01p: Cameron Diaz / Jimmy Eat World

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

.....Jimmy Fallon
.....Tina Fey
Denzel Washington.....Dean Edwards
Halle Berry.....Maya Rudolph
Julia Roberts.....Amy Poehler
Geraldo Rivera.....Darrell Hammond
Jasper Hahn.....Horatio Sanz
Trina Seville.....Cameron Diaz



Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey."

Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey. And here are tonight's top stories.

President Bush was criticized this week for not having a clear stance on the Middle East crisis. You know what? Good. The only people with a very clear stance on the Middle East are the crazy people in the Middle East. Okay, I've had it up to here with all of them.

Yasser Arafat, don't talk to us in English and say "I agree to a cease fire" and then turn around in Arab - Arabic and be like, "Hasam, let's do this." Okay, we're on to you. We've got like two bilingual CIA guys now, so we know what you're saying.

And Sharon, when you're storming West Bank towns and bulldozing people's homes, try not to look like you love it. 'Cause you kind of look like you love it.

And it's only going to get worse, 'cause now when Palestinians blow themselves up, Saddam Hussein will send their family $25,000. That's a lot of money to these people. They don't have game shows over there. They don't have "Fear Factor". Palestinians would clean up on "Fear Factor", by the way. They would do very well on "Fear Factor". Very well, but they don't have it.

So, today, President Bush has clarified his world views, saying "You're either with us or with the terrorists."

[pictured: Kuwait]

Or, you're with the terrorists, but you have oil.

[pictured: Egypt]

Or, you're with us, but you hate us.

[pictured: Saudi Arabia]

Or, you're with us, but you fund all the terrorism in the world.

[pictured: Pakistan]

Or, you're 100% with the terrorists except for one little guy in charge.

[pictured: Iceland]

Or, you're with us, but you can't really help us.

[pictured: Iraq and Iran]

Or, you're with the terrorists with each other, against us, even though you hate each other. Back to you, Jimmy.

Earlier this week, a man shot himself while inside St. Patrick's Cathedral. When asked to comment, church spokesman Father Robertson said, "Girl, it's a scandal."

Giving in to public pressure, Cardinal Egan gave Manhattan prosecutors a list detailing 40 years of child sex abuse allegations against priests in the New York archdiocese. However, Egan made prosecutors promise that the list was their special secret, and if they ever told anyone else, God would be mad.

Hi, you reached the cell phone of John Walker Lindh. I can't take your call right now, so leave a message.

Actor James Gandolfini wrote a letter to a Manhattan judge on behalf of his TV son Robert Eiler in an effort to get the robbery charges against the young "Sopranos" star dropped. Let's say, uh - let's hope it works better than Conrad Bain's letter did.

Tina Fey: As you all know, history was made at the 74th Academy Awards when African-Americans took home both best actor and best actress. Here now, fresh off their Oscar wins, are Denzel Washington and Halle Berry.

[camera pans to Denzel Washington and Halle Berry; Denzel laughs, Halle cries]

Denzel Washington: Yeah, thanks. Thanks, Tina. Thanks.

Tina Fey: You're welcome. Now, Denzel, you've had a few weeks to celebrate. Has it sunk in yet? Has it all sunk in?

Denzel Washington: You know, uh... you know, Tina, uh... it's a... (laughs) You know, it's an honor to have won such a prestigious award. I just feel great.

Tina Fey: Now, I see you have two Oscars there. Is that your Best Supporting Actor award for "Glory"?

Denzel Washington: No, no, no. No, it's not. No. This is Al Pacino's Oscar for "Scent of a Woman". He won it over my performance in "Malcolm X" so in the words of my brother Malcolm, "I took it by any means necessary!"

Halle Berry: (cries) I want to thank Lina... and Dorothy... and Shirley from "What's Happening?" Esther Rolle from "Good Times"!

Tina Fey: Is she okay?

Denzel Washington: No, no, no, Halle is gone. You know, I thought after two weeks she'd run out of people to thank, but she just keeps on keeping on. Unbelievable. We still love her, snot bubbles and all.

Halle Berry: That lady from the Pine-Sol commercials! I love her! Roz Abrams, Tootie from "The Facts of Life"! That topless girl from "Swordfish"! Oh, wait, that's me!

Tina Fey: Well, Denzel, it must be very vindicating for you, after all your great performances, to finally be recognized like this.

Denzel Washington: Well, you know, Tina, I... uh...

[Julia Roberts enters]

Denzel Washington: Oh, no. Julia, what are you doing here?

