01l: Britney Spears

Inside Barbie's Dreamhouse

Barbie.....Amy Poehler
Skipper.....Britney Spears
Ken.....Chris Kattan
Announcer.....Rachel Dratch



[Light flute music plays as we fade in on a shot of a pink and purple dollhouse in a girl’s room]

Announcer: And now we go inside Barbie’s Dreamhouse!

[ open on Barbie, wearing a green nightgown with clear high heels, trying on one of her hair gems and looking at herself in the mirror ]

Barbie: Skipper, do you think this hair gem makes me look old?

[Skipper enters the room, wearing a pink, see-through negligee]

Skipper: [ cheerfully ] No, Barbie, don't be silly!

Barbie: Skipper, I'm 43. At some point, a glow-in-the-dark, dark crystal, bejeweled butterfly tiara is.. is just a little ridiculous.

Skipper: [changes the subject] Can I have the keys to the 'Vette? I'm going out.

Barbie: [ stern ] Not like that, you're not.

Skipper: It's a post-pajama fun party!

Barbie: Mmm-hmm.. [points to Skipper’s bare feet] You’re not even wearing shoes!

Skipper: [ looks down ] I lost all my shoes.

Barbie: Who's gonna be at this "pajama fun party"?

Skipper: Everybody!

Barbie: Who's "everybody"?

Skipper: Well, Jam 'N Glam Theresa, and Ski Sensation [hesitates]…Kira, and Glitter Fun Kristy, and Ethnic Kristy.

Barbie: Are there gonna be boys there? “Action guys”?

Skipper: [ naive ] I don't know..

Barbie: Who's gonna be there? X-Men? Rescue Heroes? Ultimate Soldier?

Skipper: I don't know.. there might be some collectible Hobbits.

Barbie: [puts her foot down] No way! You're not going!

Skipper: What are you talking about?

Barbie: You're staying here, and you're staying out of trouble!

Skipper: Barbie, you're not the boss of me!

Barbie: I don't want you making the same mistakes I made!

Skipper: Barbie, I'm nothing like you!

Barbie: You are just like me, Skipper! You're my daughter!

Skipper: [stands up, stunned over the news] What did you say?

Barbie: Skipper, Skipper.. [ they both walk behind the Barbie couch ] I'm your mother. [holds Skipper by the upper arms]

Skipper: No, you're not! [shoves Barbie’s hands away from her] You're my sophisticated older sister, Barbie!

Barbie: Honey, I know it's always been "Skipper! She's Barbie's little sister!" "Barbie's kid sis, Skipper!" But you're old enough to know now—I'm your mother. Haven't you ever wondered why we look so much alike? Or why we're both double-jointed?

[ they each lift a leg clear past their head ]

Skipper: Oh, my God! You told me mom died in an Easy-Bake Oven accident.

Barbie: Sit down, sweetheart..

[ they drop their legs back into place, then walk around to sit on the couch ]

Barbie: I'm sorry I told you those thinga. I was young.. I was alone.. G.I. Joe was in Vietnam.. Ken was in Canada.

Skipper: So, so, does this mean Ken's my father?

Barbie: Oh, no. No, no, no, no. [laughs] Ken’s not your father. The 70's were a crazy time! I experimented a lot. Your father is a Han Solo action figure.

Skipper: [horrified by the revelation] He's not even our scale! What kind of slut are you?!

[ Barbie gasps and slaps Skipper across the face. Skipper falls over with a dazed stare on her face ]

Barbie: How dare you talk to me like that! I have given my whole life to getting you the best of everything! Don't you have a Sparkle Fantast Unicorn! Don't you live in a Dream House!

Skipper: It's not my dream! It's your dream!

[ Barbie runs across the room and cries rapidly while Skipper cries on the couch ]

[ A moody Ken enters and slams the door behind him]

Ken: Hello.

Barbie: What, Ken?

Ken: I need my tux.

Barbie: Fine!

Ken: Where?

Barbie: Upstairs.

Ken: You.. look tired.

Barbie: Ken, please..

[ Ken turns and exits upstairs ]

[ Barbie strolls back over to Skipper ]

Barbie: Did you know how many jobs I took to take care of you? I was a teacher, a ballerina, an astronaut, a princess, a competitive skater. [sits down next to Skipper] Don't you remember that time I was a business lady? I had a suit and a briefcase! I raised those Lhasa Apsos for a while—that was a bust. It was all for you, because I love you. [ extends a stiff arm to stroke Skipper's hair ]

Skipper: I'm gonna need some time to process this.

[ Ken returns downstairs carrying a suit in a pink dry-cleaning bag]

Ken: Don't call me. I'll be in Malibu.

Barbie: Ken! What have you got in there? Is that one of my Bob Mackies?

Ken: [quickly] No. [ runs ]

Barbie: Sneaky little queen!

Ken: Plastic bitch! [ exits quickly ]

Barbie: [ grabs Skipper's hands ] Sweetheart.. go to your party, okay? Have a good time, and we'll talk when you get back.

Skipper: [ shakes head] No. I want to stay here with you.. Mom.

Barbie: [ elated ] Mom?

Skipper: We could brush each other's hair!

Barbie: I'd really like that!

[ they stand up and retrieve the Barbie hairbrush from the coffee table ]

Skipper: Hey, Mom? Kelly and [flubs saying “Baby Chrissy”] Baby Really—Chrissy, they're not really your sisters, though, are they?

Barbie: [ as she combs Skipper's hair ] No. Kelly and Baby Chrissy aren't my sisters. I-I had a threeway with some Power Rangers.

[Skipper shakes her head as Barbie brushes her hair]

[fade]


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