Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 1

02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

The Sex Robot

Doctor Flemming.....Matt Damon
Bambi.....Amy Poehler
Jasper.....Chris Kattan
Rex.....Jeff Richards
Congressman Applegate.....Chris Parnell
General Mills.....Darrell Hammond

Flemming: (reading a magazine) Oh, those guys are funny… and ruthless. You don't mess with the fashion police.

Jasper: Doctor, we've got trouble. Congressman Applegate is on his way to see you.

Flemming: (panicked) Try and stall them Jasper. I wasn't prepared for this. (he pulls out some stuff and puts it on the desk) I have to try and look busy here. (he puts on a white coat) I wish I had some test tubes or something… (two men walk in and Dr. Flemming picks up the phone and starts talking) Ah yes Professor… Johnson. That data you sent over was quite scientific… And for the love of god, please return those test tubes… goodbye fellow scientist. (hangs up the phone, and shakes the men's hands) Congressman Applegate, General Mills.

Congressman Applegate: Doctor Flemming, unless we see results today, we have no choice but to cut your funding for the secret government project.

Flemming: I just need a little more time and money.

Congressman Applegate: We've given you over 19 million dollars in the last 5 years. Your time is up. We need to see the sex robot.

General Mills: You know how important the sex robot is in our fight against terrorism.

Flemming: It isn't a sex robot as you so crudely put it… it's the SexBot 2000. An artificial life form called 'Project Bambi'.

General Mills: Son, you are trying our patience.

Flemming: (to his intercom) Rex… bring in the SexBot 2000. (to General Mills and Congressman Applegate) There's a few kinks I have to work out, but I think you will be impressed. (Rex brings in Bambi sitting on a large covered up box). It was modelled after my girlfriend Bambi.

Rex: The SexBot is in working order, doctor.

Flemming: Thank you Rex. (Rex leaves)

Congressman Applegate: Very impressive. (the two men begin touching the robot's skin, legs etc.)

General Mills: Good lord, she is beautiful.

Congressman Applegate: Feels good too.

Bambi: Please, I belong to Doctor Flemming…

Congressman Applegate: Come on doctor, let us take her for a test drive.

Flemming: That's not the robot, that's my girlfriend.

Congressman Applegate: I'm sorry.

Flemming: I have never been so offended, now get out!

General Mills & Congressman Applegate: I'm sorry, a thousand apologies.. (they leave, but walk back in outraged)

Congressman Applegate: Wait a minute, we gave you 19 million dollars! We're not leaving until we see the sex robot.

Flemming: Very well, gentlemen. (Bambi jumps of the covered up box, and takes the cloth off to reveal a trashcan) I give you the SexBot 2000. (Bambi spins the trashcan around to reveal a hole in the side of it, she walks to the door)

Congressman Applegate: It's a trash can with a glory hole!!

Flemming: It's also got a drink holder on the side, pretty sweet, huh?

Congressman Applegate: I'm calling the president.

Flemming: You haven't even tested it. Step up, drop your drawers, take a knee, give her a spin.

Congressman Applegate: I'm not sticking my thing in there.

Flemming: No, its cool. We've done extensive performance trials on a bunch of hobos. Try it out.

Congressman Applegate: No.

Flemming: How about you General? Can't knock it til you try it.

General Mills: That is disgusting. (Jasper appears out of the top of the trash can).

Jasper: Doc, it's getting really hot in here.

Flemming: Just a few more moments there Jasper. (he puts the lid back on with Jasper still inside)

Congressman Applegate: There's a guy in there!!

General Mills: Okay, I'll try it out.

Congressman Applegate: Didn't you hear? I just said they're a guy in there.

General Mills: I thought you said there's a really hot girl in there. Its my bad okay?

Congressman Applegate: I'm curious how we ever gave a multimillion dollar grant to a scientist like you.

Flemming: Actually, I got the idea from late night TV. You know the guy with the question marks on his suit?

Congressman Applegate: He is the bane of our existence.

General Mills: You would not believe how much that man has cost the U.S. military.

Congressman Applegate: Well, your funding is over doctor Flemming..

Flemming: Cool, well if you change your mind, me and Bambi will be in Cabot. (Flemming and Bambi leave)

Congressman Applegate: We are in some hot water, General Mills. The president is going to be furious. Well, let's go tell him.

General Mills: I'll be right behind you, I'm just going to, ah… make a couple of calls.

Congressman Applegate: Okay. (he leaves)

(Jasper attempts to get out of the trash can)

General Mills: Whoa… not yet son. (he pushes the lid down)

(fade out)

Submitted by: Roseanne S.

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