Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 3





02c: Sen. John McCain / The White Stripes

Decision 2002: Iraqi State News

Pervez Al-Huwayeh.....Chris Parnell
Daljit Kalakh Galanlaneesh.....Maya Rudolph
Omar Bakeesh..... Fred Armisen
Tariq Al-Darwesh.....Seth Meyers
Rasheed Al-Mulakh.....Chris Kattan
Saddam Hussein.....Horatio Sanz

Pervez Al-Huwayeh: Hello, and welcome back to continuing coverage of the 2002 Iraqi Presidential Election. Whooo! We have a wild one our hands tonight, and so far it shows few signs of settling down.

Let us go now to the map. So, it is still early, but with thirty-two percent of the precincts reporting it looks as though the provinces in red will be going to Saddam Hussein, Glorious Liberator and Defender of the Revolution. And in blue, you see the areas going to the opposition... And in green you see the villages that will be razed to the ground [blue province changes to green, accompanied by a chime sound].

Anyway, as of 10:25 Iraqi Standard Time, with thirty-four percent of the precincts reporting an estimated 99.37% of the electorate belongs to Saddam Hussein, Luminous Warrior and Scourge To The Yankee Running Dogs. And 0.03% of the electorate... go with God.

Here to help me explain the situation is esteemed presidential historian and commentator Daljit Kalakh Galanlaneesh. Daljit, nice to have you back.

Daljit Kalakh Galanlaneesh: Pervez, a pleasure as always.

Wow, what a roller-coaster ride. First of all, let me say that in all my years of watching Iraqi elections I have never *not* seen an election like this one.

Pervez Al-Huwayeh: Here, here... But the 0.03, what is *that*?

Daljit Kalakh Galanlaneesh: Well, first Pervez, you have to remember that for Saddam Hussein -- may his name be whispered with lasting reverence -- this is a new election, the political landscape has changed a lot since 1995. Look at the opposition: I mean, Saddam is running against, well, nobody, but the Nobody he faces this year is much a tougher Nobody than the Nobody he faced in '95.

Pervez Al-Huwayeh: Oh man, oh my gosh, so this is a real camel-derby here, and that accounts for all the blue on the map?

Daljit Kalakh Galanlaneesh: Well, Pervez, here is my suspicion: the ballots being used this year are a little confusing.

Pervez Al-Huwayeh: Okay, okay, walk us through it.

Daljit Kalakh Galanlaneesh: Okay, see, here is the box for Saddam...

Pervez Al-Huwayeh: ...He Whose Benevolence Spreads Like a Milk Through the Tigris Valley...

Daljit Kalakh Galanlaneesh: ...yes, the Sturdy Bridegroom of the Iraqi State, yes, the one and only -- ah, but there is a box marked 'No' here...

Pervez Al-Huwayeh: Okay, okay... see, already you have *lost* me.

Daljit Kalakh Galanlaneesh: Okay, okay... I'll explain it in more detail. See, marking this box is a vote *for* Saddam, and marking *this* box means, 'No, I am *not* voting for Saddam.'

Pervez Al-Huwayeh: Once again, [waving hand over head] whoosh! I am *very* confused, I do not envy those voters out there at the polls. Actually, I am just getting word that earlier today that two of these 'No' votes were cast by secret ballot.

Daljit Kalakh Galanlaneesh: That's right, Pervez, cast by secret ballot in Saddam's home village of Tikrit by Omar Bakeesh and Tariq Al-Darwesh.

Pervez Al-Huwayeh: We go now to Rasheed Al-Mulakh in Tikrit, who's trying to get an interview with the two 'No' voters. Rasheed?

Rasheed Al-Mulakh: Yes, Pervez! I'm here in the village of Tikrit, where two men have realy gotten things "shaken up!"

Pervez Al-Huwayeh: So, Rasheed, can we get an interview with the two 'No' voters?

Rasheed Al-Mulakh: No, no! Hahaha, they are [making air-quotes] *unavailable*! Hahaha...

Pervez Al-Huwayeh: [chuckling] Fantastic! And with those latest developments in Tikrit, I am now receiveing word that Saddam Hussein, He Whose Loins Yeild Unto Us a Legion, has secured 100 percent of the electorate.

Daljit Kalakh Galanlaneesh: [makes trilling vocalizations]

Pervez Al-Huwayeh: We go now live to the Mosul Palace for the acceptance speech.

Saddam Hussein: [laughing] Yay! HAHAHAHA! Thank you! Thank you so much, YEAH! We did it, ahhhhhh! [shoots rifle in air, then hands it to subordinate] Whoooooooo! Alright... Thank you to the guys in Starship -- oh, my God, what a great campaign song, whooo-boy!

This... whoa, this is unexpected, this is a *real* surprise. Oh man, I should have *prepared* something. Okay... Oh, I have so many people to thank... My Death Squads, where are you guys? Heyyyyyy, hahahaha... Ahhh, I couldn't have done it without you guys.

Y'know, a lot of people said we couldn't win this, and to them I say: LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!


Submitted by: Amanda


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