Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 1





02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

The Dr. Phil Show

Female Voiceover.....Amy Poehler
Dr. Phil.....Jeff Richards
Female Guest.....Maya Rudolph
Santa Claus.....Will Forte

Female Voiceover: "Dr. Phil". He's insightful.

[ cut to scene from "The Dr. Phil Show" ]

Dr. Phil: If you want to have a bowl of cereal.. you better get yourself, a bowl, and guess what? You better find yourself some cereal, as well, in addition to milk. and sugar, if you want.

Female Voiceover: He's provocative.

[ cut to scene from "The Dr. Phil Show" ]

Dr. Phil: Take your top off.

[ without questioning him, female guest removes her top ]

Female Voiceover: And he knows the answers.

[ cut to interview with Santa Claus from "The Dr. Phil Show" ]

Dr. Phil: So, you think that these kids, uh.. won't love you, if.. if you don't give them toys?

Santa Claus: [ meekly ] I guess you're right..

Dr. Phil: [ sighs painfully ] You must have a pretty low opinion of yourself.

Santa Claus: I guess I do..

Dr. Phil: I mean.. I want kids all over the world, to love me so much so, that I structure my life around delivering toys to them!

Santa Claus: I see your point..

Dr. Phil: I mean, a rooster only crows so many times before the mama knows a henhouse fulla graham crackers!

Santa Claus: [ confused ] What the hell does that mean?

Dr. Phil: It means.. you can stuff as many donuts in that mouth as you can, that Santa suit's only gonna stretch so far, fat ass!

Santa Claus: [ offended ] What?! What did you just say? That was mean! Was that supposed to help me?!

Dr. Phil: I mean, the rabbit hole doesn't help the rabbit, unless blink-blop-blink!

Santa Claus: That didn't make any sense, either.

Dr. Phil: Oh, yeah? Well, I think you're a fat, old perv! Now, how that.. how's that workin' for ya'?!

Santa Claus: I came here to work on myself! This is ridiculous! [ walks off set ]

Dr. Phil: Stupid perv!

Female Voiceover: "Dr. Phil". Weekdays at three.


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