01n: Jon Stewart / India.Arie

Jon Stewart's Monologue

.....Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart: Thank you, very much I appreciate it.

Welcome to Saturday Night Live. Thank you.

Now first of all uh, I do, I do want to address some of the some of the late night rumors that are out there. There are some rumors that Dave will leave CBS and people wanta know if I would be interested in taking that spot or maybe Dave doesn't, or maybe I'll take the spot at ABC.

I just want to clarify, uh uh about those rumors, uh yes I would do, I'd do that one, I would I would do Dave, Leno, Conan anyone who wants to leave. Willard Scott you tired of waving at old people? I'll take that I'll do whatever ya...

I work on basic cable do you understand what I'm saying? I'd like to get some of those spoiled rich guys over to my neck of the woods where you still have to pay for your own sodas and your show comes on after three Andrew McCarthy movies. Do you understand what that's like? And not the good ones where the mannequin comes to life - the bad ones!

But I have fun, uh I did the Grammys last week but it left me uh uh with a very interesting question

(In a high pitched voice in response to the applause) Thank you.

It did leave me with an interesting question. Are Justin and Britney the before and Kid Rock and Pam Anderson the after? Does anyone know?


Now I'm back in New York and I'm delighted to be. I've lived here fifteen years and I love it here.

(applause) Yea! Hooray for having an apartment!

Uh I still feel safe here ya know, probably because cuz in my apartment I have that chain that goes from the wall to the door. Cuz you just put that on at night and that just says to the terrorists HEY! You not getting in here unless you ... push with your hand ..Pretty hard.

But it's an exciting time to be in New York Saint Padies Day parade coming up next week. (lots of obnoxious cheering from audience) Yes, they're already drunk for it, that's exciting. The Saint Padies.. though it is a little controversial. Gay people are not allowed to March in the Saint Patrick's Day Parade. But let me just explain something to you. I know that's controversial, but gay people are very flamboyant and they can't march in that parade because you don't want ANYTHING to distract from the Dignity of that parade. You know what I'm saying?

You don't want some gay guy checking you out ... when you're whizzing on the side of a building.

I don't know why people fear the gay agenda. Gay people don't seem to want all that much. They want to march in the Saint Padies Day Parade, they want to be in the army... Uh they want uh uh march in the Saint Paddies day, be in the army, get married. It's not that big of deal, why can't gay people be in the army? What's that about? What's the army afraid of gonna happen if gay people are in it?

"Private shoot that man!" "uh I can't sir, he's adorable"

You know what I think? The army's afraid of a thousand gay guys with M-16's going "Who'd you call a faggot?" They can't be in the boy scouts? I don't know who the Boy Scouts think they're kidding. I mean come on! The Boy Scouts is already the gayest organization in America! The Definition of gay isn't same sex intercourse it's thousands of young boys in neckerchiefs ... eagerly awaiting next years Jamboree. Even The Village People think those outfits are gay.

What are they afraid of? With all the, I mean sexuality is what it is. I mean people can't convince you to do that. I mean I have a tape of a guy having sex with a piņata! I think or maybe that's how they get the candy in them. I don't know.

But it's no, you can't talk people in and out of that stuff, you just are what you are, your mind can be changed, your heart can be swayed, your (looks sheepish) penis is very stubborn. I'm telling you!

I mean if you were driving home and you passed a pumpkin field and you got a little tingling, and then the next night you drove past the pumpkin field again and you got another little tingling... I've got bad news for ya! One night, you're banging a Pumpkin!

And they're not going to get you to pray it out or do. You know they've got that thing "oh, well, put The Ten Commandments up, that will fix everything!" Put The Ten Commandments up, that will stop school violence!"

Oh yeah, kids will come to school, "oh thou shall NOT kill!, oh God!"

If you think putting The Ten Commandments up is gonna stop school violence then you think ... "Employees Must Wash Hands" is keeping the urine out of your Happy Meal! (whispers) it's not!

We got a great show for you tonight! India Arie is going to be here! We'll be right back!

Thanks to Jamie for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts