01k: Jack Black / The Strokes

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

.....Jimmy Fallon
.....Tina Fey
Amelie.....Chris Kattan
.....Jack Black
.....Kyle Gass



Announcer: from Studio 8H in Rockefeller Centre, its Weekend Update, with Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey.

Tina Fey: Hi. I’m Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon, and here are tonight’s top stories:

The British Royal family finally acknowledged that 17 year old Prince Harry has a problem with binge drinking and pot smoking. They knew he had a problem because every time he was referred to as the ‘Royal Highness’ he giggled.

Larry King has signed a 56 million dollar deal with CNN. The broadcaster is now financially set for the rest of his wives.

This week ABC declined to air a 25th Anniversary special on their ground-breaking mini-series ‘Roots’. The decision not to run the special was made by ABC network programming executive, The Man.

For those of you who don’t remember, ‘Roots’, it follows a saga of Kunta Kinte from young African tribesman, to slavery, to becoming literate, and eventually being the top of his class at Star Fleet Academy.

According to financial reports, the Enron Corporation paid no income taxes for 4 of the last 5 years, because apparently Enron had its taxes done by Willie Nelson.

Tina Fey: You know, I’ve been reading about this story all week, and I figured out that Republicans are geniuses, because they keep their scandals so incredibly boring that people will stop paying attention to them. Democratic scandals have words like fondle, intern and murder. Republican scandals have words like Over-sight-subcommittee-chairman and partially-exempted-multi-lateral-platform. Come on, that’s so boring!!

Basically, the Enron executives ran off with hundreds of millions of dollars, and their employees lose all their life savings. Basic evil guy stuff. Its like tying a woman to the rail road tracks, or trying to take over the world with a laser beam, like the casadine. Also, Enron had all of these shady, foreign subsidiaries to avoid taxes. , and they have 690 subsidiaries in the Kayman Islands. (in Jamaican voice) ‘What do you do for a job man? I braid the white girls hair by the cruise ship, I sell a little weed, and then on the weekend me a SCEO officer subsidiaries Enron’

(Back to normal voice) Now Enron’s accounting firm Arthur Anderson is in trouble because they destroyed several months worth of documents. Ok, in this day and age, how can you not possibly know that if you shred documents your going to get in trouble?!? Its like if your girlfriend says ‘Hey, lets go on the Jenny Jones show, I have a surprise for you’. How can you not know that’s bad? Its not gonna be good.

Then on Friday, Enron fired Arthur Anderson as their accounting firm; that’s gonna be a blow right? To be fired by a totally bankrupt company. Its like Tom Green divorcing Drew Barrymore, you know Drew was like (Doing Drew Barrymore impression) “ So your getting rid of me? That’s amazing”. (Back to normal voice) so now the government is investigating the whole thing, alright. But John Ashcroft had to recuse himself, because Enron donated money to his campaign, same with President Bush, Dick Cheney, Joe Lieberman has recused himself now. The commerce secretary, the treasury secretary-- basically the only person in the country without any sort of tie to Enron is that kid out of the Dell Computer Commercial. But I’m pretty sure Steve will get to the bottom of this because he’s a very bright kid. Back to you Jimmy.

Big news in today’s New England/ Oakland play off game as President Bush successfully ate a Pringle.

Friends star Jennifer Anniston suffered minor injuries after getting into a car accident on Hollywood. The other driver had his car totalled, but on the upside he gets to tell his friends he rear ended Jennifer Anniston.

Both: Oh snap!! You didn’t!! Oh snap!! (continually)

This week in Florida a plaque honouring actor James Earl Jones for an upcoming Martin Luther King day event was mistakenly inscribed James Earl Ray, the man who killed Dr. King, its true. According to the plaque designer, it was an honest mistake (shows a picture of a Kloo Klux Klan member holding a plaque)

A new study shows that the Dead Sea is dropping at a rate of 2.5 inches a year. Also dropping at a rate of 2.5 inches a year: Martin Landau’s testicles.

Tina Fey: Interesting science…

Jimmy Fallon: Well that’s--

(A LOUD KNOCK)

Jimmy Fallon: Did you hear that?

Tina Fey: Yeah, I think there’s someone at the Update door. I’ll go get it.

(TINA OPENS DOOR AND A SILENT AMELIE WALKS IN)

Tina Fey: Oh Jimmy, look who it is. Its your friend Amelie from the French film of the same title.

(AMELIE WALKS IN NOT MAKING A NOISE)

Tina Fey: Hi Amelie.

Jimmy Fallon: Amelie, its good to see you. How are you?

