01s: Kirsten Dunst / Eminem

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

.....Jimmy Fallon
.....Tina Fey
Paris Hilton.....Maya Rudolph
Nicki Hilton.....Kirsten Dunst
.....Chris Kattan
.....Chris Parnell



Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey."

Jimmy Fallon: Hello. I’m Jimmy Fallon

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories.

Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharone arrived in Washington on Sunday Night to give President Bush a 91 page book proving that Yassa Arafat funded terrorists. White House sources say Bush has the book, and is almost done colouring it.

According to a University of Michagon studies, the March 2000 Today Show broadcast of Katie Kirks colanoscapy prompted many Americans to undergo the test themselves. However, mourning TV viewers were actually more curious to see what's up Bryant Gumbel's ass.

Bostons arch diacies announced they will be selling Church properties to raise money for the settlement of sex abuse cases. They’ll start by selling alter boy robes, which are currently half off.

NBC announced this week that they will be producing a 3 hour TV movie based on the life of Rudolph Giuliani. To keep the movie real to life, the Giuliani character is really unlikeable until the last 15 minutes when everyone loves him.

The woman that had accused singer James Brown of sexual harrassment is seeking a new trial in her 2 million dollar law suit. Undetered, Brown used this hand and mouth signal to make a settlement to the plantiff. (Picture is of James Brown doing the obscure hand and mouth gesture to indicate a blowjob)

KNOCK SOUND AT THE WEEKEND UPDATE DOOR
Tina Fey: What is that?

Jimmy Fallon: Tina, I think someones at the Update door.

Tina Fey: I’ll see who it is.

OPENS DOOR, NICKI AND PARIS HILTON WALK IN
Tina Fey: Oh hi. It’s New York socialites and Maxim covergirls Nicki and Paris Hilton. Hi ladies.

Jimmy Fallon: What have you girls been up to?

Paris Hilton: Oh, you know, partying, making the scene with digi, and hitting the clubs of Southbeach with our signature style.

Nicki Hilton: Also, I just finished 7th grade.

Tina Fey: Well, whats next for you guys?

Nicki Hilton: I’m gonna do some partying. And some progressive tanning, try to get
down to my summertime weight.

PARIS FALLS OVER

Tina Fey: Paris fell over.

Jimmy Fallon: Paris fell over, yeah

Tina Fey: Paris get up! Stick your boob-- Put your boob back in your shirt Paris. Real good.

NICKI’S HAND REMAINS ON PARIS’S BOOB AS THEY GET UP. SHE LETS GO WHEN TINA STARTS TALKING

Tina Fey: Ok, well thanks for coming by, but we have to get back to work now.

Paris Hilton: We know.

Both (Nicki & Paris): Bye. (They leave)

Jimmy Fallon: The Hilton sisters everybody.

Tina Fey: Bye Hilton sisters. They’re really lovely.

On Thursday, Rhode Islands senate passed a bill to issue liscence plates honouring the 50th birthday of Mr. Potato Head. Then on Friday, Rhode Island state unanamously passed a bill prohibiting them from passing bills when everyone is drunk.

A federal judge ruled that nude pictures in Junes ‘Penthouse’ magazine and not of tennis star Anna Kournikova as advertised. Also, it turns out that the 2 viking girls going at in on page 93 are not real vikings.

Jimmy Fallon: Really?

Tina Fey: They’re not.

Jimmy Fallon: This week a British man was arrewsted after running naked in front of a motor cade carrying Queen Elizabeth. Here now with a terrible re’enacment of that event is our own Chris Kattan.

Chris Kattan: (Dressed as Queen Elizabeth) Hello my loyal subjects. (Walks off screen)

HE STREAKS BACK AND FORWARD OFF THE SCREEN.
Chris Kattan: (As queen again) Oh, I’m scandalised. (Falls over)

Tina Fey: Truely terrible re-enacment.

Commenting on his love life this week, Mike Tyson has blamed the press saying they have quote “Written so much bad stuff about me, I can’t remember the last time I -BLEEPED- a decent woman. I have to -BLEEP- strippers and whores and -BLEEP- because you put that image on me.” Michael, Michael... You had me at -BLEEP-.

This week in Balagraid, the Serbian version of ‘Who Wants to ba a Millionaire?’ made its debut. There were no survivors.

