01g: Derek Jeter / Shakira Dealing with Mom & Dad Mom.....Ana Gasteyer Patrick.....Chris Kattan Bridget.....Amy Poehler Dad.....Will Ferrell .....Derek Jeter Seth.....Seth Meyers Justin.....Jimmy Fallon Singers: (singing over footage) "There’s already too much to deal with With school and a sister that drives you mad But the hardest part of being swell Is dealing with your mom and dad Dealing with Mom & Dad!" [Patrick enters the house, Mom rushes out to greet him] Mom: How’d the game go today, Patrick? Patrick: Don’t ask. Bridget: Sounds like he struck out every time! Mom: [sternly] Bridget, be nice. Patrick: Besides, I screwed up so bad last week that they wouldn’t even let me play. Mom: Oh, it’s okay, honey. Do you want some marshmallow squares? Patrick: No, thanks, I’d probably screw that up too. [Dad comes in the door] Mom: Gary! You’re home early! Dad: Well, I’ve got a client in the car and I just stopped by to pick up some important papers. [to Patrick] How’d the game go, champ? Patrick: It didn’t. Bridget: They wouldn’t let him play because he stinks! P.U.! Mom: [sternly] Bridget! Dad: Maybe I can help… Patrick: Nothing personal, Dad, but you know about marketing, not baseball. Dad: Oh, really? [opens the door for Derek] Patrick, Bridget, say hello to my friend, Derek Jeter! Derek Jeter: [enters the house] Hey kids! Bridget: Oh my god! If I was fifteen, I would SO have sex with you! Mom: [sternly] Bridget! Dad: Derek, I was just wondering if you could give Patrick some baseball tips. Derek Jeter: Sure, what seems to be the problem? Patrick: All the kids hate me, ‘cause last time I played, I struck out three times. Derek Jeter: Don’t worry, I’ve done that lots of times. We’ll go out in the yard and I’ll see if I can give you some pointers. Patrick: [enthusiastic] Cool! [they exit] Mom: I didn’t know you knew Derek Jeter. Dad: Well, I do, and I think this is the confidence builder Patrick needs. [Derek and Patrick enter] Dad: Well, that was quick! Derek Jeter: [apologetic] Hey man, your kid sucks. Mom: You weren’t out there very long! Derek Jeter: Trust me, I can’t help him. [To Dad] Let’s go, Gary. Dad: Wait! He…he can’t be that bad! Derek Jeter: I’ve never seen anyone worse and I work with blind kids. Dad: Ouch! That bad, huh? Derek Jeter: Has he even seen a baseball before? Was he brought up in Europe or something. Dad: Listen, Derek, all the other kids pick on him. Can’t you help him? Derek Jeter: You know what, I can’t help him. Come here kid. [To Patrick] Don’t play baseball, ‘cause you suck! Now let’s roll, Gary! Dad: I guess we have to go. Mom: Gary! Do something! Patrick: No mom, he’s right. I’m crummy! I guess I’d better get used to all those kids making fun of me. Derek Jeter: Aw, heck, I don’t usually do this, but I guess I could show you my secret technique, but it’s not easy. Patrick: I’ll work really, really hard, Mr. Jeter! Derek Jeter: Then maybe, just maybe, we can pull this off. [they exit] Mom: Oh, I hope he can help! Dad: He will! Mom: You think so? Dad: I think he will! Mom: Oh, honey! [they embrace] [Cut to the benches at a baseball game] Patrick: [approaching a group of boys with Derek] Hey fellas! Mind if I play? Seth: The girls are playing on the other field. Justin: Yeah, we don’t pitch underhand here. Derek Jeter: Why don’t you give him a chance? Justin: Wow, Derek Jeter! Yeah, whatever you say, it’s okay with me! Derek Jeter: [to Patrick] Remember the secret technique. Now, go get ‘em, slugger! Patrick: Okay, Mr. Jeter. [Patrick starts hitting the boys with his bat] Derek Jeter: Wait…you have to keep the back part down… [Patrick continues to hit until a police siren interrupts him.] Patrick: That’s the cops! We’d better get outta here! Derek Jeter: Don’t worry. If they catch us, I’ll just get Steinburg to pay them off again! Patrick: Right. Mr. Jeter, thanks for helping me. Derek Jeter: My pleasure. You’re a good kid, Patrick, never forget that! Patrick: I won’t. [Derek begins hitting the boys] [Cut to Patrick and Dad in the living room] Dad: …and then Derek swung the aluminum bat into Justin’s spine? [laughs] That’s priceless! Patrick: It was funny! I like baseball! Dad: Sounds like you learned a lot from Mr. Jeter. Patrick: I sure did. He taught me that if you can’t join ‘em…beat ‘em! Announcer: Next time, on Dealing with Mom and Dad… [footage is shown with credits] Patrick: [anxious] I…I…I’m not sure I’m… Derek Jeter: You got the matches? Patrick: I don’t know if we should do this or not. Derek Jeter: Remember, she’s the one who broke up with you, so she deserves it. Patrick: I guess you’re right. Announcer: That’s next time! [fade] Thanks to Ann*e Hussey for this transcript! SNL Transcripts