(AMELIE PUTS HER HAND ON HER MOUTH)

Both: Awwwwwww…

Jimmy Fallon: Did you say hi to Tina?

(AMELIE WAVES)

Tina Fey: Hi Amelie.

Jimmy Fallon: What did you bring us? What’s that, a spoon?

(AMELIE WAVES A SPOON AROUND)

Jimmy Fallon: Awwwwwww… Is there anything you want to say to the audience?

(AMELIE PUTS HER HAND OVER HER MOUTH AND SHAKES HER HEAD FRANTICALLY. SHE RUNS AWAY)

Both: Goodbye Amelie.

Tina Fey: She is adorable.

Jimmy Fallon: She’s so cute.

Tina Fey: She’s very endearing, very cute…

Judges at the upcoming Winter Olympics have warned figure skaters to keep their acts clean and have banned costumes that give the appearance of nudity or are too tight. Men, however are still free to quote ‘Take it to Bulge City’

Tina Fey: The Red Cross have been reviewing conditions this week at Camp X-Ray, where Al Kyda and Taliban prisoners are being held. Here with an opinion is Jimmy.

Jimmy Fallon: Thanks Tina, and no one else. The Red Cross-- (looking around) I didn’t hear any applause (Audience claps, so Jimmy throws his pencil). I forgot to press the applause button. They’re just tired of me. (Jimmy laughs). The Red Cross is in Cuba this week and reviewing conditions of a prison camp called Camp X-Ray, and I have an Opinion. (the lights flicker to give an X-Ray effect)

I know as Americans we support human rights, but do we really have to make sure these terrorists aren’t sad? The Red Cross is saying that these conditions are inhumane because they are exposed to the elements. What elements are they worried about, the Tropical weather, Cuban cigars or cool music? I saw ‘Buena Vista Social Club’. By the way, the paper says they are giving them bagels. I know these guys hate Jewish people, but they’re lying in the sun, eating bagels with a smear each day; they’re more Jewish than Alan Sherman. (Begins singing) ‘Hello Moula, hello Ala, here I am at, camp Poulacha-pa-cha-pa’ (stops singing). They also claim that prisoners are in dually restricted in their movements. Hey, I live in a studio apartment in New York city. I can’t even do this (waves hia arms) without knocking something over. I am restricted! Red Cross, if you want to help someone help me. I bet the pubic would rather me have a nicer apartment than have terrorists getting a freaking smoothie! Why are you trying to improve their living conditions? They’re suicide bombers. They hate living conditions. They don’t want to live under any conditions, and if you make them live better, that’s inhumane. I have an Opinion on Camp X-ray (lights flicker).

According to officials in South Carolina, cuts in the states education department may hurt gifted children. Also hurting gifted children: all of the other children.

Fox is making a feature film for the comic strip ‘Garfield’. Meanwhile a very different Hollywood story going on for ‘Heath-cliff’ who was last seen on Sunset Boulevard offering sex for tuna.

Jimmy Fallon: Now here with a commentary on the Middle East, the worlds greatest rock and roll band, Tenacious D.

JB: Thank you James. Hello, I’m JB, this is KG we’re the D. Thank you. Now when we’re not at the crib kicking out the jams, we spend most of our time studying the Middle East’s geo-politics, and this troubled region is the fulcrum of which the Earths delicate balance rests. We piked the brains of the nations foremost collegiate professors in order to better understand these intricate and ancient conflicts, and we think we’ve finally got it sorted out, right KG?

KG: Yeah.

JB: So we’d like to debut this song on which we feel explains exactly what’s going on over there. (KG begins to play guitar) Its called ‘Hornets Nest’

Hornets, hornets, whatcha gonna do about the hornets?

Hornets, hornets, whatcha gonna do??

Hornets nest, hornets nest, the Middle East is just a crazy hornets nest.

Hornets nest, hornets nest, whatcha gonna do??

KG: Pakistan…

JB: Hornets nest!

KG: Taliban…

JB: Hornets nest!

KG: East Sedan…

JB: Hornets nest!

KG: Mongolia…

JB: Hornets nest!

KG: London, England…

JB: Hornets nest!

KG: Miami, Florida…

JB: Hornets nest!

KG: The whole damn thing…

JB: Hornets nest!

JB:

Put on a protective suit.

Dive straight into the hornets nest

Searching for the queen hornet

Sipping the delicious honey

(JB begins to hit imaginary hornets with a flyswat with an American flag stuck to both sides)

AND STOP!

Jimmy Fallon: Sanction, precious, penetrating Tenacious D!!! For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.




Thanks to Roseanne S. for this transcript!


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