01g: Derek Jeter / Shakira

Dissing Your Dog

Dale Sturtevant.....Will Ferrell

Dale Sturtevant: Hi. I'm Dale Sturtevant. I've been raising dogs since I was six. And nothing has brought me more joy, or more sheer frustration, than training a puppy. With a very young pup, correcting problem behavior can be very maddening. And, like you, I've probably tried all the tricks - screaming myself hoarse, starving them, locking them in a closet for days on end, or just beating them without mercy. But after my third arrest and court-ordered anger-management counseling, I learned to channel my rage into an effective non-violent puppy training tool. It's called "Dissing Your Dog: how to train your puppy with mockery and verbal humiliation".

You see, dogs are much more intuitive than we give them credit for. They know when they're the butt of ridicule. And when they misbehave, a well-placed sarcastic comment or cutting remark can work wonders wherever a rolled-up newspaper fails. Whatever your puppy's behavior problem, I guarantee I can help you fix it.

Dale Sturtevant V/O: Problems like jumping on furniture..

Dale Sturtevant: Oh no, no, no, Humphrey, don't get up. You just stay there, relax. After all, you did put in a long day of work at a demanding high-stress job. Oh no, wait a minute, that's me! Now I remember! I'm the one with the job. You're the one who lies around the house all day in a pool of your own slobber!

[ dog jumps off couch ]

Dale Sturtevant V/O: Accidents in the house..

Dale Sturtevant: Hey, Walter! Thanks for your "help" with the new off-white sofa. Everybody agrees that dump you left there was the perfect "accent". So, good job. Oh, and by the way, Milton Berle called. He wants his bladder back.

[ dog climbs down from sofa and pees properly over a newspaper ]

That's a good job!

Dale Sturtevant V/O: Fussy eating habits..

Dale Sturtevant: Oh, right, Margaret, you wanted prime rib. Here's the deal: The Palm wasn't taking reservations, and I didn't even try Morton's because I understand they have a new chef. So for now, let's just go with the Alpo, okay? I know it's not your first choice but keep in mind, you're a f--king dog!

[ dog eats the Alpo ]

Dale Sturtevant: I'm so confident this program works, I'm gonna send you Volume 1 of the five-part series free of charge. Once you've seen it, I know you'll order the rest. [ looks down at dog ] Right, Murphy, you brainless sack of excrement? [ to camera ] She's being punished.

Announcer: To order "Dissing Your Dog", dial 1-800-555-0199. Call today.

Dale Sturtevant: Remember: there's one thing stronger than a dog's sense of smell - his sense of irony.

SNL Transcripts