01n: Jon Stewart / India.Arie

A Message From the Vice-President of the United States

Dick Cheney.....Darrell Hammond



Vice-President Dick Cheney: Uhhh... hello, America. Once again, we find ourselves, uh.. at a very important juncture in American history. It is important that we as Americans are not lulled into a false sense of security. For a while it looked like we had this crisis licked, but now we find ourselves once again engaged in a deadly game. And I think you know what I'm talking about: Will David Letterman leave CBS?

[ clears throat ]

Folks, this is serious! I don't know, maybe I've been locked away in a bunker with nothing but cyanide capsules and a TV set - I don't know!! Maybe they don't brief me about what's going on any more, but my gut tells me this is the most important facing this country today. And what about Ted Koppel? Is Koppel done over at ABC? God, I feel sorry for ABC. Yeah, they were such a good network for a while, one of the Big Three. Now, they're like the Enron of networks. And, believe me, I know a little something about Enron! [ laughs ] Oh, yeah! They were flying high. They had "Millionaire", they had "Dharma & Greg", they had Dennis Miller calling football games - oops! What happened? Didn't work out, better fire someone! That's how we do it in Washington. About the only thing they really had was Ted Koppel. Now they've got him pissed off, and I've seen Koppel when he gets pissed off, his head gets bigger. That's right. It starts to show up in satellite imaging.

Of course, it's got to hurt, picking up the New York Times, finding out you're a dead man walking. Well, don't sweat it, Ted, you'll make it. I do. With this ticker, every day I'm a dead man walking. The only thing is, I know about it! [ laughs ] I find that so funny! Ah, but then they got that joker over at CBS, right? He's making $30 million a year and he's not happy! Why don't you try sleeping in a hole under the Blue Ridge Mountains, with a couple of rats and a black-and-white TV, boy? As Vice-President of these United States, I'm gonna strongly suggest Letterman stay put. As for ABC, there's been some talk about Conan, maybe Chris Rock or Jon Stewart. At least they're not talking about that Craig Kilborn! That yahoo can't even understand what he's reading! [ peeved ] How does a guy who can't read, with nothing but good looks and charm get to such a high position! [ realizes he just answered his own question ]

Look.. they're throwing millions of dollars around, why don't they just go with my favorite - the Dell Computer guy? Oh yeah, he's young, he's very charming, and I love it when he goes.. [ imitating ] "Dude, you're getting a Dell!" [ laughs ] I think I do that pretty good! Good God.. you know, I gotta get out more, I've been watching too much TV. Aren't there real issues out there? Didn't a bunch of people get laid off or something recently? Some new trade deal? Isn't there a war? Won't somebody please brief me on something?! I'm going nuts! What good am I gonna be then, five heart attacks a day and nuts? Next thing you know, I'll be saying, "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


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