you mad
But the hardest part of being swell
Is dealing with your mom and dad
Dealing with Mom & Dad!"

[Patrick enters the house, Mom rushes out to greet him]

Mom: Howíd the game go today, Patrick?

Patrick: Donít ask.

Bridget: Sounds like he struck out every time!

Mom: [sternly] Bridget, be nice.

Patrick: Besides, I screwed up so bad last week that they wouldnít even let me play.

Mom: Oh, itís okay, honey. Do you want some marshmallow squares?

Patrick: No, thanks, Iíd probably screw that up too.

[Dad comes in the door]

Mom: Gary! Youíre home early!

Dad: Well, Iíve got a client in the car and I just stopped by to pick up some important papers. [to Patrick] Howíd the game go, champ?

Patrick: It didnít.

Bridget: They wouldnít let him play because he stinks! P.U.!

Mom: [sternly] Bridget!

Dad: Maybe I can helpÖ

Patrick: Nothing personal, Dad, but you know about marketing, not baseball.

Dad: Oh, really? [opens the door for Derek] Patrick, Bridget, say hello to my friend, Derek Jeter!

Derek Jeter: [enters the house] Hey kids!

Bridget: Oh my god! If I was fifteen, I would SO have sex with you!

Mom: [sternly] Bridget!

Dad: Derek, I was just wondering if you could give Patrick some baseball tips.

Derek Jeter: Sure, what seems to be the problem?

Patrick: All the kids hate me, Ďcause last time I played, I struck out three times.

Derek Jeter: Donít worry, Iíve done that lots of times. Weíll go out in the yard and Iíll see if I can give you some pointers.

Patrick: [enthusiastic] Cool!

[they exit]

Mom: I didnít know you knew Derek Jeter.

Dad: Well, I do, and I think this is the confidence builder Patrick needs.

[Derek and Patrick enter]

Dad: Well, that was quick!

Derek Jeter: [apologetic] Hey man, your kid sucks.

Mom: You werenít out there very long!

Derek Jeter: Trust me, I canít help him. [To Dad] Letís go, Gary.

Dad: Wait! HeÖhe canít be that bad!

Derek Jeter: Iíve never seen anyone worse and I work with blind kids.

Dad: Ouch! That bad, huh?

Derek Jeter: Has he even seen a baseball before? Was he brought up in Europe or something.

Dad: Listen, Derek, all the other kids pick on him. Canít you help him?

Derek Jeter: You know what, I canít help him. Come here kid. [To Patrick] Donít play baseball, Ďcause you suck! Now letís roll, Gary!

Dad: I guess we have to go.

Mom: Gary! Do something!

Patrick: No mom, heís right. Iím crummy! I guess Iíd better get used to all those kids making fun of me.

Derek Jeter: Aw, heck, I donít usually do this, but I guess I could show you my secret technique, but itís not easy.

Patrick: Iíll work really, really hard, Mr. Jeter!

Derek Jeter: Then maybe, just maybe, we can pull this off.

[they exit]

Mom: Oh, I hope he can help!

Dad: He will!

Mom: You think so?

Dad: I think he will!

Mom: Oh, honey! [they embrace]

[Cut to the benches at a baseball game]

Patrick: [approaching a group of boys with Derek] Hey fellas! Mind if I play?

Seth: The girls are playing on the other field.

Justin: Yeah, we donít pitch underhand here.

Derek Jeter: Why donít you give him a chance?

Justin: Wow, Derek Jeter! Yeah, whatever you say, itís okay with me!

Derek Jeter: [to Patrick] Remember the secret technique. Now, go get Ďem, slugger!

Patrick: Okay, Mr. Jeter.

[Patrick starts hitting the boys with his bat]

Derek Jeter: WaitÖyou have to keep the back part downÖ

[Patrick continues to hit until a police siren interrupts him.]

Patrick: Thatís the cops! Weíd better get outta here!

Derek Jeter: Donít worry. If they catch us, Iíll just get Steinburg to pay them off again!

Patrick: Right. Mr. Jeter, thanks for helping me.

Derek Jeter: My pleasure. Youíre a good kid, Patrick, never forget that!

Patrick: I wonít.

[Derek begins hitting the boys]

[Cut to Patrick and Dad in the living room]

Dad: Öand then Derek swung the aluminum bat into Justinís spine? [laughs] Thatís priceless!

Patrick: It was funny! I like baseball!

Dad: Sounds like you learned a lot from Mr. Jeter.

Patrick: I sure did. He taught me that if you canít join ĎemÖbeat Ďem!

Announcer: Next time, on Dealing with Mom and DadÖ

[footage is shown with credits]

Patrick: [anxious] IÖIÖIím not sure IímÖ

Derek Jeter: You got the matches?

Patrick: I donít know if we should do this or not.

Derek Jeter: Remember, sheís the one who broke up with you, so she deserves it.

Patrick: I guess youíre right.

Announcer: Thatís next time!


Thanks to Ann*e Hussey for this transcript!

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