Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 13





01m: Jonny Moseley / Outkast

A Message From the President of the United States

President George W. Bush.....Will Ferrell

Announcer: The following is an address by the President of the United States.

President George W. Bush: Good evening, America. I'm very happy to be back in this country, after my very successful trip in the Pacific Rim. I'm heartened to hear that, for the most part, the people of this country show strong support for my agenda. However, lately, there are some who are beginning to criticize this administration. Maybe these people don't understand - America is presently at war. Not just a war on terrorism; but we are engaged in a deadly stand-off with an Axis of Evil. You know who I'm talking about - Iran, Iraq, and one of the Koreas.

But my Axis of Evil doesn't seem to interest the people out there. Some people just want to talk about the economy, and budgets, and Enron. I bet most of you out there don't even understand Enron. I sure as heck don't! It hurts my head to think about it. So, from now on, Enron will be part of my Axis of Evil. I don't want to hear anything else about Enron, unless our military has pounded it into submission. So, look out, Enron - you're now part of the

So is the Economy. I don't like the way this economy is acting; not very American, it's evil! The economy is now a part of my Axis of Evil.

Also, I don't like Sen. Tom Daschle. You know why? He's very critical. You know where that leads him? You got it. He's now part of the Axis of Evil.

So, quick recap - that's Iran, Iraq, Enron, the Economy, and Daschle, and one of those Koreas. They all form a terrible Axis of Evil, standing in the way of all that we as Americans value.

And don't forget France. The French don't like me saying "Axis of Evil", so guess what? They're now a part of the very same Axis of Evil that they don't like me saying. How do you like them apples, France? Next time, you keep your mouth shut. You mess with Texas, and it's straight to the Axis of Evil, got it?

Germany, Italy, Japan - they were the original Axis of Evil. Maybe they thought I would forget, but I didn't. They're back in!

Here's one you probably didn't expect - Dick Cheney. Now, he's up to something, and I don't like it! He's never around. If I'm in the White House, he's not. If I'm on a plane, no where in sight. He's very sneaky; not to mention, scary. I'm putting him in the Axis of Evil - for now.

Evil Knievel's going in the Axis of Evil - but that's a no-brainer. But Dr. Evil? No; he makes me laugh, so he's out.

So, you see, America? There's nothing to fear. Everything's fine. You go out and buy your new cars, fly on airplanes, and invest in K-Mart. Don't listen to what the economists say. Why? Because they like math, and math is very much a part of the Axid of Evil.

And you know what else is part of the Axis of Evil? "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


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