Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 27: Episode 12

01l: Britney Spears

The Leatherman

Leather Man....Jimmy Fallon
Choo-Choo....Horatio Sanz
Hot Blonde....Britney Spears
Judge Lindenwell....Dan Aykroyd
Leather Dad....Will Ferrell
Leather Mom....Ana Gestayer

[Opens with The Leather Man Shop, cuts to the inside. Everything leather in there. A hot blonde walks in, checks out the merchandise. The Leather Man is standing behind his counter. He is dressed in an all black leather suit and tie combo, buzzcut haircut, deep,grave voice]

Leather Man: Hello. Welcome to The Leather Man. Can I get you into some leather?

Hot Blonde: Oh, no. I'm just looking. You have a nice store.

Leather Man: Yes, if you like leather. But I don't like leather. I love leather. He, he, he those pants are 100% beautiful and 100% you and 100% leather. Trust me.

[Comes from behind the counter, his leather outfit creaks loudly. The blonde picks a pair of leather pants]

Hot Blonde: Um, I like this pants right here. Do you have this in my size?

Leather Man: Mmmm...[puts hand on chin, thinking, leather creaks]I don't see them here.[bends over a rack of leather clothing, leather creaks]Perhaps in the back. Choo-Choo!

[Choo-Choo is an overweight dimwitted man in a leather apron, he comes bopping side to side]

Choo-Choo: Yes, Leather Man?

Leather Man: This very beautiful young woman would like to try some size---[bends, leather creaks]size 6 pants.

Choo-Choo: Size 6?

Leather Man: Choo-Choo![Smack! whips Choo-Choo in the chest]

Choo-Choo: Aiiiiiii!!!, aaaahaaaa! Good whip.[leaves]

[Jimmy tries not to laugh]

Leather Man: These pants will fit you like a glove. They're made completely out of elephant ear. Sumptuous. [leather creaks]

Hot Blonde: Elephant ear?

Leather Man: Yeah, it's very breathable. They keep the hot side hot and the cool side cool.[makes dance moves, leather creaks. Choo-Choo arrives with the pants]Thank you, Choo-Choo. I'll take it from here. Adios, amigos. Right this way.

[Choo-Choo leaves, his leather creaking too, Leather Man locks arms with and takes the hot blonde into the fitting rooms stalls. She goes in, Leather Man stands guard]

Leather Man: There's nothing to hide when you wear leather. It's like a second skin.

[Choo-Choo is sneaking a peek into the blonde's stall]

Leather Man: Choo-Choo![Smack! Whips Choo-Choo in the face]

Choo-Choo: Aiiiiiiiiii!!!!!aaaaaaayiyiyiyi!!!![leaves]

Leather Man: Eventually you feel like you're buck naked, you learn to love it, it makes you feel kind of---[Leather Man's enthusiastic explanation is with a lot of hand movement and moving his torso so the leather creaking drowns out his voice]----just over here....right up----[more creaking, then stops]....if that's what you want.

Hot Blonde: What did you say?

Leather Man: It's not important. Leather is important. Just try it on.

[A middle-age biker all in leather walks into the shop]

Leather Man: My, my,my Judge Lindenwell!

Judge Lindenwell: Leather Man!

[They hug and the leather creaking is intense]

Leather Man: How did those Edwardian boots work out?

Judge Lindenwell: Oh, they are beautiful. I never should have doubted you.

Leather Man: Well, I know my leather. What can I do for you today?

Judge Lindenwell: I'm compelled to buy a wedding present for my mother.

Leather Man: Well, is she registered here?

Judge Lindenwell: Of course.

Leather Man: Choo-Choo![Choo-Choo hops back in]Take Judge Lindenwell to the bridal registry. [Smack!Leather Man whips Choo-Choo in the belly]

Choo-Choo: Aiiiiiiiii!!!,[Smack! second whipping]aaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiii!!!![Smack!third whiping]yiyiyiyiyiyyaaaaaaahhhh!!!! Right this way, sir.[takes the judge to the counter. The judge opens leather-bound book and the leather book creaks as it opens]

[The hot blonde walks out of the fitting room stall and walks stiffly in brown leather pants, leather creaks]

Leather Man: Well, am I right? Or am i r-right?

Hot Blonde: Well, you know, actually they're a little tight and noisy.

Leather Man: That's leather's way of letting you know it likes you. It wants to get closer to you. Don't be shy. Let it. Walk for me. Walk for the leather.

[The hot blonde walks rigidly in front of a mirror, she checks out her butt]

[A very rapid creaking is heard. Leather Man looks around for where the noise comes from and he finds Choo-Choo masturbating in the fitting room stalls checking out the blonde]

Leather Man: Choo-Choo!, Choo- Choo!

[Horatio shows his hands and the masturbation leather creaking sounds keeps going. Jimmy is cracking up hard. Leather Man whips Choo-Choo in the face. Smack!]

Choo-Choo: Aaaaaaiiiii!!! aaaaaaaahhhh!!! [bounces of the walls of the stall]

[Jimmy comes back biting his lip to keep from laughing]

Hot Blonde: How much are these things? They look a little expensive.

Leather Man: Well, I'll barter.

Hot Blonde: Barter? Do they still do that?

Leather Man: Well...

[A family walks into the store. They're all in leather, leather creaks, even the 2 little kids]

Leather Dad:[explains]Back to school.

Kids: Hi, Leather Man!

Leather Man: Hey, kids![to the hot blonde] Hey, I was thinking maybe we could.....[Between the Judge, Choo-Choo, the leather family and the Leather Man moving, the leather creaks very, very loud drowning out what the Leather Man is telling the hot blonde in the ear. The Hot Blonde slaps the Leather Man in the face and leaves the store. Leather creaking stops]

Leather Man: Ow, what's her prob? That line usually works.

Choo-Choo: Hey, she didn't pay for those pants.

[Smack!Leather Man whips Choo-Choo in the belly]

Choo-Choo: Aiiiiiiii!!!!aaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!

Leather Man: After her everybody!

[Choo-Choo, Leather Man and Judge Lindenwell leave the store after the hot blonde. The Leather family are left all alone and start shoplifting, stealing every leather item they can take]

[Scene fades]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts