Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 27: Episode 17

01q: The Rock / Andrew W.K.

All Aboard the Freedom Train: The Duets of Bigfoot & Neil Diamond

Bigfoot...The Rock
Neil Diamond...Will Ferrell

[Shaky, distant Bigfoot video plays under voiceover]

Announcer (V/O): Bigfoot. One of the most enduring mysteries of the twentieth century. Is this elusive creature a remnant from a prehistoric past? Could he be the lost link to the origins of all mankind?

Bigfoot (V/O): Oh, stop it! You're embarrassing me!

[Fade in on Bigfoot, standing with a microphone in one hand]

Bigfoot: Hi! I'm Bigfoot. And that was me way back in 1968. Okay now, a lot has changed since those days, and I know, I know, I know, Bigfoot has gained a few [he pats his stomach], but one thing that hasn't great music.

"Let the sunshine,
Let the sunshine,
The sunshine in."

Ah, you remember that one? Well, I sure do. And if there's one thing that lurking in the forest has taught me, it's a love of classical tunes. You know, the good old stuff! Back when music really meant something! That's why I'm releasing my very special two-CD set of classic duets -- with my very good friend Mr. Neil Diamond, everybody!

[Neil Diamond enters, and he and Bigfoot embrace]

Bigfoot: Alright, Neil!

Neil Diamond: Hello, everybody!

Bigfoot: Yeah!

Neil Diamond: I'm Neil Diamond. When Bigfoot asked me to record an album with him, I said, "Name the time and the place, I'll be there yesterday." I tell you, this kid's got pipes so sweet, it almost makes you forget the truly astounding amounts of feces matted into his hair. Listen to this little gem. Hit it, Foot!

Bigfoot: "The cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,"

Neil Diamond: "Little Boy scabally dabally doo,"

Bigfoot: "When you coming home, Son, I don't know when,"

Neil Diamond: "Bee skabba dabba then, a boo lalla baba then." Yeah, the good stuff! And you can hear that and more on:

[Insert shot of album cover]

Neil Diamond: "All Aboard the Freedom Train: The Duets of Neil Diamond and Bigfoot."

[Cut back to Bigfoot and Neil]

Bigfoot: Hey, but watch out! 'Cause no one gets aboard our freedom train without shakin' that caboose! Isn't that what they say, Neil!

Neil Diamond: You said it, Bigfoot! You said it!

[Bigfoot begins dancing around as Neil continues]

Neil Diamond: Listen, folks, I'm gonna be honest. I'm not sure if any of this is real. I am stoned out of my gourd right now. I have been since that night about two weeks ago when I was hanging out behind the burned-out Shoney's and I ran into that weird guy. You know the one -- looks like a black version of Richard Mulligan. Anyway, long story short, that joker slipped me what was supposed to be a harmless mega-dose of LSD and donkey laxatives.

Bigfoot: Oh, you were always a character, Neil!

Neil Diamond: Ha ha ha! Seriously, I have no idea what's going on right now. I'm pretty sure I'm in my basement right now, talking to my water heater. And I know I didn't record this album. But order it anyway, and you'll hear Bigfoot and me sing hits like this: "I've seen fire and I've seen rain,"

Bigfoot: "I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end,"

Neil Diamond: "Oh, I sold a human foot to some Chinese dudes in a van,"

Bigfoot and Neil Diamond: "But I always thought that I'd see you..."

Neil Diamond: "Bigfoot..."

Bigfoot and Neil Diamond: "One more time again."

[Bigfoot and Neil laugh]

Bigfoot: I only hope you've had as much fun listening to these tracks as Neil and I did making them.

Neil Diamond: That's right, Steve Winwood! [he looks around] Can someone confirm if this is real or not? Anyone? No? Never mind! "Monday, Monday!" Go!

Bigfoot: "Monday, Monday,"

Neil Diamond: Yeah!

Bigfoot: "So good to me."

Neil Diamond: "I swear I'm gonna kill Black Richard Mulligan if I get my hands on him."

Bigfoot: "But Monday morning, Monday morning couldn't guarantee..."

Neil Diamond: No way!

Bigfoot: No, Neil, no!

Neil Diamond: "I'm now eighty percent sure it was a dream when I ate that kid."

Bigfoot: So take it from me, old Bigfoot!

Neil Diamond: And me, Steve Winwood! Hey, if you ever find me asleep in the back seat of your car, just let me sleep, all right? Maybe buy me an Egg McMuffin on your way into work -- I'll pay you back, you lousy douchebag! I'm good for it, all right? Especially if this album is for real, right, Bigfoot?

Bigfoot: Hey, that's right, old friend!

Neil Diamond: [suddenly angry] You do not talk to me like that, water heater! I'm Neil Diamond!

Bigfoot: Hey, can we get this guy a doctor? Can we get this guy a doctor?

[Neil begins yelling incoherently]

[Cut back to a shot of the album cover, with ordering information]

Announcer (V/O): If you want to take a chance that any of this is happening, order now! Just send $19.95 to Bigfoot, care of Neil Diamond's water heater, behind the burned-out Shoney's.

Submitted by: Anonymous

SNL Transcripts