01g: Derek Jeter / Shakira

Osama Pep Talk

Rachmed.....Horatio Sanz
Osama bin Laden.....Will Ferrell
Fighter #1.....Jimmy Fallon
Fighter #2.....Seth Meyers

Rachmed: Osama? It's confirmed. The Northern Alliance has control of Kunduz. Also, we have lost fifteen of our vehicles outside of Kandahar. The men are becoming despondent.

Osama bin Laden: Don't worry. Everything is going to be okay. I'll just give these guys a little pep talk, alright? Gather everyone around.

Rachmed: Okay, everyone, gather around! Osama wants to talk to you!

Osama bin Laden: Loyal brothers of the Taliban.. [ microphone shrills ] Oh! Hot mike! Hot mike! I kid! I kid! I open with a little joke! It doesn't say in the Koran we can't joke!

Fighter #1: Yes, it does.

Osama bin Laden: Okay. Okay. Sorry, sorry. Look, I'm not going to lie to you. We lost Kunduz, and it looks like the Northern Alliance is tearing us a new one.

Fighter #1: You can say that again, brother! We're screwed!

Osama bin Laden: Okay. Guys. Stop helping! Okay. Listen up. Sure, they've taken all of our strongholds, and reclaimed 90% of the country. But that's part of the plan!

Fighter #1: That sounds like a not very good plan!

Osama bin Laden: I mean it! Stop doing that, guy! I tell you, this plan is good. Because their armies are getting overconfident.. and then they will sneak in.. and we will give them the old one-two! Am I right? Rachmed, help me out. Am I right?

Rachmed: Hell yeah, you're right! We're behind you! Death to the Infidels!

Taliban: Death to the Infidels!

Rachmed: We will not be happy until the Holy Land is rid of the Great Satan! Death to the Infidels!

Taliban: Death to the Infidels!

Rachmed: We cannot be tempted with a $25 million reward! Death to the Infidels!

Taliban: Death to the Infidels!

Fighter #1: Wha..? How much money?

Rachmed: $25 million!

Osama bin Laden: Okay, Rachmed, please.. easy.. easy..

Fighter #1: Is that Afghani dollars?

Rachmed: No! Are you crazy!

Fighter #1: Saudi dollar?

Rachmed: No! American dollars! The sweet, long green, my friend! But we won't be tempted with money!

Osama bin Laden: You know what, I'll take it from here!

Fighter #1: Hey, what exactly do we have to do for the money?

Osama bin Laden: It's too complicated to explain!

Fighter #1: No, we're willing to listen! Aren't we!

Fighter #2: $25 million? You've got my ear! How do we get it!

Osama bin Laden: [ stalling ] I'm.. not even sure how it works..

Rachmed: Boss, it's simple! I'll explain! It's a $25 million bounty on Osama's head! Cash on the barrel! Okay? No questions asked! But.. we don't care about that.

Osama bin Laden: Rachmed, please. Go check on the goats.

Rachmed: The goats are fine. I checked them earlier. So.. $25 million -

Osama bin Laden: Alright, super. Now, back to the plan.

Fighter #1: Hold on.. if Osama turns himself in, we get $25 million.

Rachmed: Don't be stupid! He doesn't have to turn himself in. You bring him in - dead or alive! They give you the money!

Osama bin Laden: Trust me, trust me.. $25 million is not worth selling out your beliefs!

Rachmed: Listen to him, he knows what he's talking about! He's got $25 million big ones, unlike you people!

Osama bin Laden: Listen.. you know what? You're not helping! You're not helping! [ Taliban discusses it amongst themselves ] Now come on, guys, you don't want that money. It won't buy you happiness.

Fighter #1: We can at least get a better place to live than this cave!

Osama bin Laden: What are you talking about? It's cool to live in a cave. Batman lives in a cave!

Fighter #1: No, he didn't! Batman lived in a mansion above the cave! With a butler!

Osama bin Laden: No, I know. I know the show, I'm not stupid! Listen, you get me off track. Please. I was trying to tell you my strategy for winning the war. Now, where was I?

Rachmed: You were saying how you are a millionaire, and all these people eat dirt.

Osama bin Laden: I was not saying that!

Fighter #1: I was saying that, yes.

Rachmed: Oh, yeah yeah! Sorry, Boss. You were saying how the Northern Allinace, along with the Americans, are giving us a royal ass-kicking, and that, somehow, this is a good thing. Continue.

Osama bin Laden: Okay, Rachmed, sit down, please.

Rachmed: I've got your back, man!

Osama bin Laden: Sit down!

Fighter #1: What about the $20 million?

Rachmed: It's $25 million, you pig! Don't sell my man bin Laden short, man, come on!

[ the Taliban get out of control ]

Osama bin Laden: Everybody, calm down! Please! Please! Listen.. I was holding this off until later, but.. [ holds up videotape ] ..I've got a bootleg copy of "Harry Potter". You can go in my room and watch it. I've got a VCR, there's a keg in there, have some beer.. Me and Rachmed have some planning to do. So, remember, keep up the good fight, death to the Infidels, all that good stuff.. Tthat's all for now.

[ Taliban exits, Osama and Rachmed sit on a rock ]

Rachmed: That didn't go that bad.

Osama bin Laden: [ sarcastic ] You were a big help! A big help!

Rachmed: Okay, where to now, Boss?

Osama bin Laden: Out the back of this cave, dum-dum, where do you think? Do you have my razor, by the way?

Rachmed: Yeah, I got your razor..

[ they exit to the back of the cave ]

[ fade ]

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