01o: Ian McKellen / Kylie Minogue
The Ferey Muhtar Show
Ferey Mühtar....Horatio Sanz
Tarik Ozekial....Darrell Hammond
[Opens with Turkish Television logo]
Announcer: You are watching channel 114, Turkish State Supported Television.
[A fat TV host with gold chains, uni brow, smoking in a crappy polyester suit appears]
Ferey Mühtar: Hello! I'm Ferey Mühtar! I am resident of Ankara Turkey! We're going to talk about what is up in the world and the politics on the Ferey Mühtar talk show! Hey man! Welcome to my show!
[Montage of Ferey smoking and laughing on the streets of Turkey]
Tarik Ozekial: Hey! Come on! It's the Ferey Mühtar talk show! Tonight Ferey's guests, from Krasko Street, is Halash! And musical guest, Kron! And me, Tarik Ozekial. Hey, listen up! Here he is. The only man in Turkey who is jive-turkey! Its Ferey Mühtar!
[Ferey comes out happy as hell]
Ferey Mühtar: All right! Ok! Hey, how's everybody doing, eh?! Ahh, that's good by me! Everybody! Ok, come on! Let's see what's in the news. Lots of crazy stuff. Uh-oh! Britney and Justin breaking up! Oooh, that is a bad scene! Bad scene! That is bull-jive! I tell you what Britney, "you're not a girl, not yet a Halaka shakaika! [laughs hard] Am I right or what?! Anyway, what else? Oh, the middle east. Woo! Crazy man!
Tarik Ozekial: Crazy.
Ferey Mühtar: Crazy down there.
Tarik Ozekial: Crazy.
Ferey Mühtar: Everybody down there should do me a favor. Take a chill pill bro-bro! Take it down a notch! Uh, ok! Everybody! Be cool! Ok! Say hello to my main man, my bro-bro and now for the main man, Tarik Ozekial! Come on!
[Turkish music plays]
[Tarik wears a white crappy suit, big mustache, smoking]
Tarik Ozekial: Hey! No way Jose! Keep on trucking!
Ferey Mühtar: Keep on trucking! Jive turkey! I love you! Let's get down to business bro! Yes! Yes! Yallah!
Tarik Ozekial: Yallah!!!
Ferey Mühtar: My first guest will never jive me bro! Everybody knows this guy, man! He is famous for running the nightclub Krasko Street. It is the hottest discoteque in western Turkey. Give it up everybody! Come on! Come on! Halash!!!
[Halash is a sleazy looking, gold chain wearing dude, button shirt open, grabs his crotch a couple of times. Shakes hands with Ferey and Tarik and sits down]
Tarik Ozekial: Boy! This guy is number one by me! Believe me! He is dynamite!
[Halash clears throat and spits disgustingly in an ashtray]
Ferey Mühtar: So good to have you here, brother. Halash! Tell me, man. Krasko Street. Obviously hot club! Hot club! Club is the bomb! Bomb! So, what is up my bro-bro? My sugar friend, what are people talking about?
[Darrell's mustache is coming off]
Halash: I tell you, I got my club, everybody is talking about this malakania. You've been to my club, have you Tarik?
Tarik Ozekial: Me come to your club? Don't give me that sock job, man! No, no, no ,no, no, no. [Ian pastes the mustache on Darrell's upper lip, Darrell is about to crack up laughing] Don't jive me, you know how it was.
Halash: What is this bull?
Tarik Ozekial: Well, last night I go to Krasko Street with friends. Being treated like king Harald. I am outside left holding cards. [cracks up laughing] I'm holding cards.
Tarik Ozekial: Don't you see how you make me feel like an Arab?
Halash: But come on! You know you get into my club anytime you want. You just say "Hey Halash! Eh? Let me into your club" But this time you're all messed up. You have too much raki.
Tarik Ozekial: No! No! I have two drinks Ferey! Ferey! I have two raki!
Ferey Mühtar: Come on, mook! Don't bull jive me, man! We all know you have drinking problem. Come on, look at that, look- you got the fake 'stache man! You can't even grow the 'stache, man![Darrell cracks up laughing, fights hard to contain the laughs] He goes to Halash to get the fake 'stache man! That's bull-jive! Bull-jive, man!
Tarik Ozekial: All right, all right, all right.
Ferey Mühtar: We got a job to do, bro! Let's do this show! [kisses his ring, pumps fist up]
Tarik Ozekial: Ok.
Ferey Mühtar: Come on!
Tarik Ozekial: Ok, ok, ok. We cool. I'm sorry.
Ferey Mühtar: Good, holy moly! Ok.
Halash: On with the show.
Ferey Mühtar: Before we get into politics, yes my friend, tell the people about Krasko Street. You got, what? Three dance floors in that mo-fo?!
Halash: Oh, my God, its like crazy man. We got 3 dance floors, we got 2 bars and all the girls, girls everywhere you know, I'm telling you, they're beautiful, man. They got yellow hair, they're clean, they wear Jordache jeans, their children wait outside. The whole thing is happening. This is not no bull-club.
Tarik Ozekial: I wish I could go to Krasko Street.
Ferey Mühtar: Oh, man.
Tarik Ozekial: I wish I could go inside there.
Halash: Ok, let me just say this. I always let you in my club. But you were wasted. You were throwing up on yourself. And you pulled a sword
on my doorman. How is that a guy who is being cool? You come back you're my main man. But you're going to the bathroom on my face? I'm a professional.
Tarik Ozekial: Hey! Get off my bone with that already! You didn't let me in the club, man! What more is there to say?
Ferey Mühtar: Hey! What more is there to say? I tell you what there is to say! I have a hackmakril! I don't need to to drink more raki!!!! Lay off the hard stuff, man!
Tarik Ozekial: I try...
Ferey Mühtar: Chill out! Come on!
Tarik Ozekial: I'm trying to chill. Sometimes is very, very hard. [Darrell's mustache has completely fallen off, hides his laughs]
Halash: Anyway, here is what is going on in politics....
Ferey Mühtar: Oh, no! What are you-oh my god! You are pulling my chain! Hey, man! I'm sorry Halash! This is jive! We are out of time. I apologize to Kron. We got to bump Kron. A great band. This is junk, man. Ok.
Tarik Ozekial: Bull-jive.
Ferey Mühtar: Very bull-jive, my friend. Pleasure to have you Halash. Ok, Halash! Everyone please go to Krasko Street hottest club in western Turkey. Later, my dudes!
[Turkish TV logo]
Announcer: This has been a Ferey Mühtar production.
Ferey's voice: That's me!
[cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel