01h: Hugh Jackman / Mick Jagger

Loose Bear

Kyla.....Amy Poehler
Ana.....Ana Gasteyer
Husband.....Jeff Richards



[ open on mothers Kyla and Ana seated a child's birthday party ]

Ana: Kids, I've got your juice! Ohh!! [ accidentally knocks paper cups over ]

Kyla: Slow down, you're moving too fast.

Ana: My problem is I'm not moving at all.

Kyla: Constipation?

Ana: I haven't gone in weeks.

Kyla: I've got just the thing for you - Loose Bear. [ holds out product ]

Ana: Mmm.. I've tried laxatives.

Kyla: Loose Bear's not a laxative. It's a mild hallucinogen made with real salmon glands.

Ana: Salmon glands? I like that.

Kyla: You see, constipation comes as a result of increased tightening of the bowel muscles. The pain can be serious.

[ show flashback of Kyla experiencing constipation pain as she sits up in bed ]

Kyla V/O: One eight-ounce can of Loose Bear, and minutes later you're alone in a wooded forest.

[ show image of Kyla being chased by a bear through the forest ]

[ she screams, waking up to reality in bed with her hair standing on end ]

Husband: Honey, what's wrong?

Kyla: I just got the crap scared out of me!

Husband: Good. Now, let's go back to bed.

[ cut to Ana, with hair standing on end, jogging past Kyla on the street ]

Ana: Hey, Kyla! Thanks for the Loose Bear. That thing really scared the crap out of me! I only wish I was near a toilet!

Announcer: Loose Bear. Get scared s--tless. Side effects may include uncontrollable pissing and heart failure.


SNL Transcripts