Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 8




01h: Hugh Jackman / Mick Jagger

The Robert Goulet All Holiday Special

Robert Goulet…… Will Ferrell
Voice Over…… Darrell Hammond
Watson…… Darrell Hammond
Michael Crawford…… Hugh Jackman
Elf……Chris Kattan

Robert Goulet: [singing]
"Just hear those sleigh bells ring-a-ling ding ding ding-a-ling diiiing
It’s lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with youuuuu."

Hello. Robert Goulet here. It’s that time of year again. Fruitcakes, mistletoe, channukahs. The whole bag. You know, it’s the holiday season and we over here at the USA Network have cooked up a doozy. It’s the Robert Goulet All Holiday Special, taped live here in fabulous Lake Tahoe, Nevada.

[singing]
"‘Come’, they told me, pa-ra-pa-pa-pum
A new born king to see da-ba-doo be-doo-be-doo-beee."

Stuff like that. And don’t worry there’ll be some Jewish stuff, too.

[sings mockingly]
"Dreidel-doodle-didle Tra-la-dreidel-doodle…"

The dreidel song! But believe me, it doesn’t stop there. Do you like classic rock and roll?

[cuts to Robert Goulet in very bad red and yellow suit singing Proud Mary with back up singers]

Voice Over: It’s the Robert Goulet All Holiday Special. Music, dancing and hilarious comedy spoofs written by Robert himself!

[Cuts to Robert Goulet in Sherlock Holmes costume]

Robert Goulet: Watson! Get in here. I’ve discovered a clue!

Watson: What is it, Mr. Sherlock Holmes? [Starts laughing]

[Both laugh uncontrollably as Robert Goulet pulls out a large pair of women’s underpants from the dresser]

Robert Goulet: It’s Monica Lewinsky’s undergarments! [Cracks up laughing] Oh, I love this political stuff! We’ll cut all this, don’t worry…

Voice Over: It’s Goulet, Robert Goulet, along with Broadway’s hottest stars. Like Michael Crawford.

[Cut to Michael Crawford in ‘Phantom of the Opera’ costume and Robert Goulet wearing a lopsided mask over the top of his sunglasses]

Robert Goulet: [singing] "Floating, falling. Sweet intoxication."

Michael Crawford: [singing] "Touch me, trust me. Savour each sensation."

Robert Goulet: "Let the dream begin."

Michael Crawford: "Let your darker side give in."

Both: "To the power of the…"

[Goulet falters and Crawford begins to show him up]

Michael Crawford: "…music that I write. The power of the music of the niiiight!"

[Goulet punch Crawford in the stomach]

[Cut to Robert Goulet on rooftop with Elf]

Robert Goulet: [singing]
"Up on the rooftop reindeer paws,
Out jumps good old Santa Claus.
Down through the chimney with lots of toys,
All for the little ones Christmas joys."

Elf: [singing]
"Ho! Ho!Ho! Who would know?
Ho! Ho!Ho! Who would know?"

Robert Goulet: [begins singing] "Up on the rooftop…" [slips and falls off roof] Ow! Ow! If I didn’t break my arm it sure as hell felt like I did… No, I see the bone, I definitely broke it.

[Cuts to Robert Goulet with his arm in plaster as well as Michael Crawford, Elf and back-up singers]

Robert Goulet: So join me, Robert Goulet, and all my friends. Whaddya say we bring this puppy home?

[singing]
"Hurry home for Christmas
Hurry home for Christmas."

Do you smell smoke?

[Room starts to fill with smoke]

"Hurry Home for Christmas
Till you’re home for Christmas Daaaay… I smell smoke!
Till you get here jingle, dingle, jingle not a single day…"

Good God that’s a lot of smoke! What’s going on here?

[Cast starts to walk off stage]

"Since you’ve been away dear No reindeer have come here…"

Everyone’s clearing out, that’s interesting.

"Santa Claus, of course, dear
Za ba doo ba..."

It might have been my cigar, I don’t know! [camera frame drops] Hey! Camera Man! You can’t leave, what are you doing? Oh boy, this special is doooomed.

"Da ba doo da be doo…"

[begins talking to stuffed goat on stage]

What’s that, Clive? No I don’t speak Spanish. What sort of question is that? Have you been drinking? [to camera] Oh well, just watch the show. Happy Holidays everyone…

Voice Over: The Robert Goulet All Holiday Special: look for it!.... Sometime.


Submitted by: Johanna Hunt


SNL Transcripts