Last week Robert Blake asked the judge for more time with his lawyers, claiming he almost can’t read because of severe dislexia. That explains why he shot his wife, and then went to get a gun in the restaurant.

Jimmy Fallon: I guess, is that right?

The world health orginisation has officially declared that the Ebola outbreak in Gabon, Africa, which killed over 50 people, has ended. So feel free to go ahead and take that trip to Gabon, a country that for now is not experiencing an Ebola outbreak.

Jimmy Fallon: Here now with some celebrity gossip, is our own Chris Parnell, everybody.

Chris Parnell: Well, the ‘it’ girl of the moment, the person everyone is talking about is our host tonight, Miss Kirsten Dunst. People want to know, who is she dating? Is there a special man in her life? Well... arggg, Kirsten don’t hate me for this, but I just have to say it. Ummm.. Kirsten Dunst and I, Chris Parnell have been dating for the last 3 years. Yeah, she's amazing. We’ve just been hanging out in L.A and having a really good time.

Jimmy Fallon: Well, that's news to me.

Tina Fey: Yeah, Chris this is news to all of us. Really hard to believe news.

Chris Parnell: Well, she's a very private person and she probably won’t admit to any of this. But, umm, we love each other very much, and it might sound corny, but to celebrate our love, I wrote a song about our life together. So Kirsten, this is for you.

Yo Yo Yo Listen up! This is a true love song! Uh huh Uh huh
Ever since the day I was born
I've been looking for a ho' that I could call my own.
A beautiful dream I's just waiting to be shown.
And then God-o-mighty throws me a mother f ' ing bone.
One day she knocked on my door
and like a suicidal virgin laid down on the floor.
She said "Sweet C.P. please take me, I'm yours!"
But then the bitch passed out and she started to snore.
Turns out she got some bad "E"
but then I woke her up and showed her true ecstasy.
And before she went blind I said "girl get off of me!"
But she said "I'm enjoying my ride, cant you see?"
I got my Kirsten D a million G's
Fly 23's, Mercedes E's
Penthouse parties, Prada Tee's
and a chris-craft 43 to sail the seven seas
Just livin it up on the West side
Everybodys just chillin pool side
While my rhymes are going world wide,
K.D and me are gonna do some slip 'n slide.
In the morning, I went for a run
and when i got got home she was lying in the sun.
Naked like a statue, the goddess of fun.
And she removed my shorts, my shoes, and my gun.
Then suddenly, from out of the blue,
the shots ran out from behind the bamboo.
So I went crazy like Shaka ZuLu
I grabbed my gat and put the mother f ' ing heat on those fools.
What is this crap? Have I been capped?
Could this be true..my life is through?
Its just a nick, I must be quick, Kirsten get into the pool.
Ten mintues later the clowns were all dead
So I buried them all in the big flower bed
I apologized to Kirsten for all the blood shed.
She just smiled and took me back to bed.
I got my Kirsten D a million G's
Fly 23's, Mercedes E's,
Penthouse parties, Prada Tees,
and a Chriscraft 43 to sail the seven seas
Just livin it up on the west side
Everybodys just chillin pool side
While my rhymes are going world wide
K.D and me are gonna do some slip and slide.

Chris Parnell: Yeah, thank you. I know it sounds crazy, but thats our life!!

Kirsten Dunst: Chris.

Chris Parnell: Oh, hi Kirsten.

Kirsten Dunst: What are you doing?

Chris Parnell: Honey, nows not the time.

Kirsten Dunst: OK, everybody, for the record, I met Chris Parnell 6 days ago. We have never dated, and we certainly have not been having sex in his pool or fighting gun battles. I’m sorry, Jimmy, Tina, I’m really sorry.

Tina Fey: No, I’m sorry, I apologise.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, we’re sorry together. Sorry about that Kirsten.

Kirsten Dunst: Bye.

Chris Parnell: Yeah, you know, shes uncomfortable talking about us, shes very private.

Kirsten Dunst: CHRIS!!! CHRIS!!

Chris Parnell: It was all a lie.

Jimmy Fallon: Chris Parnell everybody!! For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.




Thanks to Roseanne Sigglekow for this transcript!


SNL Transcripts