01j: Josh Hartnett / Pink

Wake Up Wakefield

Megan.....Maya Rudolph
Sheldon.....Rachel Dratch
Mr. Banglian.....Horatio Sanz
Zack Bodorf.....Josh Hartnett
Randy Goldman.....Jimmy Fallon



Megan V/O: From Wakefield Middle School, it's time for "Wake Up Wakefield". Fun facts and important announcements for the students of San Jose.

Megan: Well, it's 7:55 and we are coming at you live from room 312 in the audio/visual department. I'm your host Megan, and this is my best friend and co host Sheldon.

Sheldon: (nervous) hey.

Megan: As always, we are joined by 'Jazz Times 10'.

(cut to band, only 2 members are there)

Sheldon: 'Jazz Times 10' is missing a lot of their members because of the strep throat epidemic… way to hang together guys.

Megan: Yeah, a lot of students were exposed to strep… especially anyone who participated in last Thursday's 'spin the bottle' game in the back of the band bus.

Sheldon: Yeah… I'm glad I wasn't a part of that.

Megan: Alright, well it's the first show of the New Year. Sheldon, do you have any new year resolutions?

Sheldon: Umm…I wanna translate 'The Hobbit' into Latin. Like everybody, I wanna get to the gym more… and, you know, try to conquer my chronic insomnia.

Megan: Yeah, Sheldon is afraid that if he goes to sleep, his dad will leave.

Sheldon: I, I told that in confidence…did you make any resolutions?

Megan: Well, since it's a New Year, I am working on a totally new me - one that is both self-confident and independent as a woman. And if that makes Randy Goldman wanna make out with me, he totally could.

(Megan pulls up her legs. On her shoes there are pictures of her and Randy)

- Hey Megan, spelled m-e-g-a-n.

- Wow, you totally got my name right, this must be a dream.

- No it's not, I love you, let's get married.

- Hey, what's happening… (make-out sounds)

(Megan puts her feet down)

(sigh) that was totally intense… and awesome…

Mr. Banglion: Hey gang! (to the band) Hey guys,, how you doing?

Megan & Sheldon: Hi Mr. Banglion.

Mr. Banglion: Hey everybody, came by to drop a little science on ya… strep's in the hizaous! So here are a few tips to keep your throat healthy and tip number 1 - don't share lip smackers, not a good idea.. tip number 2 - don't put your tongue on the water fountain. I know you like it but it's not a good idea. And number 3 - take your C's, get your Z's, avoid disease! (waves hands from side toside) That's the anthem so… wash your darn hands up!! (laughs) Alright, I'm out of here. Byezees!!!

Megan & Sheldon: Bye Mr. Banglion.

Mr. Banglion: I'm walking, there I go!

Megan: Right… okay well, our guest today is here to talk about inter-mural sports. Please welcome fellow seventh grader, Zack Bodorf.

Zack: (in a shaky changing voice) What's up you guys? How you guys doing?

Megan: Hey Zack.

Sheldon: Umm… ok umm, Zack, I understand you are the charter member of the inter-mural club.

Zack: Yeah. I started a Tai Kwan Do club because I'm real interested in marshal arts and I really like violence.

Megan: Hey Zack, you got tall… I think your pants are pretty awesome, I mean… I don't care, it's just that I think it's pretty cool when a guy is not afraid to wear caprises.

Zack: These aren't really capris, you see I had kind of a.. (cough, his voice gets deeper) I had kind of a growth spurt over Christmas so…

Megan: Yeah, you used to be pretty shrimpy like Sheldon.. but now you're all rugged like Ashton Kutcher. That's cool, I don't even care, it's just that you're probably good at kissing…. Right?

Sheldon: Now, according to worldbook.com, Tai Kwan Do is a modern marshal art from Korea, characterized by fast, high-spinning kicks. How about a demonstration?

Zack: Sure Sheldon. Well, first the base is you gotta warm up before doing it so… warm up. (throws some punches in the air)

Megan: Wow…

Zack: Alright. And now… (to Megan) I'll demonstrate on you. This one is called 'The Angry Cat'.

Megan: Mmm… what is this incising, spicy scent?

Zack: Oh, that's uhh, men's Spead Stick… I started to use deodorant… anyway, this is how you flip a guy. (flips Sheldon to the floor)

Megan: Oh my god! I think you totally knocked him out!

Zack: Oh, I'm sorry Sheldon! I didn't mean it! sometimes I don't even know my own strength anymore!

Sheldon: Is this blood or pen?

Megan: It's, it's pen.

Randy Goldman: Hey, what's up?

Megan: Oh my god! Randy! This is so awkward you walking in on me and Zack like this… but maybe it's for the best.. ok? So let's just be adults about this and just lay our cards on the table… I never meant to hurt you!

Zack: What are you talking about?!?

Randy Goldman: Whatever.. later dude.

Zack: Yeah dude…

Randy Goldman: Later Mandy

Megan: Oh later… my name's Megan… back to you Sheldon.

Sheldon: Well, that's all the time we have. Signing off, I am Sheldon.

Megan: And I am the future Mrs. Zack Bodorf!!!

Zack: What?!?

Megan: Oh nothing… 'Jazz Times 10' take us out!

[ fade ]


Thanks to Tal Horwitz for this transcript!


SNL Transcripts