01h: Hugh Jackman / Mick Jagger
White House Meeting
President George W. Bush.....Will Ferrell
Condaleeza Rice.....Maya Rudolph
Colin Powell.....Dean Edwards
General Meyers.....Seth Meyers
Dick Cheney.....Darrell Hammond
Al Gore.....Darrell Hammond
Donald Rumsfeld.....Darrell Hammond
[ open on exterior, White House ]
[ fade to interior, President George W. Bush holding meeting with Condaleeza Rice, Colin Powell and General Meyers ]
President George W. Bush: Thanks for coming, Connie, Colin, General Meyers. I’ve called this meeting because with the campaign in Afghanistan winding down, the time is fast approaching when we’ll have to deal with Saddam Hussein to finish a job that should’ve been finished ten years ago - thanks, Dad! Now, General Meyers has been exploring our military options. And as soon as Secretary Rumsfield gets here, he'll lay them out for us.
Condaleeza Rice: What about the Vice-President?
President George W. Bush: Well, Vice-President Cheney is joining us via videophone from an undisclosed secure location. [ presses button ] Dick? Are you there?
Dick Cheney: I'm here, Mr. President. Condaleeza, Colin, General Meyers.. good to be with you.
President George W. Bush: You're looking good! Where are you, anyway?
Dick Cheney: [ chuckles ] Mr. President, you know I can't tell you that!
President George W. Bush: Sorry.
Dick Cheney: That's quite alright. [ mimes telephone to his ear and whispers ] Connie.. call me!
[ phone rings ]
President George W. Bush: That'll be Rumsfeld. [ picks up phone ] Hello!
[ screen shows a bearded Al Gore talking on the phone ]
Al Gore: Well, hello, Mr. President.
President George W. Bush: Oh, hi, Al. How are you.
Al Gore: Wonderful! I finally got through! Listen. I'm just calling to let you know that, despite our differences in the past, I'm fully behind you at this time.
President George W. Bush: Well, that's very kind.
Al Gore: Well, you know, I just want to offer my services n any way I can to your administration. I'm actually not all that busy right now, so I'm available to help.
President George W. Bush: Well, thanks, that's good to know. Listen, I may have to let you go, because we're kind of in the middle of something. You understand.
Al Gore: Oh, certainly, that's why I'm offering my help. Right now, you've got so much on your plate with foreign policy. If you want me to handle, say.. domestic, or whatever.. I'd be available. Because this is a good time for me. It is, I mean, schedule-wise.
President George W. Bush: Well, thanks, Al, I appreciate that, but I dn't know if that's really possible..
Al Gore: Or just environmental policy.
President George W. Bush: I don't think so, Al..
Al Gore: Maybe I could give blood?
President George W. Bush: I think we're okay on that.
Al Gore: You know, I was thinking - what if we made an appearance together, say, at the White House? After everything we've been through, it'd be a tremendous show of unity for the country. My barber suggested that.
President George W. Bush: Uh-huh. Yeah, that might be good. Later on.
Al Gore: Wouldn't that be something? By the way, I want you to know that I do consider you the winner of the election. Over the last six months, I've personally counted every Florida ballot myself. And you did win, although it was clo-ose!
President George W. Bush: Right, well.. well, that's great and all. Listen, I've really gotta get rolling here..
Al Gore: I triple-checked, using every conceivable standard.
President George W. Bush: Well, good for you.
Al Gore: [ consulting notebook ] With hanging chads, you won with 159 votes. With swinging chads, you won by 112 votes..
Condaleeza Rice: Who are you talking to?
President George W. Bush: [ hand over mouthpiece ] Gore.
Al Gore: [ still rambling on ] ..you won by 47 votes..
President George W. Bush: Uh-huh. Terrific. Al, listen. We've got a lot of work here.
Al Gore: You know, our appearance together, it doesn't have to be a joint statement. It could just be a photograph.
President George W. Bush: Right. Well, maybe sometime when things cool down.
Al Gore: We don't have to be the only people in the photograph. I mean, you could be with other people, and I could be behind you in the background just being supportive.
President George W. Bush: Sure. Sure. Maybe when I've got more time.
Al Gore: Sure, I understand. If you're too busy, you could just send me a picture of yourself, and I could simply put us together using Adobe Photoshop.. and then I could release it with your full approval.
President George W. Bush: Al, we may have to pick this up another time.
Al Gore: How about this? As a way of showing my contempt with bin Laden, I could stand with you and publicly shave my beard so I'll look more like you and less like him.
President George W. Bush: What are you talking about?
Al Gore: Well, I recently grew a beard.
President George W. Bush: No, I know you grew a beard, Al.
Al Gore: Mr. President, I am begging you, get off the phone!
President George W. Bush: Right, right.. Al..
Al Gore: I just think it'd be one more way to allow people to finally get some closure on this election!
President George W. Bush: Al, no defense. I think right now people are focused on the war on terror. They're way past this election stuff. I know I am.
Al Gore: [ sighs heavily ] Well, George, with all due respect, you're the one holed up in the White House. I'm out with the people. And, let me tell you, whenever people come up to me, they talk about the campaign and the extremely narrow election and how I feel about it.
President George W. Bush: Well, come on. You're Al gore. What else are they gonna talk to you about!
Al Gore: Well, you don't have to be snippy about it.
President George W. Bush: I'm not being snippy!
Al Gore: You are being snippy.
President George W. Bush: I am not being snippy! That's not being snippy! Explain to me how that's being snippy.
Al Gore: It most certainly is being snippy! Why..
[ Donald Rumsfeld enters the room ]
Donald Rumsfeld: Who is it?
[ Rumsfeld crosses the room and seizes the phone from President Bush's hands as Gore continues to ramble on ]
Donald Rumsfeld: Get off the phone!
Al Gore: May I ask to whom I'm speaking?
Donald Rumsfeld: Donald Rumsfeld! Get off the phone!
Al Gore: Okay, bye! [ hangs up ]
Donald Rumsfeld: Goodbye!
Al Gore: Talk about being snippy! "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"