Julia Roberts: I love my life! I love you, Denzel!

Denzel Washington: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Julia. My wife is watching.

Julia Roberts: I am so happy for you! What makes this moment so special is me being involved! The thing about me is that I'm rich and famous! There's something so great about that!

Halle Berry: Nell Carter! Keshia Knight-Pullam! Raven-Symone, you go, girl! Strong black women like my mom!

Julia Roberts: And like me! Me, Julia Roberts!

Tina Fey: The Oscars, people! The Oscars!

After the successful return of an unmanned spacecraft, Chinese officials proclaimed the ship technically suitable for astronauts, furthering the country's pursuit for space flights. Let me be the first to say, "China, welcome to the 1960's."

It was announced this week that after four years in Los Angeles, the Grammys will move back to New York City. Be careful, you guys. My grammy moved to Florida and like a month later, she died.

Tina Fey: (nods head) Bill Clinton - Bill Clinton revealed in Newsweek that he is getting a new chocolate lab to replace his dog, Buddy. Bill says, with Hillary away in D.C., he just needs another bitch in the house.

Jimmy Fallon: Oh, snap! Oh, yes, you did!

Tina Fey: (gets up from her chair and starts flapping arms) Oh, no! Oh, no, you didn't! Oh, snap! OKAYYYYY! (bends body down and stays still like a robot)

Jimmy Fallon: Uh-oh, I think the robot Tina broke down. Maintenance? Chris? I think the battery went down.

(Robot Tina is taken away by maintenance guy)

Jimmy Fallon: Can we get another robot Tina? Thanks. Sorry, folks, we usually get this taken care of in dress rehearsal.

(Replacement robot Tina enters with plastic bag on head, Jimmy takes it off)

Tina Fey: (robotically) Playboy is planning a spread called "The Women of Enron." (normal voice) Come on, these women have lost their jobs, their retirement funds, and now they've got to lose all but this much of their pubic hair? Playgirl magazine is planning a spread called "The Men of Enron." Editors say it seemed like a perfect match for Playgirl, which is known for photos of collapsing firms.

According to scientists, a mysterious patch of black water off the Florida coast is most likely the result of a bloom of algae. The scientists are probably right, but they still didn't have to laugh at my shark diharrea theory.

Tina Fey: As fighting continues between Israel and the Palestinians, here with the latest report from the West Bank is Fox News war correspondent Geraldo Rivera. Geraldo, it's Tina Fey. Can you hear me?

[cut to Geraldo Rivera in Ramallah]

Geraldo Rivera: Tina, I'm here in the West Bank town of Ramallah. It's the seventh stop on my Tour of Terror. It's been another hellish day in the holy land in this battle of Bethlehem, in this - this Muslim mayhem, which some have  called the "Jihad vs. Jesus". Earlier this afternoon, Geraldo Rivera, I, was able to thwart a dastardly suicide bomber. A Palestinian man wearing a traditional jelibah approached me, preparing to detonate his dastardly, sorry self. But I said to him, "Geraldo comes in peace." I did offer him, Tina, a handshake, I offered him a hug, the bomber then held me in his dastardly arms for several minutes whispering sweet nothings in my ear. Truly an affectionate moment between a suicide bomber and an award-winning Fox News reporter. Just two guys talkin', Tina.

Tina Fey: Geraldo, is Colin Powell's presence going to have a positive effect on an Israeli/Palestinian cease fire?

Geraldo Rivera: Tina, let me answer that - just moments ago, Colin Powell spoke with Yasser Arafat, as well as Israeli prime minister Sharon. They both agreed that there's only one man who can possibly broker a lasting peace, and that man's name is Geraldo Rivera.

Tina Fey: Wait a minute, Sharon and Arafat mentioned you by name?

Geraldo Rivera: Apparently, Tina, this entire war-torn region tunes in religiously to watch Geraldo's Tour of Terror. I'm something of a cult figure around here, a veritable Jerry Garcia of terror. These groupies follow me around the region. In fact, let's take a look at my official Tour of Terror schedule.

[show list of Tour of Terror dates and places]

Tomorrow night, catch my Tour of Terror at Nassar Dome in Cairo, Egypt. Then, Geraldo's Tour of Terror continues at the dastardly Mecca Square Arena in Saudi Arabia with opening act Shakira.

[show graphic of Geraldo and Shakira]

Tina Fey: Geraldo, what will you do after the Tour of Terror is over?

