Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 2

02b: Sarah Michelle Gellar / Faith Hill

Saddam Hussein Briefing

Saddam Hussein.....Darrell Hammond
Henchman #1.....Jimmy Fallon
Henchman #1.....Jeff Richards
Lookalike #1.....Chris Kattan
Lookalike #2.....Horatio Sanz

[ open on exterior, Imperial Palace ]

[ SUPER: "The Imperial Palace, Baghdad, Iraq" ]

[ dissolve to interior, President George W. Bush speaking on television ]

Voice on Television: Saddam Hussein.. must disarm himself. Or, for the sake of peace, we will need a coalition to disarm him.

[ Saddam Hussein turns the TV off ]

Saddam Hussein: That guy's got the real red-ass for me.

Henchman #2: You said it, Boss.

Henchman #1: They're mad because you're jerking around the guys from the UN!

Saddam Hussein: I've been doing that for over four years! Why do they get all mad now?!

Henchman #2: Their American economy is tanking, and there's an election coming up.

Henchman #1: I wouldn't be surprised if Bush had sharpshooters in the hill outside the Palace, waiting to shoot you.

Saddam Hussein: You're right. Get one of my lookalikes in here.

Henchman #1: [ clapping ] Get in here!

[ Lookalike #1 enters ]

Lookalike #1: Yes, sir.

Saddam Hussein: Why don't you go up on the roof and get some fresh air? And.. check out the hillside, see how many flowers you can count.

Lookalike #1: Okay, yes, Saddam. Thank you.

Saddam Hussein: And don't walk around too much - stay in one place!

Lookalike #1: Okay.

[ Lookalike #1 exits ]

Saddam Hussein: See? I still don't get it. I haven't done anything lately! Why is Bush coming after me?

Henchman #1: Boss, I think that you're the Joker to his Batman.

Saddam Hussein: I know, but at least Batman waited 'til the Joker committed a crime before he jumped up his ass!

Henchman #1: Yeah, yeah, I know. This Bush guy is serious.

Saddam Hussein: I said I would let the inspectors back in! But this Bush guy, he wants to fight! No other countries want to fight!

Henchman #1: No, that gay guy - Tony Blair - wants to fight you, too.

Saddam Hussein: How many times do I have to tell you - he's not gay, he's English!

Henchman #1: It's a fine line, English and gay. I mean, Mr. Bean - he's gay, right?

Saddam Hussein: Probably! But that's not the point!

Henchman #1: Bush says he won't quit until you're dead.

Saddam Hussein: I know.. Get another lookalike in here!

Henchman #1: Roush!

[ Lookalike #2, a fattie, enters ]

Saddam Hussein: Good gravy! What are you guys trying to tell me? Is this what I look like to you?

Henchman #1: Look, Boss.. it's hard to get people to be you these days. I mean, we've been through, like, 200 lookalikes already..

Saddam Hussein: What did he do - eat them?! Please!

Henchman #1: Look, Boss, concentrate - this is who we got.

Saddam Hussein: Alright. Okay. Listen, Roush..

Lookalike #2: Yeah, yeah, yeah..

Saddam Hussein: I left.. my green sneakers-

Lookalike #2: [ mumbles incoherently ]

Saddam Hussein: I left my green sneakers.. at the palace.

Lookalike #2: Right!

Saddam Hussein: Why don't you take my convertible-

Lookalike #2: [ mumbles incoherently ]

Saddam Hussein: And I want you to go get them for me. Okay?

Lookalike #2: [ mumbles incoherently ]

Saddam Hussein: And put the top down. Have fun! Remember, you represent me. So, be proud. Walk tall.

Lookalike #2: O-kay.. take it easy!

[ Lookalike #2 exits ]

Saddam Hussein: [ stern ] No more fat guys!

Henchman #1: I know.

Saddam Hussein: You know, I don't know what I did to this guy.. I'm telling you, this new George Bush is evil!

Henchman #2: No, Boss! He's too dumb to be evil. You - you are evil!

Saddam Hussein: [ dumbfouded ] What did you say to me?

Henchman #2: What? I-I didn't say nothing..!

Saddam Hussein: No, no. You said I'm evil. Evil how? How am I evil?

Henchman #2: [ gasps ] It's like he said! Uh.. you're like the Joker..

Henchman #1: Let me handle this one..

Saddam Hussein: The Joker? So, I'm a clown? I'm a clown? I'm here to amuse you?

Henchman #2: [ desperate ] No, no! I'm saying.. you know.. you're like a.. a diabolical genius!

Saddam Hussein: I'm diobolical?

Henchman #2: [ trying to help ] Uh.. what Aphram meant was-

Saddam Hussein: No, no! He's a big boy, he can speak for himself Evil, how?

Henchman #2: [ hard-pressed to save himself ] I-I meant it a compliment.. I-I mean you're.. you're crazy.. crazy like a fox.. crazy cool..

Saddam Hussein: [ stares for a beat, then adjusts ] Ha, I'm kidding you! I had him, though, huh?

Henchman #1: Like in "Goodfellas"!

[ they all laugh ]

Henchman #1: You scared him good, Boss! You scared him good!

Henchman #1: You know I love you, man!

Saddam Hussein: I know.. Hey, I'm thirsty. Are you thirsty?

Henchman #1: I'm a little thirsty..

Saddam Hussein: Afram.. listen.. Why don't you put on this moustache, and this hat, and go to the store and buy us a soda?

Henchman #2: [ afraid ] Boss, don't make me..

Saddam Hussein: No, it's one of my crazy, diabolical plans! In this plan, you go to the store and buy sodas!

Henchman #2: Boss.. please..

Saddam Hussein: Go! The evil guy is thirsty! [ Afram exits, shakily ] We're going to stay here and watch the Larry, King. Huh?

Henchman #1: Yeah, right, Saddam! you got him good, Boss!

Saddam Hussein: Thank you very much. I know, but.. if he comes back from the store - kill him.

Henchman #1: You got it!

[ fade ]

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