01p: Cameron Diaz / Jimmy Eat World
Celine Dion Special
Celine Dion.....Ana Gasteyer
[instrumental to ‘My Heart Will Go On’ plays in the background. Images of Celine are shown.]
Announcer: A voice for the ages. The return of a legend at a time when we need legends most.
Celine Dion: [singing under a spotlight] …near, far, wherever you are…
Announcer: After almost 22 months in retirement, the most important person in the world is returning to the stage.
Celine Dion: I am back! Raise the roof, girlfriend, I am back, huh?
Announcer: Celine has shared her music with us. Now she’ll share the intimate details of her life.
Celine Dion: Ya know, when I was breastfeeding my son Rene-Charles, my husband Rene was begging me all the time to have sex, I was like, ‘Rene, give it a rest sometime, huh? Can’t be getting down on your heart 24-7, huh?’ [singing] …and I know that my heart will go on…
Announcer: Opening up about marriage and motherhood.
Celine Dion: You have to open the diaper and look at the poop, huh? Because that is where the truth is, you know what I’m saying, sister? You know, you can see what he ate, and if he is digesting good, I do it with the baby, too! [singing] …where does the heart beat now…
Announcer: Celine Dion. The singer/superstar/everyday normal person just like you and me.
Celine Dion: You know, I am finally knowing about being normal. I am making the toast in the morning, and you know, toast is just bread, and you make it with your hands! You put it in the toaster, you push down the button, and you are making TOAST! I am so lucky because I can make the toast myself, or I can make the chef make it. But why would I…because I am the greatest toast maker in the world! [singing] …do I love you my oh my, river deep, mountain high…
[split frame showing Celine singing and her hosting a talk show]
Announcer: She’s back. Singing her classic songs and telling her classic talk show stories. Sharing a little more than any of us wanted to know.
[back to spotlight scene]
Celine Dion: So we got this frozen embryo, huh?
Announcer: Celine Dion, on CBS. [old person’s voice] The old people’s network!
Thanks to Ann*e Hussey for this transcript!