01i: Ellen Degeneres / No Doubt
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey
.....Mayor Rudolph Guiliani
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey."
Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey.
Tina Fey: Well, all in all a pretty hilarious news week, huh? A lot of very funny news this week.
First of all the Bush administraton released the newest Osama bin Laden tape, which, if you haven't seen it, it's like a cross between a boring wedding video and every nightmare you've ever had. It's on video, rent that one.
Israel and Palestine are getting worse and worse every day. These people hate each other so much that they are fighting over a piece of land the size of a Wendy's. The're fighting over a piece of land so small, they could only have an above-ground pool on it. piece of dirt so little, that if you found it inyor salad, you wouldn't even send it back. It's crazy.
And then on Wednesday, George Bush pulled out of the 1972 Anti-Ballistic Policy, a decision Russia is calling a "big mistake". But it's not a mistake - we've got that cool missile defense system, that thing's ready to go, right? No? It's not? They haven't invented it yet? Oh, they could never do it, it's impossible? Oh, great.
Then, they find more anthrax in Washington, in a place they had already "de-thraxed." Guess they're not as good as cleaning out the "thrax" as they thought they were! Good thing we never found any anthrax in this building... oh wait, we totally did!
So anyway, I'm going to sleep now. Good night! [ lays head down on newsdesk ] Back to you, Jimmy.
American Express announced that it's cutting 6,500 jobs, its third round of layoffs this year. When told of the firings, a spokesman for Mastercard said, "Priceless."
NBC will become the first broadcast television network to accept commercials for hard liquor in over 50 years. Not to be outdone, Fox is now showing ads for crack.
Tina Fey: With security tightened at U.S. airports, many travelers say that security patdowns are too initmate and intrusive, and are going too far, even among flight crews. One stewaress reported that, while being given a patdown, the hand of the female securrity guard cupped her breast, then lingered there before slowly moving down to explore her hard, taut belly. She became flushed as the woman's hot breath filled her ear, while she slipped her other hand under her skirt, meandering up her thigh, until she found what she had been looking -
[ cut to "Please Stand By" graphic ]
[ cut back to Tina leaning back in her chair, and Jimmy pretending to smoke a pencil like a post-coital cigarette ]
Jimmy Fallon: Wow, that was a great joke... [ motions to touch Tina's shoulder ]
Tina Fey: Don't touch me!
Snoop Dogg is predicting that GM stock will go up with the introduction of his limited-edition Snoop Deville Sedan. Especially since it was named "Best New Sedizun of the Yizun" by Cizzun and Drizun Magazizzin.
One of Osama bin Laden's estranged wives is claiming that, rather than be captured, bin Laden has always planned to kill himself on television. "Of course," she added, "he's also been telling me he's gonna put up that ceiling fan in our cave for, like, two years, so I'll believe it when I see it."
Playboy has launched a line of men's underwear and loungwear, ranging from silk Hefner pajamas to glow in the dark shorts. The lines expected to be a big seller among guidos.
Tina Fey: Here now, with ideas for romantic holiday gifts, is our own Tracy Morgan.
Tracy Morgan: Thanks, Tina! You are looking good, as always. We will talk about that at the party, because you make my heart beat, girl!
So, now is the time to buy Christmas presents for your wife, and you don't have to spend a lot of money to show you care. Like, here's one idea - make up a little coupon book with things like "Good for one free back rub". I gave one to my eife last year. It had coupons like a "Come Home Now" card, which means anytime, day or night, she could call me wherever I was, and I would leave the strip club immediately and come home right away, or at least in a few hours.
I also gave her a coupon for a fancy romantic dinner. Now, you may ask do I consider spicy buffalo wings at the dog track a fancy dinner? Yes, I do!
Tina Fey: Tracy, your wife might like it if you bought her something from an actual store.
Tracy Morgan: Well, Tina, there's always the classics, like a nice pair of Isotoner gloves, or a Toni Morrison book, or a bag of weed. Now that's a gift that keeps on giving. But dudes that really want to make Christmas romantic, here's what you do - you go, you find yourself a nice Victoria's Secret store, you buy some dirty-looking thongs and slide it under the tree, and tell her you can't wait to see her in it. Because it's all about making her think that when you two are doing it that you're actually thinking about her. Now, we all know that you ain't. You're thinking about Toni Braxton or Jada Pinkett, or, in my case, the chubby red-headed girl that works in the NBC store downstairs. You know who you are, girl - you're thick, you're thick, you're thick! [ growls ]
Now, I don't feel bad about saying all this about my wife, because she sure as hell ain't thinking about me. How do I know? 'Cause my name ain't Denzel! Merry Christmas, everyone!
Tina Fey: Tracy Morgan, everybody.
Ingless, Florida Mayor Caroline Ricsher made headlines last week when she officially banned Satan from her town. So with a tear in his eye,
Satan packed his bags and left, vowing one day to return to Florida - for your souls!
It was reported that Bryant Gumbel and his girlfriend Hillary Quinnlynn got engaged last week. The couple are planning a white wedding - very, very white.
Jimmy Fallon: Monday marks the star-studded premiere of "The Lord of the Rings" starring Elijah Wood as Frido and Ian McKellen as Randolph.
Tina Fey: Wait, I think you mean Frodo and Gandalf -
Jimmy Fallon: Nerd Alert! Nerd!!
A scientist for the Wildlife Preservation Society is the first person to ever discover homosexual behavior in wild orangutans. When asked exactly how he discovered homosexual behavior, the scientist got really quiet.
Gary Busey was arrested for alleged abuse after his ex-wife Tiani complained the actor had abused her. To be fair, Busey had warned her not to sit so close to his enormous teeth on Steak Night.
Jimmy Fallon: Well, this is the last live show in 2001.
Tina Fey: That's right, and on December 31st, at midnight, we will not only say goodbye to 2001, we will also say goodbye to our mayor. Ladies and gentlemen, his Honor, Mayor Rudolph Guiliani.
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Thank you very much!
Tina Fey: Now, Mr. Mayor, when your term ends on December 31st, you'll be leaving City Hall, which raises the question - do you have to? Do you have to leave?
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Yes, Tina, I have to.
Jimmy Fallon: Where are you going? Can we come with you?
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: No, Jimmy, you can't go with me. Where I'm going is a lonely frontier of risk and solitude. A place no man has ever before dared to go. It's not a place for tender beginners like you.
Jimmy Fallon: I thought you were going to be a consultant or something.
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Whatever. You can't come with me.
Jimmy Fallon: Understood. Well, we'd like to send you off with a little play we wrote. Tina will be playing the role of New York City, and I will be playing the role of you. [ places strip of costume hair across his head ]
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: How's that look like me?
Jimmy Fallon: That's your combover! [ starts to sing ]
"Tonight, you're mine, completely
You gave your love so sweetly
Tonight the light of love is in your eyes
But will you love me tomorrow?"
"Tonight, with words unspoken
You say that I'm the only one."
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani:
"But will my heart be broken?
When the night meets the morning sun?"
"I'd like to know that your love
Is a love I can be sure of."
"So tell me now, and I won't ask again
Will you still love me tomorrow?
Will you still love me tomorrow?"
Tina Fey: Will we still love you tomorrow? We'll see.
Jimmy Fallon: We're New Yorkers, what do you expect?
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: From New Yorkers, I expect nothing less.
Tina Fey: And we, as New Yorkers, want to thank you for holding us together in the hardest time we've ever known.
Jimmy Fallon: For "Weekend Update", I'm Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey.
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: And I'm Rudy Guiliani. Good night, New York, and have a pleasant tomorrow.