01l: Britney Spears

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

.....Jimmy Fallon
.....Tina Fey
.....Seth Meyers
Geraldo Rivera.....Darrell Hammond
Neil Diamond.....Will Ferrell
Gay Speedskating Hitler.....Chris Kattan

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey."

Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey.

President Bush delivered his State of the Union address Monday, and he maintains an all-time high 84% approval rating. Bush is thrilled because it's the first solid "B" he's ever gotten.

The State of the Union earned a huge TV rating, with 53 million viewers watching. Which is why ABC now wants to put it on five nights a week.

After being denied a boxing license by the Nevada Athletic Commission, Mike Tyson told a reporter that Lennox Lewis was a coward. When the reporter pointed out that Lennox Lewis had nothing to do with the Commission's decision, Tyson raped him.

Tina Fey: Dick Cheney appeared at his birthday party Wednesday with a bruised lip, after one of his dogs bumped into his mouth while playing. Leading many to ask, "What is up with this administration?!" Cheney's got a bruised lip, Bush has a huge scrape on his face, Ashcroft has burn marks all over. Tell the truth - do you guys have a Fight Club? I think there's a White House Fight Club!

Jimmy Fallon: Tina, you know the first rule of White House Fight Club.

Tina Fey: I know - Don't talk about White House Fight Club.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah. [ punches Tina in the face ]

NBC has ordered a full 22-episode season of "Fear Factor". Oh, my God, that's my biggest fear. Am I on "Fear Factor" right now? I give up.

Jimmy Fallon: A porn star named Ciccoline is considering a bid to enter the Hungarian Parliament, while the Hungarian Parliament is considering a bid to enter Ciccoline.

Seth Meyers: Joke Palindrome! Point, Fallon!

Jimmy Fallon: Yes!

Tina Fey: Now, here with news on the situation in Somalia, isa Fox News reporter Geraldo Rivera.

[ cut to Geraldo Rivera standing outside of war-torn Mogadishu, Somalia ]

Geraldo Rivera: Tina, I'm here in Mogadishu. It's the second stop on Geraldo Rivera's Tour of Terror. Some of you may be familiar with this sorry, sorry city, which has been turned into a nightmarish road map to terror. Uh.. early this morning, a Somali sniper started shooting at me. Uh.. after he learned that I was here, apparently familiar with my award-winning work on Geraldo's Tour of Terror. Uh.. now all the people here in this quaint Somali village are following me around. They're chanting, "Ger-al-do! Boom-ba-yay! Ger-al-do! Boom-ba-yay!" Which, apparently, is an ancient Somali term meaning "Geraldo, you sexy man!"

Tina Fey: Geraldo, are the Somali terrorists trained by Osama bin Laden?

Geraldo Rivera: Tina, let me answer that. Just moments ago, uh.. the beast of a thousand scales, the prince of dasterdly deeds himself, uh.. Osama bin Laden, was here moments ago.

Tina Fey: Uh.. wait a minute. You actually met with Osama bin Laden?

Geraldo Rivera: Osama was here, I had him in a headlock, uh.. I hit Osama, I kicked him in his dasterdly groin. Then he and I briefly exchanged fisticuffs before Osama starting screaming, "Ooh, Geraldo! you sexy man!"

Tina Fey: Come on, Geraldo! That could not have been Osama bin Laden! According to Pentago sources, he's nowhere near Somalia!

Geraldo Rivera: Tina, if that's true, I'm truly sorry. Uh.. mistakes are made when you're on a Tour of Terror.. uh.. I call them Terror Errors. These are errors that are on a Tour of Terror, uh.. [ holds finger to his earpiece ] Hold on, Tina, I've just been informed.. hold on.. ohh.. I've just been informed that the people of Mogadishu have declared me their king. Apparently, I am now their supreme ruler, uhh.. they're going to rename Mogadishu, they're going to call it Geraldo, You Sexy Manville. From Mogadishu, on the Tour of Terror, Geraldo Rivera, Fox News.

[ back to Tina at the newsdesk ]

Tina Fey: Geraldo Rovera, everybody. He's a big, big lair. He lies about stuff.

