Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 27: Episode 8

01h: Hugh Jackman / Mick Jagger

Superman's Fortress of Solitude

Superman....Hugh Jackman
Jor-El....Will Ferrell
Superman's mom....Maya Rudolph
Superman's Grandma....Rachel Dratch

[Opens with a shot of the icy fortress of solitude in the North Pole. Superman goes in and stands in front of a bunched up ice made crystals in a podium]

Superman: Finally, after a lifetime of wondering I will discover the secrets of my past. With this crystal the mystery of my true identity will be revealed.

[Pushes crystal into the podium, a big face of a white haired man appears. Heroic music plays]

Jor-El: My son. You do not remember me. I am Jor-El. I am your father.

Superman: Father!

Jor-El: As time is measured on earth I have been dead for many thousands of years.

Superman: Who am I?

Jor-El: You are Kal-El. The last son of Krypton. Defender of the light that is truth and justice.

Superman: Father, I have so many questions.

Jor-El: And together we shall find the answers. All my knowledge, all my wisdom are stored in this crystals I bequeath to you. My only son.

[Heroic music stops. Awkward pause]

Jor-El: So, how's it going?

Superman: Fine.

Jor-El: That's good.

Superman: How are you?

Jor-El: Great.

Superman: Cool.

Jor-El: You need any money?

Superman: No, no. I'm all right.

Jor-El: Good.

Superman: Thanks, though.

Jor-El: Sure.[long uncomfortable pause]You're mother wants to say hello.

Superman: Oh, cool.

[Jor-El goes away, big face of Superman's mom appears, heroic music plays]

Superman's Mom: My dear Kal-El. As time is measured on earth....

Superman: Yeah, dad already told me that, mom.

[Heroic music stops]

Superman's Mom: Oh, so how are you sweetie?

Superman: Fine.

Superman's Mom: You're so grown up. And colorful.

Superman: What's that supposed to mean?

Superman's Mom: Oh, nothing, nothing. So, do you have any friends?

Superman: Friends? Yeah, Lois Lane.

Superman's Mom: Oh, you have a girlfriend.[relieved]Thank God.

Superman: No, mom, mom, mom. She's not really my girlfriend.

Superman's Mom: Oh.

Superman: Yeah, we're just buddies, we're just buddies like Jimmy Olsen, this teenage kid I hang out with.

Superman's Mom:[distressed]Oh...

Superman: What?

Superman's Mom: Nothing, nothing, no, nothing I, your father wants to say something.

[Angry whispering between the two big heads of Superman's parents]

Jor-El: Hey, son.

Superman: Hey, dad.

Jor-El: So, what else? Do you have a dog?

Superman: No, no. I'm thinking of getting one though.

Jor-El: Good. Great. You should. Well, anyway I better let you go.

Superman: Say good-bye to mom.

Jor-El: You bet.

Superman: Ok, bye dad.

Jor-El: Oh, Kal-El?

Superman: Yeah?

Jor-El: Nothing. See ya.

Superman: Ok, bye.

[Jor-El's face disappears. Superman puts another crystal into the podium. An old white haired lady's big face appears]

Superman's Grandma: Hi, Kal-El!

Superman:[bored]Hi, grandma.

Superman's Grandma: Listen, I was just thinking....

[Superman's Grandma keeps talking engaging Superman in another pointless, boring family conversation]


[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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