Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 2




02b: Sarah Michelle Gellar / Faith Hill

"I Love My Man"

Sexy Woman.....Maya Rudolph
Sexy Man.....Tracy Morgan

Sexy Woman: I love my man. My man puts it all together for me in the day, and takes it all part at night. He's no ordinary man, my man. He knows how to treat his lady. And, in so doing, his lady knows how to.. reciprocate. Because, by reciprocating, we give unto each other of ourselves. I offer my breasts.

Sexy Man: I would like that!

Sexy Woman: Two round undulets, full and alive.. bound only by free air.

Sexy Man: [ moaning ] Oh, yeahhhh..

Sexy Woman: My hips.. my thighs.. my soft shoulder. They are for him. Sweet curves that only his hands could navigate. He is.. my soul mate. and we are like two night hawks, rounding the evening sky in search of the transcendant desire.

Sexy Man: What about those breasts?

Sexy Woman: He knows my body. He has explored the mysteries of my loins.

Sexy Man: That's good. But I got hung up on those breasts, though.

Sexy Woman: His fi-angers have danced along the contours of my sex-e-ality. In his hands, I am a saxophone..

Sexy Man: Don't overthink it, baby.

Sexy Woman: My lips, anticipatory, hunger for his love. My loins, my cheeks, my soft belly crave his caress.

Sexy Man: I crave your breasts.

Sexy Woman: Oh, if I were a goddess - maybe Venus or Helen of Troy - a temple, would I build, wherein we, too, could explore our endless possibilities.

Sexy Man: Cool it with the abstractions, baby.

Sexy Woman: Come, sweet. Come to me now, and fulfill my love for you. Bring all of your desires, and we shall lay naked, honest to the world. Come now, for I am ready.

Sexy Man: Yeah, baby, but I creamed my jeans back when you said "breasts".

Sexy Woman: [ disappointed ] Let's go. You want to watch "The Gilmore Girls"?

Sexy Man: Yeah, okay.. I'm gonna go make some popcorn, though.

[ fade ]


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