Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 3

This free script provided by

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


October 19th, 2002

Sen. John McCain

The White Stripes



Decision 2002: Iraqi State News
Summary: A self-appointed landslide has ensured Saddam Hussein's (Horatio Sanz) presidential victory in Iraq.

Recurring Characters: Saddam Hussein.



Sen. John McCain's Monologue
Summary: After Sen. John McCain tells a couple of political jokes, Venezuelan nightclub comedian Fericito (Fred Armisen) helps him develop a catchphrase to make for a more successful monologue.

Recurring Characters: Fericito.


Summary: John Ashcroft (Sen. John McCain) and Rebecca DeWitt (Rachel Dratch) debate safety measures against terrorism, while Harry Belefonte (Tracy Morgan) sputters more nonsensical outrageous statements.

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, John Ashcroft.


To Love, Honor & Stalk: The Gillian Woodward Story
Summary: The Lifetime Network misconstrues the story of Gillian Woodward (Amy Poehler), a woman being stalked by her close-talking husband, David (Sen. John McCain), in their feministic TV-movie.


Wake Up Wakefield
Summary: Hippie teacher Pete Van Bleet (Sen. John McCain) carves Steely Dan jack-o-lanterns for Megan (Maya Rudolph) and Sheldon (Rachel Dratch).

Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon, Randy Goldman, Mr. Banglian.


TV Funhouse
Summary: In Rob Smigel's latest superhero adventure, the evil Bighead subdues the Ambiguously Gay Duo with a decor change.


Meet The Press
Summary: Tim Russert (Darrell Hammond) won't stop asking Sen. John McCain if he'll run for President again in 2004.

Recurring Characters: Tim Russert.


The White Stripes perform "Dead Leaves And The Dirty Ground"

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey
Summary: Tina Fey delivers a rant on Saddam Hussein's political victory. The Equal Time rule garners airtime for mundane, softspoken political candidate Tim Calhoun (Will Forte).

Recurring Characters: Tim Calhoun.


McCain Sings Streisand
Summary: To get back at Barbra Streisand for constantly sticking her nose into politics, Sen. John McCain releases an album of him singing horrible renditions of her songs.


My Big Thick Novel
Summary: Jack Handey recalls a cCrisis of conscience during a dinner with cannibals.


Top O' The Morning
Summary: Irish pub drinkers Patrick Fitzwilliam (Jimmy Fallon) and Wiliam Fitzpatrick (Seth Meyers) - who've heard all the jokes, thank you very much, so save them - interview author Frank McCourt (Sen. John McCain).

Recurring Characters: Patrick Fitzwilliam, Wiliam Fitzpatrick.


The White Stripes perform "We're Going To Be Friends"


SNL Transcripts