Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 2

02b: Sarah Michelle Gellar / Faith Hill

Trans American Airlines

Captain.....Chris Parnell
Stewardess #1.....Amy Poehler
Employee #1.....Will Forte
Stewardess #2.....Maya Rudolph
Employee #2.....Tracy Morgan

[ SUPER: "A Message From The Men And Women Of Trans American Airlines" ]

Captain: September 11th, 2001 changed a lot of things about the way we live.

Stewardess #1: But, if you've traveled by air recently, you know that new security procedures at most airlines can make flying a frustrating and unpleasant experience.

Employee #1: But at Trans American, we don't believe that endless lines, early check-in requirements, or confiscating tweezers are the best way to prevent terrorism.

Captain: At Trans American, we have a better idea. We screen our passengers with a system we call "Racial Profiling".

Stewardess #1: You see, unlike other airlines, we at Trans American have noticed that airline hijackers always seem to be Islamic males, age 15 to 45, of Middle Eastern descent.

Employee #2: That's why, at Trans American, any passenger who fits that description is put through the industry's most exhaustive secuity check - including sodium-pentathol interrogation, strip search, and full body cavity exam.

Stewardess: Any passenger who doesn't, we leave the hell alone. That's a promise.

Stewardess #2: Some of our competitors take issue with our policies, and even say that, if you allow racial profiling, the terrorists have won. But we don't agree. I mean, why would terrorists want racial profiling? That's how you catch them.

Captain: Rest assured, at Trans American, we have no intention of changing the system that's given us the best security record in the industry. Fly with us, and you'll see why. And, by the way, you can bring your tweezers.

Voiceover: Trans American Airlines. Security. Reliability. Racial profiling.

SNL Transcripts