Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 27: Episode 8

01h: Hugh Jackman / Mick Jagger

Jarret's Room

Jarret....Jimmy Fallon
Gobi....Horatio Sanz
DJ Johnatan Feinstein....Seth Meyers
Stanley Justin....Hugh Jackman
Jeff....Jeff Richards

[Opens with Jarret's computer screen, electronic beeps,dreadlocked Jarret fixes the web-cam on himself. He sits at the edge of his bed in his room.]

Jarret: What's up everybody? It's me Jarret coming to you live from McGinn Hall here at Hampshire College. It's kind of quiet here right now because everyone already went home on Christmas break. Me and Gobi decided to stick around and have the dorm all to ourselves. We thought it would be cool like the movie "The Shinning" then remembered that the guy in "The Shinning" went crazy and tried to kill his family. Anyway I'm joined by my in-house DJ. DJ Johnatan Feinstein! What's up Johnatan?!

[Pushes camera to the side, Johnatan has an Eurotrash look on him. Big sunglasses, bleached blond hair. He stands in front of his music equipment, turntables, volume levels]

DJ Johnatan Feinstein:[English accent]Wicked! All I can say is I hope everyone gets what they want for Christmas and have a merry boxing day!

Jarret: Hey, Johnatan how come you didn't go home for Christmas this year?

DJ Johnatan Feinstein: Me mom didn't have the quid to pay the Concorde back to Heathrow!

Jarret: Dude, for the last time you're from New Jersey.

DJ Johnatan Feinstein:[demoralized, American accent]Hey, let me have my thing, man. I'm not hurting anyone.[English accent]But check out this wicked Holiday remix!

[Plays "Where's your head at?" abrupt change in music "Grandma got run over by a reindeer..." Jarret fixes the camera on himself again]

Jarret: All right, cool. Well, you may have seen my next guest passed out on the 30 yard line of the football field during the last week's game against Bowden. Please welcome my best friend and roomate, Gobi!

[A long purple glass tube slowly starts appearing in front of Jarret. Gobi is heard off screen]

Gobi:[to the tune of "2001 a Space Oddysey"]Bo-o-ong! Bo-o-o-o-ong! Bo-o-o-o-o-o-o-ong![his face right into the camera, laughing] BIG BONG!!! HAHAHA!!! Whooo!! Check it out, dude! I got my Christmas present from my parents!

Jarret: Your parents got you a bong for Christmas?

Gobi: No. They got me money. Told me to get some books. Hahahaha!!! Oh, man! Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. You know that bag of stash that you had hanging above your door? I smoked it.

Jarret: That wasn't my stash, dude. That was mistletoe.

Gobi:[thinks]I smoked it.[laughs]

Jarret: I'm pretty sure that stuff is poisonous. You should go see a doctor.

Gobi: Aww, whatever dude!

Jarret: Well, Christmas is almost here and you know what that means. Pretty soon those awesome Christmas specials are going to on tv. Some guy I know tipped us off to this cool thing you should try at home. If you watch "Santa Claus is coming to town" while listening to "White Room" by "Cream" it totally matches up. Check it out.

[Jarret clicks computer keys, cuts to a claymation cartoon of a talking snowman with Santa Claus. Music plays "In a white room/with black curtains/in the station" Reindeers take Santa flying. Cut back to Jarret and Gobi bouncing up and down on the edge of the bed.]

Jarret and Gobi: AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!


Jarret: I swear to God...[Jimmy cracks up to Horatio's shout] after the 10th time it kind of works.

Gobi:[probably ad-lib] Kind of works. Oh dude, it totally looks like Ronald McDonalds was playing drums.

Jarret:[Jimmy is lost]What are you talking about?

Gobi: You know....

[Jimmy cracks up again]

Jarret: I'm pretty sure that mistletoe is plastic.

Gobi:[fake fear] Oooohhhh, oooohhhh....

[Jimmy cracks up hard]

Gobi: EVEN BETTER!!! Aaahh...

[Jimmy recovers]

Jarret: All right. Our next guest is the other kid who's staying on the dorm over the break. Please welcome, Stanley Justin.

[Camera pans to the door. In comes Stanley, a real ultra nerd,braces on his teeth prevent him to completely shutting his mouth. DJ Johnatan Feinstein plays "Grandma got run over by a reindeer..." Stanley scratches some on the turntable, gives big thumbs up and sits at the dge of the bed with Jarret and Gobi]

Jarret: Hey, man.

Gobi: What's up, man?

Stanley Justin: How is it going? It's great to be here, Jarret. Before we begin, can I say something? Is that ok?

Jarret: Yeah, yeah.

Gobi: Yeah.

Stanley Justin: Are you ok? Ok, I'd like to address Mr. Sam Raimi if I may, ok. As you all know, "Spider man" is going to be played by none other than low-key mumbler Tobey McGuire. Hey, geniuses why don't you throw in Michael Caine as Captain America and you can, you know just have the whole cast of "The Cider House Rules" destroy the Marvel Universe in one long swoop! I ask you,[face right in the camera]are you people trying to ruin my life??!! No, seriously, man!

Jarret: We used to make fun of Stanley but he showed us how to hook up one of those internet spy-cams in our roomate's Jeff room. So Stanley is here to introduce our newest segment Jarret's Room's Funniest Home Videos. Ok.

[Caption: Jarret's Room's Funniest Home Videos. Jarret plays some bongos]

Stanley Justin: Ok, we collected over 300 hours of footage from the spy-cam in Jeff's room and we've selected 3 finalists.

Jarret: The first clip is what we like to call "Eye of the Tiger"

[Spy-cam shows Jeff shirtless, making muscles and bad ass faces. "Rocky III" theme "Eye of the Tiger" plays. Back to Jarret's room]

Jarret: What a meathead! If I wasn't fully convinced that he could kick my ass I would totally rag on him about that.

Stanley Justin: Ok, the next clip is one I've entitled "Stop and smell the roses"

[Spy-cam shoes Jeff in bed taking underwear from a laundry basket and smelling them]

: Dirty.[Tosses it aside. Grabs another brief, smell it]Dirty.[tosses it aside, grabs another skivvie, deep whiff]Re-e-e-ally dirty.

[Back to Jarret's room Gobi, Jarret and Stanley are disgusted]

Jarret, Gobi and Stanley: Eeeewwww!!!!

Stanley Justin: Gross, man!

Jarret: I get the feeling he's not just checking to see if those were really clean.

Stanley Justin: No, the important thing to realize is that that clip goes on for like 3 more hours!

Gobi: OH, NO!!!![Stanley and Jarret look back at Gobi]THAT WAS MY LAUNDRY BASKET!!!!

[Gobi jumps in the bed. Grabs Jarret and Stanley shaking them]

Stanley Justin: The last clip is entitled "Guess who's back?"

[Spy-cam shows Jeff attaching a shaving razor blade to ruler. Jeff has foam on his back and starts shaving his back.]

Jeff: Smooth as a baby's ass.

[Back to Jarret's room. Jarret, Gobi and Stanley make disgusted faces]

Jarret, Gobi and Stanley: Eeeeewwwww!!!!

Jarret: Gross.That's all the time we have. I want to thank Stan and Gobi. This is Jarret logging off! DJ Johnatan Feinstein take us out!

[DJ Johnatan Feinstein plays "Grandma got run over by a reindeer". Log off.]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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