Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 2




02b: Sarah Michelle Gellar / Faith Hill

Making the Video

Christina Aguilera.....Sarah Michelle Gellar
David LaChapelle.....Jimmy Fallon
Vetiver Lee.....Tracy Morgan
Extra 1.....Chris Kattan
Extra 2.....Maya Rudolph
Assistant director.....Amy Poehler
Guy in Mexican wrestling mask.....Horatio Sanz
Redman.....Dean Edwards

[text scrolls down, CHRISTINA AGUILERA]

Announcer: On this episode of "Making the Video" go for a ride with Christina Aguilera.

Christina Aguilera: Oh, yo, this is gonna get dirrty, y'all!

[text scrolls down, "DIRRTY"]

Announcer: And check out the world premiere of her new video, "Dirrty".

[SUPER: Los Angeles -8:13 P.M.]

David LaChapelle: This video is gonna be real nasty, and real LaChapelle-like. A lot of subversive things, a lot of plushies, a lot of bad smells. It's sort of like if you pulled up a stink clog and Christina was hanging from it.

Christina Aguilera: David LaChapelle and me, you know, we sort of co-did this video together. The song is called "Dirrty" but I wanted to call the song "[bleep] Guzzling [bleep]" but L'il Kim already used that.

Vetiver Lee: I was gonna put these little red panties on - on Christina. But she doesn't want to wear no pantie-P's. So I just spray painted her poo-poo red. Oh, we gotta grease you up, girl. Gimme that pork chop, throw ya ass around.

Christina Aguilera: You know that dirrty feeling, you know, when you wake up with no pants on, face down on the floor and you got like, like a condom in your ear? Well that's the feeling we're trying to create. I love that feeling. DAMN!

Extra 1: Sometimes I get what I call a "Christina burn" from her, humping on me so hard.

Extra 2: Well, once I had a Christina burn on my back.

Assistant director: Okay, listen up, dancers and the first row of masturbators, I will be spraying you with an artificial B.O. Do not worry, it's only the water that they boil the lobsters in. Focus up.

David LaChapelle: Okay, guys. Okay, guys. Get up on it. Get up on this. Okay? And action.

["Dirrty" plays in the background as everyone starts dancing.]

Christina Aguilera: CUT! DAVID!

Assistant director: David? David?

David LaChapelle: Okay, what do you want? Tell David LaChapelle what you want.

Christina Aguilera: It ain't dirrty enough!

David LaChapelle: Can we get more urine in the fog machine, please?

Assistant director: Okay, could everybody take another dip in the litter boxes, please? And I am missing the guy in the Mexican wrestling mask.

Guy in Mexican wrestling mask: I just threw up in my mask!

Assistant director: Please wait for your cue next time! Okay, we're moving on, everybody - moving on to the party. Let's get Redman.

Redman: Yo, you know what I'm sayin'? When I first came here, Christina ain't had her stuff together, so I had to get down like that. You know what I'm sayin'? It's crazy - ill crazy! Ill maddy!

Assistant director: Hey, hey, can we get some more boogers on these kickboxers?

David LaChapelle: Okay, okay, now, Christina wanted me to have you to sniff this for inspiration. (holds sweaty washcloth which puts Redman to sleep) Perfect.

Christina Aguilera: I'm really excited about Redman being in my video. He is so dirrty, like me. We had sex a bunch of times, but we hadn't met, you know, formally.

[As Redman is being filmed, his lines from "Dirrty" play in the background.]

Christina Aguilera: Yo, CUT! David!

David LaChapelle: Yes, yes, yes - what, what, what?

Christina Aguilera: It just ain't skanky enough! Y'know, I ain't feeling it!

David LaChapelle: All right, let me... let LaChapelle think. Think, LaChapelle. Who are you? What do you think?

Christina Aguilera: You know, I ain't no director, but - I could, y'know ride somebody's leg while they farted. (humps on extra 1's leg)

David LaChapelle: True.

Christina Aguilera: I just feel so free now, y'know. When people see this video, they're gonna stop thinking of me as some blond-haired bubblegum music industry ho and start thinking of me as a actual ho, y'know, like the kind that hang out at Carni[bleep] Mmm-hmm.

["Dirrty" plays in the background as everyone dances.]

Christina Aguilera: David!

Assistant director: David? David?

David LaChapelle: Yes, yes.

Christina Aguilera: It just - it just ain't skanky enough!

David LaChapelle: Okay. Uh-oh, uh-oh. Okay. Let me think. Okay, guess who center square is? David LaChapelle, me. And I think I know what Christina needs.

Assistant director: Okay, could we have quiet, please? Stop all the work, please. (chickens start clucking) Please take all the chickens outside for a moment.

David LaChapelle: No, I want the chickens to hear this.

Assistant director: Okay, cancel that. Chickens stay.

David LaChapelle: I got it. We need a large red rubber baboon ass.

Assistant director: Props, I need a red baboon ass yesterday.

Christina Aguilera: Oh, you are a dirrty genus!

David LaChapelle: Perfect. This is it. This is going to work. This is going to work. You're gonna move this. Let's try it again, and everybody - action!

["Dirrty" plays one more time as everybody dances. Christina is wearing the rubber baboon ass and shaking it as she dances.]

[fade]


Submitted by: Mike S.


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