01m: Jonny Moseley / Outkast

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

.....Jimmy Fallon
.....Tina Fey
Hollywood.....Chris Kattan
David Pelletier.....Will Ferrell
Jamie Sale.....Amy Poehler



Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey."

Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories.

It was revealed this week that a shadow government consisting of 75 senior officials has been living and working in secret bunkers in the event the nation's capital is attacked. This shadow government is not to be confused with the pretend government that Al Gore has been running in his basement for the last year.

President Bush wants to spend 3 hundred million dollars for classes and TV ads that encourages poor, single, mothers to stay off welfare by getting married. Bush will detail this program on the new fox show: who wants to stay married to an out of work drunk for $238.00 a month.

Two cross-country skiers were stripped their gold medals on Sunday after testing positive for a performance-enhancing drug. IOC officials got suspicious when cross country skiers tried to ski across the country.


Tina Fey: Ari Fleisher apologized this week for statements that implied that Bill Clinton's failed peace plan was to blame for the current mideast violence. What is wrong with the Republicans? Let's go over the Clinton administration again.

[ shows picture of Monica Lewinsky ]

He did this.

[ picture of violence and war ]

He didn't do this.

[ picture of Monica Lewinsky ]

He did this.

[ Enron picture ]

He didn't do this.

[ picture of Monica Lewinsky ]

He did this.

[ Dow Jones chart ]

He didn't do this.

[ picture of Monica Lewinsky ]

He did this.

[ picture of Hillary Clinton ]

He did not do this.

[ Canadian skaters walk on ]

David Pelletier: Um, excuse us. Pardon.

Jamie Sale: Excuse, uh, sorry. Sorry to interrupt your comedy programming.

David Pelletier: Yeah.

Jamie Sale: We're uh, Jamie Sale and David Pelletier, the Canadian pair skaters.

Jimmy Fallon: Great. Great. What are you doing here?

David Pelletier: We were looking for fellow Canadian Lorne Michaels. Jamie and I thought we would be invited to host "Saturday Night Live", but instead you chose U.S. Olympian Johnny Mosely, even though he came in fourth in his event. And we came in first and second at the same time.

Jamie Sale: Nobody's ever done that.

David Pelletier: No. No.

Jimmy Fallon: Sorry guys, we already started the show. Johnny Mosely is the host.

David Pelletier: Well, the last time this happened, what really happened was the Russian's won and then later, they say we won too, so we figured that it's not too late. We can host the rest of the show. Maybe?

Jamie Sale: Yeah, 'cause we have to say, ya know, we're so funny.

David Pelletier: Yeah. Jamie does a hilarious impression of our coach. Yeah. Do it.

Jamie Sale: Do it?

David Pelletier: Yeah.

Jamie Sale: Okay. "Go for it you guys!"

David Pelletier: It's so funny. He sounds just like that.

Jamie Sale: He does.

David Pelletier: He does. Jamie does all kinds of funny characters. Do it.

Jamie Sale: Uh. Okay. Um, I call this character Quanesse. She is a black homeless from Montreal. "People say I'm crazy, but you don't want to pay 4 dollars for coffee. Who's crazy now, you monkeys?"

Tina Fey: That's a good character.

Jimmy Fallon: Pretty good, I say.

Tina Fey: Yeah, but we already have a whole show.

Jamie Sale: Sorry.

Tina Fey: Jamie Sale and Davie Pelletier everybody!

It was reported this week that David Letterman may bring his late night talk show to ABC. Letterman has proclaimed interest in going to ABC, but it not yet positive he'd hate it there enough.

In other network news, John Madden, has left FOX and signed a 4 year deal as a commentator on Monday Night Football. How did ABC lure Madden away? Hot dogs!


Jimmy Fallon: With the Grammy Awards taking place last week and the Oscars less than a month away, this is a busy time in the world of entertainment. Here now with a report on all the behind the scenes news is Weekend Update's gossip correspondent: Hollywood!

Hollywood: Uh, hold on. (on phone) Yeah. Totally. Ahhh. (OFF PHONE) What's up everybody? What's going on jimmy Fallon? It's totally, it's totally you're getting haircuts everybody. It was long last week, but now it's short, but it's all good. Ahhh. Respect!

Jimmy Fallon: Thanks. Hollywood, what's the juiciest piece of celebrity gossip? Have you heard any stuff lately?

Hollywood: Uh. Matthew Mconaughey, Brekin Meyer everybody! Seth Green, Melanie Griffith ya'll. It's all good. Ahh.

Jimmy Fallon: What about them? You just said their names. Are they doing anything?

Hollywood: Uh. Okay. Yesterday, I thought I saw Alanis Morisette. But then it turned out to be my cousin Dave everybody. Ahh. Respect!

Jimmy Fallon: Thank you. Uh.. did you at least go to the Grammy's?

Hollywood: Uh, no I did not Jimmy Fallon. I was not invited at all y'all. But it's all good. Ahh. Respect!

Jimmy Fallon: So Hollywood, did you ah-

Hollywood: Wait! Hold on. (on phone) Oh. What? Yeah. Totally? Ahhh.

Jimmy Fallon: Wait. Wait. Wait. Who are you talking to?

Hollywood: I don't know. Maybe it was the star of 40 days and 40 nights. Josh Hartnett everybody!

Jimmy Fallon: Really? You were talking to Josh Hartnett?

Hollywood: No. That was totally my mom everybody. She said, she needs her car back ya'll! But it's all good. Ahh. Respect!

Tina Fey: Okay, Hollywood, let me explain something to you. Gossip is when you have an actual piece of relatively exclusive information about a celebrity. Do you understand?

Hollywood: Uh... I totally found these sunglasses by the pool, and I think they might belong to John Stamos everybody. Ahh. Respect! It's all good!

Jimmy Fallon: Hollywood everybody!

Hollywood: Everybody! Everybody!

A cow that escaped from an Ohio slaughter house was spared last week after former Cincinnati Red's owner Marge Schott agreed to let it live on her farm. Schott was touched by the story because she once escaped from the same slaughter house.

At a karaoke bar in Manila last week, a man who sarcastically applauded a singers version of "My Way" was killed by the singer and his friend. Eyewitnesses call it the best Frank Sinatra impression they had ever seen.

This past Wednesday marked what astronomers say was the best full moon. Meanwhile this past Thursday marked the darkest half moon when Al Roker bent over wearing sweatpants.

Former teen pop star Tiffany reportedly discussed her upcoming pictorial with her 8-year-old son by showing him models in Vogue magazine. Tiffany explained the difference by saying "Mommy is not this classy."


Jimmy Fallon: This week a professional clown is Saugerties, New York- [ pie is thrown at him ] Guys! Way too early! Way too early! We rehearsed this like a million times. Wait until the punch line. The punch line is: he got hit in the face with the pie. [ another pie is thrown at him ] I'm just saying what the punch line is. Let's just uh, let's just try it again.

Uh, this week a man in Saugerties, New York- [ another pie is thrown at him ] We won't. we just won't do it!

Tina Fey: Jimmy, don't worry. We'll just try it again next week!

Jimmy Fallon: No. Okay. For Weekend Update I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.


Thanks to Nicole Richards for this transcript!


SNL Transcripts