01i: Ellen Degeneres / No Doubt

Ellen Degeneres' Monologue

.....Ellen Degeneres



Ellen Degeneres: Wow, thank you very much! This is very exciting, to be hosting "Saturday Night Live". I've wanted to do this for a long time. It's my first time, and it's an honor and a thrill. And I love New York. This is exciting to be in New York. And I really do, you know? There are a lot of people who say it, but they don't actually mean it. Like Gwyneth Paltrow. She said it, but I don't buy it. You know, she's gone as far as to get an apartment here - "Oh, I live here!" I don't have an apartment here, you know? And I very rarely come here, so I mean it, I really do love New York.

And I love that I'm hosting "Saturday Night Live", I love a lot of the cast members, they're fantastic. you know, some are not, but a lot of them are really good, so it's really great to be here. They've been so nice to me all week long. Well, of course they have to be nice to me - I'm the host. Also, I go and tell the press that they're homophobic, so they have to be nice.

But that's another thing I should probably tell you - I'm not gay. I'll tell you what happened - I was at a party, it doesn't matter whose house it was, but.. alright, it was Mario van Peebles' house. So, anyway, I'm with a whole bunch of people hanging out at the above ground pool, just a bunch of people, names are not important. Anyway, everyone's telling stories, and everybody's trying to top each other.. so LeVar Burton says he just went to Cancun. And then Gary Busey says, "I just got a mini-fridge." And, if that's not making me feel bad enough, then Kathy Griffin says, "I'm gonna start parting my hair down the side instead of in the middle." You know, where do I go, what do I do to top that? So I said, "I'm gay." And that shut them up.

But then the press got a hold of that and just went nuts with it and everything, and I thought I should just run with it, free publicity, it's gonna be wonderful for my career. So I have to take a moment right now, though, and thank my wonderful husband Jerry. He's been so supportive, staying home and keeping the house nice, while I'm out gaying it up, fruiting up the town, $3 billing it, throwing the old wet frisbee, winking at the pastor, all the things gays do. Anyway, he's not complaining, he's at home with a brand new ping-pong table and George Foreman Grill. So, God bless you, Jerry, it really takes a special man to put up with that.

Actually, it's worked out pretty well for me, you know? One thing I've learned is, if you want to be America's sweetheart, tell them you're gay. It's actually been fantastic, because people expect it from me, so I guess I'm gonna stick with it for a while - as opposed to other people.

We have a great show. No Doubt is here. Stick around, we'll be right back.


SNL Transcripts