Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 2




02b: Sarah Michelle Gellar / Faith Hill

A Message From the President of the United States

President George W. Bush.....Chris Parnell
Dick Cheney.....Darrell Hammond

Announcer: The following is an address by the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, President George W. Bush seated at desk, Vice-President Dick Cheney to his right ]

President George W. Bush: Good evening, America. I speak to you tonight with Vice-President Dick Cheney at my side. It is nearly six months since I last addressed you from this room, and I know what many of you are thinking: yes, I do look a little different. You guessed it: Botox.

Dick Cheney: You are looking good, Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: Thank you. Now for the matter at hand. After months of discussion and careful deliberation, we feel we've made this administration's position on the need for a regime change in Iraq abundantly clear.

Dick Cheney: We made our position clear to the House and to the Senate.

President George W. Bush: And, this week, they have both voted ovewhelmingly to support us.

Dick Cheney: We made our position clear to the United Nations, and clear to each and every one of the American people who watch cable news stations.

President George W. Bush: And, tonight, there's only one person left to notify: Saddam Hussein, this is your last chance.

Dick Cheney: We are tired of your games, all time for compromise has passed.

President George W. Bush: We can do this one of two ways. You can submit to our demands for disarmament, and, maybe, hold on to a little dignity. Or, we can come kick down your door, and pull you out of your house in your underwear, like they do on "COPS". That's "COPS" - on Fox, Saturday, Fox-5.

Dick Cheney: Even if you run down to the side of the house, even if you run and hide behind the garbage cans, our special forces will getcha!

President George W. Bush: That kiddie pool in the back yard? No dice. We'll know you're hiding under there.

Dick Cheney: We demand you allow UN weapons inspectors full and unfettered access, even to your presidential palaces, with their bunkers, weapons storages, and training facilities.

President George W. Bush: And I personally plan to inspect your palace's home theaters, jacuzzis, go-cart tracks and batting cages.

Dick Cheney: Don't forget, Mr. Hussein, we know you inside and out. I was there the last time we put you out.

President George W. Bush: And I was not. I was the owner of the Texas Rangers. But back then, my father - who, by the way, you tried to kill - he would tell me all about your evil deeds. And, ever since then. I've had the same dream - you getting whacked square in the face from a Noland Ryan fast ball.

Dick Cheney: And don't think you're gonna trick us with your lookalikes, 'cause, guess what? We don't care! We're gonna take down everyone who looks even remotely like you! And even, if it comes to it, Cheech Marin.

President George W. Bush: Mr. Hussein, if you answer to your crimes like we discussed, we promise you a fair treatment.

Dick Cheney: We'll give you a nice, cushy prison term, maybe put you in a cell with Robert Blake, maybe make you captain of the prison volleyball team.

President George W. Bush: But, if we do it the hard way, I guarantee you - we will come for you, and we will find you. I know our track record for hunting down terrorist masterminds, and beinging them to justice, is not perfect.

Dick Cheney: 0 for 1, Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: But, this time, we have an address - Baghdad. And something else. As a wise man once wrote on a poster for the movie "Jaws 4": "This time, it's personal." You can cooperate, or we can lay the hurt on you Texas-style; that's a regular ass-whoopin' that's been supersized! And it goes a little something like this: "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


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