Geraldo Rivera: You know, that's a great question, Tina. You know, I've been asked by Colin Powell to negotiate a West Bank peace treaty with the, uh, king of Jordan, Bashir al-Assad.

Tina Fey: Excuse me, but I believe al-Assad is the prime minister of Syria, not Jordan.

Geraldo Rivera: Well, Tina, if that's true, I'm truly sorry. You know, of course, I'm only human. I'm born to make mistakes. You know, when you're on a sold out Tour of Terror, it makes you a bearer of terror, saying a prayer-rer to be, uh, fairer would stop these terror errors. From the West Bank, Geraldo Rivera, Fox News.

Tina Fey: Geraldo Rivera, everybody.

Ray Charles - Ray Charles is lending his name to a series of slot machines for the blind. Users can play dollars or quarters and can win up to one million bottle caps.

According to the May issue of Ladies' Home Journal, Kathie Lee Gifford has written a first draft of what she calls a painfully honest book about her life. "Weekend Update" has obtained a copy of the book and an excerpt: "Me llamo Kathie Lee. Me life very hard sometimes. Me get mucho angry at Mr. Frank Gifford." Kathie Lee, you had little Honduran kids write this book, didn't you? Shame on you, Kathie Lee. Shame on you.

Jimmy Fallon: And now, an old friend to "Weekend Update", children's entertainer Jasper Hahn, everybody!

Jasper Hahn: Hey there, Jimmy! Oh, this is gonna be fun! I brought a new friend along with me, say hello to Trina Seville!

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, Trina.

Jasper Hahn: She's going to help me introduce some of my new fuzzy buddies!

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, what are you going to draw for us today?

Jasper Hahn: Well, actually, Jimmy, I'm not going to draw for you today. Me and Trina are going to sing some songs, right, Trina?

Trina Seville: Oh, yeah, Jasper.

Jasper Hahn: She's nice.

Trina Seville: "I've got a friend that lives below the sea,
In a bowl of chowder he will never be,
Doesn't like to bathe, doesn't like to shave,
And he lives way down below,
I love my stinky-bearded clam!"


(Jasper Hahn pulls out a bearded clam puppet)

Jasper Hahn: "I'm a stinky-bearded clam!"

Trina Seville: "I love my stinky-bearded clam!"

Jasper Hahn: "And I love you..."

Jimmy Fallon: Hey, hey! Whoa, whoa! Wait! Music out! No, no, hey, that's - that's really filthy there, uh... what's the matter with you two? What's wrong?

Jasper Hahn: (talking through puppet) What, Jimmy? I mean, what? Wait! Can't a clam have facial hair?

Jimmy Fallon: That song's not about a clam.

Jasper Hahn: Shame on you, Jimmy! Shame! I don't know what you think this song's about, but shame on you!

Jimmy Fallon: What are you doing hanging out with this guy?

Trina Seville: That's for me to know and you to figure out. Besides, he writes beautiful songs, like this one:

"I love my little kitty,
He's as sweet as sugar cane,
But sometimes he gets in trouble
When he's dancing in the rain!"


Jasper Hahn: "Let me get my hands on that sweet little pussycat!"

Jimmy Fallon: Hey, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! No, no, no, no! Absolutely not! No way!

Jasper Hahn: What?!

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, no.

(Trina takes out a cat puppet)

Jasper Hahn: What happened?! Aw!

Trina Seville: Meow-meow-meow! Jimmy doesn't like me!

Jimmy Fallon: No, no, I do. I do like you. That's not true. In fact, you know what -

Jasper Hahn: That's a cat.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, I know what it is. In fact, I like it so much, I'll let you do one more song.

Jasper Hahn: Aw! Thank you, Jimmy!

Jimmy Fallon: You're welcome.

Jasper Hahn: Thank you! You're gonna love this one, Jimmy.

Jimmy Fallon: I don't know.

Jasper Hahn: You're really gonna love this one, Jimmy.

Trina Seville: It's the best one.

Jasper Hahn: Yep.

"He's a chubby old rooster,
He's a good 'ol good time booster!
People say he's lucky, he'll grant you a wish,
If you rub him nicely or slap him like a fish!
He's my big fat co--"


(Jasper takes out a rooster puppet and Jimmy covers Jasper's mouth)

Trina Seville:
"Let me rub that big fat--"

(Jimmy covers Trina's mouth before she can finish)

Tina Fey:
For "Weekend Update," I'm Tina Fey. That's Jasper Hahn. That's Jimmy Fallon. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.


Thanks to Mike S.for this transcript!


SNL Transcripts