01l: Britney Spears
Winter Olympics: Women's Skiing
Mormon #1.....Will Ferrell
Tiffany Lane.....Amy Poehler
Mormon #2.....Dan Aykroyd
Lisa Grani.....Maya Rudolph
Mormon Reporter.....Seth Meyers
[ open on Tiffany Lane skiing downhill at the Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City, Utah, as a pair of Mormons slide into view around her ]
Mormon #1: Welcome to Utah!
Tiffany Lane: [ startled and confused ] Huh?
Mormon #2: Have you been to Salt Lake City before?
Tiffany Lane: Uh.. no.. but I-I-I can't talk now!
Mormon #2: Do you know about the Church of Latter Day Saints?
Tiffany Lane: Uh.. I-I-I'm in a race..
Mormon #1: We're all in a race, aren't we! Have you accepted Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints?
Tiffany Lane: Are.. are you guys Mormons?
Mormon #2: Yes, we are! You sound interested! Would you like the Book of Mormon?
Tiffany Lane: No.. no, thanks.. I-I-I don't want the Book of Mormon.. no thanks..
Mormon #1: The Book of Mormon was revealed to Joseph Smith in the form of two golden plates!
Mormon #2: Only Smith could read them!
Mormon #1: Yeah! Because, you see, he had the reading stones, which allowed him to translate the writing on the plates! [ pause ] What do you think, you in!
Tiffany Lane: What do I think? No!
Mormon #2: Would you like to be a Mormon!
Mormon #1: Would you!
Tiffany Lane: Get out of here!
Mormon #1: I know what you're thinking - polygamy is over! No one has more than one wife any more! We simply don't do it!
Mormon #2: I do it.
Mormon #1: A few of us still do it! But.. mainly no!
Mormon #2: When you convert to Mormonism, you can be one of my wives!
Mormon #1: Cool it, Young!
Mormon #2: I know what you mean, Young!
Tiffany Lane: Look.. I'm in a real important race, and I need to concentrate! I respect your religion and everything, but I don't want to be a Mormon! Thank you!
Mormon #2: [ swallowing the information slowly ] Good luck in Hell.
Tiffany Lane: [ angry ] What?!
Mormon #1: He said, "Give 'em hell!" We'll see you down at the bottom, now go win that race!
[ he pushes Tiffany down the slope as all three of them disappear from camera view ]
[ wide shot of Tiffany skiing faster down the hill ot the end ]
Announcer: An amazing burst of speed there at the end, and it looks like Tiffany Lane has done it! Lisa Grani is standing by with the winner. Lisa?
[ cut to Lisa Grani reporting, as Tiffany skis to a stop in front of her ]
Lisa Grani: Wow. Coming through the middle there, things looked rough. But somehow you really picked it up at the end.
Tiffany Lane: [ out of breath ] Yeah.. it was a tough race.. it was kind of weird up there..
Mormon Reporter: I heard you had a lot of help from the Church of Latter Day Saints
Tiffany Lane: Uh.. not really.. those Mormon guys kind of messed me up..
Mormon Reporter: Right! So you dedicate the victory to the Church of Latter Day Saints! Another great Mormon victory!
Tiffany Lane: Hey! Wait! I didn't -
Mormon Reporter: Yes, you did! You said, "Thanks, Mormons!" And then you said, "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"