According to the New York Post, Will Smith is looking for an apartment to sublet in New York City, and is willing to pay $80,000 a month for it. In a related story, DJ Jazzy Jeff wants to know if you're going to eat the rest of that.

The Justice Department has covered a nude statue that stands behind John Ashcroft during press conferences, because the statue's exposed breasts made Ashcroft uncomfortable. Ashcroft says, if it were up to him, he'd just replace it with a different statue. [ boobs are replaced with genitals ]

An Italian man claims he has set a world record by creating a 330-gallon cup of cappucino. Sadly, moments after making the drink, the man suffered a massive heart attack. Not from drinking the cappucino, but from trying to dunk a huge viscotti.

Aryan nations leader, Ryan Redfairn, has announced his resignation. Redfairn says he is leaving the hate group so he can spend more time hating his family.

A female version of Viagra is expected to be released next year with the promise of giving women faster arousal and better orgasms. The pill is so strong, doctors warn the increased speed of arousal might cause Christina Aguilera's vagina to time travel.

Tina Fey: Well, the Winter Olympics start next week, and no one is more excited about this than our own Jimmy Fallon.

Jimmy Fallon: [ holding guitar ] Thanks, Tina! The 2002 Winter Olympics start next week, and the theme song to the Olympics is "America", by Neil Diamond. Now, no offense to Neil Diamond - that song's good, but it's twenty yars old. So I thought maybe I could change the words to some more recent songs, and see if they want to use those ones instead. You should highlight the evens, you know? Like downhill skiing.

[ singing variant of Five For Fighting's "Superman" ]

"I can go downhill
on the icy snow
dressed up in my unitard
where else can I go?

I'm only a man
on two skinny red skis
instead of cologne
I'm wearing antifreeze.

Can't even tell
if I'm winning the race
because snot is frozen on my face.

It's not easy
to downhill ski."

And the Winter Olympics, they just happen to be in February, which is also Black History Month. I think that's just perfect, considering how much black people love Winter sports.

[ singing variant of Ludacris' "Roll Out" ]

"What in the world was on your mind?
What you got on your mind?
A couple of dudes with nosebleeds
and its hard to breathe at that height
with that hype people
it's just white people

'Cause ain't no homies play hockey.
If it's below 30 you can bite me.
Turn off my Sony til you stop that.
I'm gonna see a movie
with a hot pack
thaw out!"

But one good reason to tune in this year, is a new event called Skeleton, where an Olympian lays on this tiny metal sled on their stomach, and they go head first down the mountain. It's insane.

[ singing variant of Nickelback's "You Remind Me" ]

"Never made it as a luge man
couldn't hack it on the bobsled
now you don't have to remind me
of how I will get hurt.
You don't have to remind me
haven't done it since the forties
go down a mountain like 50 stories
all the drugs that I'll be takin'
for all the bones that I'll be breakin'.
I will cry
I could die
you'll have to find my body at the bottom
these few words in my head, saying,
"Don't die
don't die
Don't die on this sled."
Yeah, yeah
please don't die on this little sled!"

[ Neil Diamond enters the set ]

Neil Diamond: Hey! What's wrong with my song?

Jimmy Fallon: Neil Diamond?

Tina Fey: Neil Diamond?

Neil Diamond: You bet your balls it's Neil Diamond! You don't think my song's good enough for the Olympics. I'm here to change your mind. Listen to this, geniuses.

[ singing ]

"Everywhere! Around the world!
They're coming to America!
Every time the flag's unfurled!
They're coming to America!
They're coming to America!
They're coming to America!"

I'd like to introduce my friend, Gay Speedskating Hitler.

[ Gay Speedskating enters, Neil wraps his arm around him ]

Neil Diamond: "They're coming to America!"

Come on! Everybody!

[ Geraldo River and Seth Meyers step out and sing along with Neil, Gay Speedskating Hitler, Tina and Jimmy ]

Jimmy Fallon: For "Weekend Update", I'm Jimmy Fallon!

Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey! Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!

Neil Diamond: [ into the audience ] Take your top off, lady!

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