01h: Hugh Jackman / Mick Jagger
DJ Johnatan Feinstein....Seth Meyers
Stanley Justin....Hugh Jackman
[Opens with Jarret's computer screen, electronic
beeps,dreadlocked Jarret fixes the web-cam on himself.
He sits at the edge of his bed in his room.]
Jarret: What's up everybody? It's me Jarret coming to
you live from McGinn Hall here at Hampshire College.
It's kind of quiet here right now because everyone
already went home on Christmas break. Me and Gobi
decided to stick around and have the dorm all to
ourselves. We thought it would be cool like the movie
"The Shinning" then remembered that the guy in "The
Shinning" went crazy and tried to kill his family.
Anyway I'm joined by my in-house DJ. DJ Johnatan
Feinstein! What's up Johnatan?!
[Pushes camera to the side, Johnatan has an Eurotrash
look on him. Big sunglasses, bleached blond hair. He
stands in front of his music equipment, turntables,
DJ Johnatan Feinstein:[English accent]Wicked! All I
can say is I hope everyone gets what they want for
Christmas and have a merry boxing day!
Jarret: Hey, Johnatan how come you didn't go home for
Christmas this year?
DJ Johnatan Feinstein: Me mom didn't have the quid to
pay the Concorde back to Heathrow!
Jarret: Dude, for the last time you're from New Jersey.
DJ Johnatan Feinstein:[demoralized, American
accent]Hey, let me have my thing, man. I'm not hurting
anyone.[English accent]But check out this wicked
[Plays "Where's your head at?" abrupt change in music
"Grandma got run over by a reindeer..." Jarret fixes
the camera on himself again]
Jarret: All right, cool. Well, you may have seen my
next guest passed out on the 30 yard line of the
football field during the last week's game against
Bowden. Please welcome my best friend and roomate,
[A long purple glass tube slowly starts appearing in
front of Jarret. Gobi is heard off screen]
Gobi:[to the tune of "2001 a Space Oddysey"]Bo-o-ong!
Bo-o-o-o-ong! Bo-o-o-o-o-o-o-ong![his face right into
the camera, laughing] BIG BONG!!! HAHAHA!!! Whooo!!
Check it out, dude! I got my Christmas present from my
Jarret: Your parents got you a bong for Christmas?
Gobi: No. They got me money. Told me to get some
books. Hahahaha!!! Oh, man! Oh yeah, I forgot to tell
you. You know that bag of stash that you had hanging
above your door? I smoked it.
Jarret: That wasn't my stash, dude. That was mistletoe.
Gobi:[thinks]I smoked it.[laughs]
Jarret: I'm pretty sure that stuff is poisonous. You
should go see a doctor.
Gobi: Aww, whatever dude!
Jarret: Well, Christmas is almost here and you know
what that means. Pretty soon those awesome Christmas
specials are going to on tv. Some guy I know tipped us
off to this cool thing you should try at home. If you
watch "Santa Claus is coming to town" while listening
to "White Room" by "Cream" it totally matches up. Check it out.
[Jarret clicks computer keys, cuts to a claymation
cartoon of a talking snowman with Santa Claus. Music
plays "In a white room/with black curtains/in the
station" Reindeers take Santa flying. Cut back to
Jarret and Gobi bouncing up and down on the edge of the bed.]
Jarret and Gobi: AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
Gobi: NO WAAAAAAYYY!!!!
Jarret: I swear to God...[Jimmy cracks up to Horatio's
shout] after the 10th time it kind of works.
Gobi:[probably ad-lib] Kind of works. Oh dude, it
totally looks like Ronald McDonalds was playing drums.
Jarret:[Jimmy is lost]What are you talking about?
Gobi: You know....
[Jimmy cracks up again]
Jarret: I'm pretty sure that mistletoe is plastic.
Gobi:[fake fear] Oooohhhh, oooohhhh....
[Jimmy cracks up hard]
Gobi: EVEN BETTER!!! Aaahh...
Jarret: All right. Our next guest is the other kid
who's staying on the dorm over the break. Please
welcome, Stanley Justin.
[Camera pans to the door. In comes Stanley, a real
ultra nerd,braces on his teeth prevent him to
completely shutting his mouth. DJ Johnatan Feinstein
plays "Grandma got run over by a reindeer..." Stanley
scratches some on the turntable, gives big thumbs up
and sits at the dge of the bed with Jarret and Gobi]
Jarret: Hey, man.
Gobi: What's up, man?
Stanley Justin: How is it going? It's great to be
here, Jarret. Before we begin, can I say something? Is
Jarret: Yeah, yeah.
Stanley Justin: Are you ok? Ok, I'd like to address
Mr. Sam Raimi if I may, ok. As you all know, "Spider
man" is going to be played by none other than low-key
mumbler Tobey McGuire. Hey, geniuses why don't you
throw in Michael Caine as Captain America and you can,
you know just have the whole cast of "The Cider House
Rules" destroy the Marvel Universe in one long swoop!
I ask you,[face right in the camera]are you people
trying to ruin my life??!! No, seriously, man!
Jarret: We used to make fun of Stanley but he showed
us how to hook up one of those internet spy-cams in
our roomate's Jeff room. So Stanley is here to
introduce our newest segment Jarret's Room's Funniest
Home Videos. Ok.
[Caption: Jarret's Room's Funniest Home Videos. Jarret
plays some bongos]
Stanley Justin: Ok, we collected over 300 hours of
footage from the spy-cam in Jeff's room and we've
selected 3 finalists.
Jarret: The first clip is what we like to call "Eye of
[Spy-cam shows Jeff shirtless, making muscles and bad
ass faces. "Rocky III" theme "Eye of the Tiger" plays.
Back to Jarret's room]
Jarret: What a meathead! If I wasn't fully convinced
that he could kick my ass I would totally rag on him
Stanley Justin: Ok, the next clip is one I've entitled
"Stop and smell the roses"
[Spy-cam shoes Jeff in bed taking underwear from a
laundry basket and smelling them]
: Dirty.[Tosses it aside. Grabs another brief,
smell it]Dirty.[tosses it aside, grabs another
skivvie, deep whiff]Re-e-e-ally dirty.
[Back to Jarret's room Gobi, Jarret and Stanley are
Jarret, Gobi and Stanley: Eeeewwww!!!!
Stanley Justin: Gross, man!
Jarret: I get the feeling he's not just checking to
see if those were really clean.
Stanley Justin: No, the important thing to realize is
that that clip goes on for like 3 more hours!
Gobi: OH, NO!!!![Stanley and Jarret look back at
Gobi]THAT WAS MY LAUNDRY BASKET!!!!
[Gobi jumps in the bed. Grabs Jarret and Stanley
Stanley Justin: The last clip is entitled "Guess who's back?"
[Spy-cam shows Jeff attaching a shaving razor blade to
ruler. Jeff has foam on his back and starts shaving
Jeff: Smooth as a baby's ass.
[Back to Jarret's room. Jarret, Gobi and Stanley make
Jarret, Gobi and Stanley: Eeeeewwwww!!!!
Jarret: Gross.That's all the time we have. I want to
thank Stan and Gobi. This is Jarret logging off! DJ
Johnatan Feinstein take us out!
[DJ Johnatan Feinstein plays "Grandma got run over by
a reindeer". Log off.]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel