Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 2


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com









02b: Sarah Michelle Gellar / Faith Hill

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

.....Jimmy Fallon
.....Tina Fey
Steven the Dell Computer Kid.....Seth Meyers
Doctor.....Chris Parnell
Ripple Ramada.....Maya Rudolph
Delorian Ramada.....Sarah Michelle Gellar

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey."

Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey. And here are tonight's top stories.

According to a recent poll, most people say that President Bush is neglecting problems at home, and spending too much time planning a war on Iraq. Though it should be noted: this poll was taken in Iraq.

Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter won the Nobel Peace Prize on Friday. The committee cited Carter's tireless work in seeking peaceful solutions, as well as his attempts to promote social and economic justice. Or, as the Bush administration calls it: "Queering It Up Big-Time".

Justin Guarini, who placed second in Fox's "American Idol", has signed a record deal - for just 99-cents, he will get ten records.

The FAA wants airlines to install new seats that would help passengers survive crashes, by the year 2016. However, many would feel better if the airlines would install the safer seats by the year Two-Thousand-Right-Now-Bitch!

Tammy Faye Bakker Messner has begun working with People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Tammy Faye said her love for animals stems from the fact that she's part raccoon.

Tina Fey: The cover of the current Newsweek Magazine is a story on teen depression, which afflicts over three million young people. Here with a commentary, is our teen correspondent, Steven the Dell Computer Kid.

Steven the Dell Computer Kid: [ stricken with facial contortions throughout commentary ] Thank you, Tina! Hey, Mom and Dad, if your teen is facing a major bummer attack, there are always five simple words that can turn that frown upside-down: "Dude, you're getting a Dell!"

Tina Fey: Listen, Steven, you're a teenager, have you ever experienced depression firsthand?

Steven the Dell Computer Kid: [ thinking, hand rubbing chin ] Hmm.. let me ponder that conundrum, Tina-rita! I know this sounds crazy, but sometimes I do get the feeling that everyone hates me.

Tina Fey: No, we do hate you. Those commercials are the worst.

Steven the Dell Computer Kid: You're not helping, Jimbo. In fact, beneath this wise-cracking, smart-alecky exterior lies a hollow void, ripe with hairy darkness and deep despair, dude.

Tina Fey: Wow, I had no idea you were this depressed.

Steven the Dell Computer Kid: Well, believe it, my bespectacled buddy. Many is the time that I'm paralyzed with misery. I think to myself, "Steven, you can make every dude in the world get a Dell.. but what do you get, Steven? What do you get?"

[ Doctor walks up to Steven ]

Doctor: There you are, Steven. You have to stop running off like that.

Steven the Dell Computer Kid: [ whispers to the audience ] Dude, that's totally my doctor!

Doctor: Our friend Steven here is a very sick young man, and knows better than to be out of his restraints after sundown. I have personally diagnosed Steven with over 37 psychological disorders, including manic depression, bipolar disorder, Munchausen Syndrome, and gender dysphoria.

Steven the Dell Computer Kid: That last one's pretty bad!

Doctor: He also suffers from hyperactivity of the face, for which, sadly, there is no cure.

Steven the Dell Computer Kid: My soul aches, and my cheeks feel like fire!

Doctor: Time to go, buddy.

Steven the Dell Computer Kid: Dude, I'm getting Thorazine!

Tina Fey: Steven, the Dell Kid, everybody.

According to Toy Wishes Magazine, the hottest toys heading into the Christmas season are the Fur Real Friends. The least hot toy? SpongeBob Newhart.

In entertainment news, has anybody seen that new Christina Aguliera video? I think it gave my TV genital warts.

This week, Andy Rooney has upset many women with his comment about female sportscasters, saying, "The only thing that really bugs me about television's coverage is those damn women they have down on the sidelines, who don't know what the hell they're talking about. A woman has no business being down there trying to make some comment about a football game." and then he peed his pants a little bit.

In Morrisville, Pennsylvania this week, a man hobbled into the local police station, asking for help after he inserted a nail and a firecracker into his own penis. That's what happens when you screw the junk drawer.

Tina Fey: Leonard Nimoy pulled out of a fundraiser for the Jewish Federation of Greater Seattle this month, when he learned organizers wanted to censor some of his photos of naked women. Finally! Someone willing to stand up to the Jewish Federation of Greater Seattle! Your reign of tyranny is over, Jewish Federation of Greater Seattle! [ stands on newsdesk ] Thanks to Leonard Nimoy, Seattle and its surrounding suburbs will now walk free! From Kirkland to Bremerton! From the streets of Silverdale to the majestic highland of Richmond, the people of the great northwest will never again feel the oppressive thumb of the Jewish Federation of Greater Seattle! Residents of Yakima and Maple Valley, arise and be free! The Jewish Federation of Greater Seattle is your oppressors no more! [ walks straight into the audience ]

Here, we see Michael Jackson, Siegfried & Roy, and some animals. The question: Is the orgy over, or just starting?

A band of 937 yodelers in Germany set a new world record for the largest simultaneous yodel, by holding their melody for a full minute. The yodelers inadvertently set another world record, for Worst Minute.

NBC announced it will air a special featuring Cher's final live performance. As per the grand finale, she will be wrapped up and gently placed back in her sarcophagus.

Actor Noah Wylie told TV Guide that after next season, he will be leaving "ER". In response, the TV Guide reporter said, "Well, I guess I'll never be seeing you again - ever."

Tina Fey: Well, everyone knows Paris and Nicky Hilton, the jetsetting heiresses to the Hilton Hotel fortune. But they're not the only set of hotel sister socialites out there. Here with the latest gossip, are Ripple and Delorian Ramada - the Ramada Sisters.

[ Ramada Sisters laugh uncontrollably ]

Ripple Ramada: Hey, Tina!

Delorian Ramada: Hey, Jimmy Fallon!

Tina Fey: So, how is everything, ladies? How's it going?

Ripple Ramada: Yeah, you know how it is, being young, being red-hot.. and being related - by marriage - to a partial owner of a reasonably-priced chain of conference centers.

Tina Fey: So, you guys ever hang out with the Hilton Sisters.

Delorian Ramada: No, it's funny you mention that, Tina, because there are a lot of similarities.

Ripple Ramada: Yeah. Like, they live in the Waldorf-Austoria..

Delorian Ramada: And we live in the Ramada Inn at the Newark Airport.

[ they laugh ]

Tina Fey: Now, the word is that you guys went to the party at 8 1/2, for the premiere of new P.T. anderson movie "Punch-Drunk Love". Any gossip there?

Ripple Ramada: I don't know what any of those things are.

[ they laugh ]

Delorian Ramada: Oh.. but.. we did attend the premiere of Wayne Cherbet's new Toyota dealership in Nutley, and it was divine.

Ripple Ramada: He is cutting prices to the bone, Tina!

Tina Fey: Okay, so any gossip from that?

Delorian Ramada: Oh, you know how it is, Tina - celebs galore! Rutger Hauer.. The Boz - Brian Bosworth..

Ripple Ramada: Yeah. Stacy Keach.. Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.. Apollonia..

Delorian Ramada: Nick Mars, from Motley Crue.. David Faustino.. Joe Isuzu!

Ripple Ramada: Anyways, it sucked! So I found Keach, and I was, like, "Listen, Keach, we're outta here!"

Delorian Ramada: So, Keach hotwires a loaner from the lot, and we head over to the restaurant in the Kia in Fort Wayne.

Ripple Ramada: Free Swedish meatballs, y'all!bitch!

Delorian Ramada: [ drinking from a glass of booze ] Oh.. I think this stuff has turned..

Ripple Ramada: Eeuughhh..

Tina Fey: Ripple and Delorian Ramada, everybody!

Krispy Kreme Donuts wedding cakes are becoming the hot, new thing at weddings this season. Not coincidentally, so are Size 27 weding dresses.

Jimmy Fallon: With "Weekend Update", I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.


SNL Transcripts