01g: Derek Jeter / Shakira
Dealing with Mom & Dad
Singers: (singing over footage)
"Thereís already too much to deal with
With school and a sister that drives you mad
But the hardest part of being swell
Is dealing with your mom and dad
Dealing with Mom & Dad!"
[Patrick enters the house, Mom rushes out to greet him]
Mom: Howíd the game go today, Patrick?
Patrick: Donít ask.
Bridget: Sounds like he struck out every time!
Mom: [sternly] Bridget, be nice.
Patrick: Besides, I screwed up so bad last week that they wouldnít even let me play.
Mom: Oh, itís okay, honey. Do you want some marshmallow squares?
Patrick: No, thanks, Iíd probably screw that up too.
[Dad comes in the door]
Mom: Gary! Youíre home early!
Dad: Well, Iíve got a client in the car and I just stopped by to pick up some important papers. [to Patrick] Howíd the game go, champ?
Patrick: It didnít.
Bridget: They wouldnít let him play because he stinks! P.U.!
Mom: [sternly] Bridget!
Dad: Maybe I can helpÖ
Patrick: Nothing personal, Dad, but you know about marketing, not baseball.
Dad: Oh, really? [opens the door for Derek] Patrick, Bridget, say hello to my friend, Derek Jeter!
Derek Jeter: [enters the house] Hey kids!
Bridget: Oh my god! If I was fifteen, I would SO have sex with you!
Mom: [sternly] Bridget!
Dad: Derek, I was just wondering if you could give Patrick some baseball tips.
Derek Jeter: Sure, what seems to be the problem?
Patrick: All the kids hate me, Ďcause last time I played, I struck out three times.
Derek Jeter: Donít worry, Iíve done that lots of times. Weíll go out in the yard and Iíll see if I can give you some pointers.
Patrick: [enthusiastic] Cool!
Mom: I didnít know you knew Derek Jeter.
Dad: Well, I do, and I think this is the confidence builder Patrick needs.
[Derek and Patrick enter]
Dad: Well, that was quick!
Derek Jeter: [apologetic] Hey man, your kid sucks.
Mom: You werenít out there very long!
Derek Jeter: Trust me, I canít help him. [To Dad] Letís go, Gary.
Dad: Wait! HeÖhe canít be that bad!
Derek Jeter: Iíve never seen anyone worse and I work with blind kids.
Dad: Ouch! That bad, huh?
Derek Jeter: Has he even seen a baseball before? Was he brought up in Europe or something.
Dad: Listen, Derek, all the other kids pick on him. Canít you help him?
Derek Jeter: You know what, I canít help him. Come here kid. [To Patrick] Donít play baseball, Ďcause you suck! Now letís roll, Gary!
Dad: I guess we have to go.
Mom: Gary! Do something!
Patrick: No mom, heís right. Iím crummy! I guess Iíd better get used to all those kids making fun of me.
Derek Jeter: Aw, heck, I donít usually do this, but I guess I could show you my secret technique, but itís not easy.
Patrick: Iíll work really, really hard, Mr. Jeter!
Derek Jeter: Then maybe, just maybe, we can pull this off.
Mom: Oh, I hope he can help!
Dad: He will!
Mom: You think so?
Dad: I think he will!
Mom: Oh, honey! [they embrace]
[Cut to the benches at a baseball game]
Patrick: [approaching a group of boys with Derek] Hey fellas! Mind if I play?
Seth: The girls are playing on the other field.
Justin: Yeah, we donít pitch underhand here.
Derek Jeter: Why donít you give him a chance?
Justin: Wow, Derek Jeter! Yeah, whatever you say, itís okay with me!
Derek Jeter: [to Patrick] Remember the secret technique. Now, go get Ďem, slugger!
Patrick: Okay, Mr. Jeter.
[Patrick starts hitting the boys with his bat]
Derek Jeter: WaitÖyou have to keep the back part downÖ
[Patrick continues to hit until a police siren interrupts him.]
Patrick: Thatís the cops! Weíd better get outta here!
Derek Jeter: Donít worry. If they catch us, Iíll just get Steinburg to pay them off again!
Patrick: Right. Mr. Jeter, thanks for helping me.
Derek Jeter: My pleasure. Youíre a good kid, Patrick, never forget that!
Patrick: I wonít.
[Derek begins hitting the boys]
[Cut to Patrick and Dad in the living room]
Dad: Öand then Derek swung the aluminum bat into Justinís spine? [laughs] Thatís priceless!
Patrick: It was funny! I like baseball!
Dad: Sounds like you learned a lot from Mr. Jeter.
Patrick: I sure did. He taught me that if you canít join ĎemÖbeat Ďem!
Announcer: Next time, on Dealing with Mom and DadÖ
[footage is shown with credits]
Patrick: [anxious] IÖIÖIím not sure IímÖ
Derek Jeter: You got the matches?
Patrick: I donít know if we should do this or not.
Derek Jeter: Remember, sheís the one who broke up with you, so she deserves it.
Patrick: I guess youíre right.
Announcer: Thatís next time!
Thanks to Ann*e Hussey for this transcript!