01q: The Rock / Andrew W.K.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

.....Jimmy Fallon
.....Tina Fey
Gene Shalit.....Horatio Sanz



Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey."

Jimmy Fallon: Hello, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

This week, Enron accountants Arthur Anderson have announced that they will lay off 7,000 employees and that’s not even counting the employees who were secretly shredded.

Earlier today for the first time, Yassa Arafat issued a statement in Arabic condemning terrorism. US officials say it is a step in the right direction except for the last line which translates to ‘wink, wink’.

Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock got engaged in Las Vegas this week. To celebrate their engagement, Kid Rock gave Pamela a 3 carat diamond ring, and Pamela gave Kid Rock hepatitis.

On his weekly radio show, Al Sharpton is now being introduced as The Honourable Reverend Doctor Al Sharpton. You know what? As long as the last 2 words are Al and Sharpton you are not fooling anyone.

(picture of Elton John and Hilary Clinton very close) You remind me of an old boyfriend………so do you…

It was announced this week that Nicolas Cage will be the first inductee of The Italian-American Hall of Fame. Which I’m guessing means Marlin Brando, Robert DiNiro, Francis Ford Coppola, Al Pacino, Martin Scorsese, Marisa Tomei, James Gandolfini, Susan Lucci, Joe Pesci, Danny DeVito, The Olive Garden, Luigi and Mario, Chef Boyardee, Louis Prima, John Gardie, and Lutha Garci all said NO.

Cage will be president of the ceremony of the Italian-American Hall of Fame when they tape his Polaroid up between the soda machine and the empty pizza boxes.

(shows a picture of Alanis Morrisette) Alanis… Alanis, not everything you write in your journal is a song.

In other news controversial Little League pitcher Danny Almonte celebrated his 13th birthday on Sunday despite the fact that his birth certificate says he is much older. Almonte spent the day eating cake and playing in the park with his nine year old son.

Ed McMahon has filed a 20 million dollar law suit against his insurance company claiming he and his wife were sicked due to toxic mould from a flood in his Beverly Hills home. McMahon sent a letter to his insurance company saying ‘You already may owe me 20 Million Dollars’

A newspaper in India reported that a local woman has been living on a diet of discarded cigarette butts for the past 50 years. Reports said that there is so many filters in her stomach that she pees Brita.

Researchers at Yale University have enrolled cocaine addicts in a clinical trial to test cocaine vaccine. The results of the trial were stolen along with everything else at the clinic.

Jimmy Fallon: Last night, Fox news reported that 2 bears rampaged through Gene Shalit’s home in Stockbrake, Massachusetts, this is a true story. Here now with a review of the bears performance is Gene Shalit everybody.

Gene Shalit: Those bears were unbearable.

Jimmy Fallon: Good, that’s great.

Gene Shalit: It was a grizzly evening.

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, that’s good.

Gene Shalit: I barely escaped with my life.

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, we got it.

Gene Shalit: Some rampagers through my house were too hot, some rampagers through in my house were too cold, these rampagers through my house--

Jimmy Fallon: Were just right. Yeah, that’s great.

Gene Shalit: Those bears made me poop in my pants!

Jimmy Fallon: I don’t get that one.

Gene Shalit: Oh well, I’ll just have to grin and bear it.

Jimmy Fallon: Okay.

Gene Shalit: I was so frightened I lost me bearings.

Jimmy Fallon: Wow.

Gene Shalit: When… I got more.

Jimmy Fallon: You got more huh? (sarcastically) Good…

Gene Shalit: When they make the movie it should star John Clause Van Damn. Huh? Does a bear crap in the woods? Not when it can crap on my sofa.

Jimmy Fallon: Alright, gene Shalit everybody.

Lets see Robert DeNiro- super cool, guitars- always cool, Robert DeNiro holding a guitar… surprisingly un-cool.

Tina Fey: John Crutchly, known as the Vampire Rapist committed suicide this week at a Florida Prison where he was serving a life term.

Jimmy Fallon: Oh man, that’s terrible.

Tina Fey: What? No, no its not. He raped people and drank their blood.

Jimmy Fallon: Oh, I thought he was called the Vampire Rapist because he raped vampires. That would be a good thing, you know?

Tina Fey: No, no. I’m glad we cleared that up.

Jimmy Fallon: Well anyway, we’ll miss you Vampire Rapist.

Tina Fey: No we won’t.

According to new research, it is extremely difficult for women over the age of 40 to have a child. So hello Bea Arthur, goodbye condoms.

(Gene Shalit runs in)

Gene Shalit: Thanks for baring with us.

Jimmy Fallon: I didn’t know you were here.

Gene Shalit: I had a honey of a time. (‘The Bear Necessities” begins to play, and Gene begins to dance)

Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: And I’m Jimmy Fallon. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

(Tina gets up and dances with Gene and Jimmy claps along with the music)


Thanks to Roseanne Sigglekow for this transcript!


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