01t: Winona Ryder / Moby

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek.....Will Ferrell
Dave Matthews.....Jimmy Fallon
Bjork.....Winona Ryder
Sean Connery.....Darrell Hammond
Boyd Tinsley.....Dean Edwards
.....Real Alex Trebek



Alex Trebek: Welcome to Celebrity Jeopardy: Rock and Roll Edition, where some of today's biggest musics are competing for their favorite charities. Let's meet the contestants: Dave Matthews of Dave Matthews Band. Dave, welcome to the show.

Dave Matthews: [in squeaky voice] I am glad to be here.

Alex Trebek: Fantastic. Next up, Icelandic sensation Bjork.

Bjork: When I look at the veins in my hands, they remind me of these two snakes that laugh.

Alex Trebek: Beautiful. And our final contestant on Celebrity Rock and Roll Jeopardy... Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: We meet again, you loggerheaded tickle brain poppycock! I cut an album of filthy limericks just so I'd be eligible: "There once was a man named Trebick, who had the most tiniest..."

Alex Trebek: Enough. Let's just get this over with. Here are the categories, they are: "Potent Potables," "Countries Between Mexico and Canada," "Members of Simon and Garfunkel," "I Have a Chardonnay" - you choose this category, you automatically get the points and I get to have a glass of wine. "Things You Do With a Pencil Sharpener," "Tie Your Shoe," and finally, "Toast". Mr. Connery, you select first.

Sean Connery: That's a nice jacket you're wearing, Trebek.

Alex Trebek: Why, thank you.

Sean Connery: Is that wool? Must have been expensive.

Alex Trebek: No, actually, it was quite reasonable.

Sean Connery: Really? Where did you get it?

Alex Trebek: At a place called Stern's, down on 14th.

Sean Connery: Stern's? I'll have to check it out.

Alex Trebek: Well, you should. Ask for Gary. Tell him that I sent you.

Sean Connery: I'll do that. That sure is a nice jacket. Just one more question...

Alex Trebek: What is it, Sean?

Sean Connery: Do they make them for men?

Alex Trebek: Let's just go with "Toast" for $600. And the answer is, "This is the thing that becomes toast". [Dave Matthews buzzes in] Dave Matthews?

Dave Matthews: What?

Alex Trebek: Did you ring in?

Dave Matthews: [singing] I did it, guilty as charged.

Alex Trebek: Do you have an answer?

Dave Matthews: No. No, I don't.

[Bjork buzzes in]

Alex Trebek: Bjork, this is the only thing that becomes toast.

Bjork: Everything is music. When I go home, I throw knickers in the oven and it's music. Crash, boom, bang! (makes indistinct noises) (buzz)

Alex Trebek: Wow. The answer, of course, was bread. Let's go to "Members of Simon and Garfunkel" for $200. "Of Simon and Garfunkel, the one that is not Garfunkel." [Bjork buzzes in] Bjork?

Bjork: Sometimes when I'm putting oranges in the sauerkraut, I think of my thoughts and they make me laugh. [buzz] No?

Alex Trebek: Are you Icelandic or retarded? [Sean Connery buzzes in] Sean Connery?

Sean Connery: Can you repeat the question?

Alex Trebek: "Of Simon and Garfunkel, the one that is not Garfunkel".

Sean Connery: I Garfunkeled your mother. [starts laughing]

Alex Trebek: Come on. [Dave Matthews buzzes in] Dave Matthews?

[Boyd Tinsley enters and plays the intro to the Dave Matthews Band's "Ants Marching".]

Dave Matthews: [singing] "He wakes up in the morning, does his teeth, bite to eat, and he's rolling..." [buzz]

Alex Trebek: Wrong.

[Boyd Tinsley whispers in Dave Matthews' ear.]

Dave Matthews: I'm sorry, what is -

[Boyd Tinsley resumes playing "Ants Marching"]

Dave Matthews: [singing] "He wakes up in the morning..." [buzz]

[Bjork buzzes in]

Alex Trebek: Bjork?

Bjork: This buzzer is musical. Everything is musical. [starts playing with the buzzers and makes indistinct noises]

Alex Trebek: And... shut it! Mr. Connery, still your board.

Sean Connery: I'll take "I Have a Hard-on" for $600.

[close-up to board, the category "I Have a Chardonnay" is edited to read "I Have a Hardon".]

Alex Trebek: I don't believe this. Where did you get that magic marker? We frisked you in on the way in here.

Sean Connery: I didn't have it in my pocket.

Alex Trebek: That's disgusting. Please.

Sean Connery: I bet if you frisked me, you would have found it.

Alex Trebek: All right, that's enough.

Sean Connery: Because I was keeping it in my butt.

Alex Trebek: Okay. We get it. Loud and clear: we get it. It's time for Final Jeopardy...

[The real Alex Trebek enters.]

Real Alex Trebek: And so this was Final Jeopardy. And what a ride it has been, from Burt Reynolds to Minnie Driver, but boy, oh boy, those celebrities did not know the right answers to any of your questions.

Alex Trebek: No, they did not. They were very stupid.

Real Alex Trebek: You got that right.

Sean Connery: Well, well, two Trebeks. I feel like I'm in a Raisin Bran commercial: "two scoops of fruit".

Real Alex Trebek: Back off, Connery. I don't have to take that from you.

Sean Connery: I guess it's true, old married couples do start to look alike.

Alex Trebek: Okay, please. From all of us to all of you, good night.

Real Alex Trebek: Good night.


Thanks to Mike S. for this transcript!


SNL Transcripts