Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 4





02d: Eric McCormack / Jay-Z

Courtroom Bullhorn

Prosecution.....Chris Parnell
Mrs. Schultz.....Amy Poehler
Mr. Marshall.....Eric McCormack
Judge.....Will Forte
Bailiff.....Horatio Sanz

[ open on exterior, Courthouse ]

[ dissolve to interior, courtroom ]

Prosecution: Mrs. Schultz.. on the night of July 6th, 2001, you witnessed the brutal murders of Adrienne Morgan, Brad Klein and Tanya Reuben. Tell us, in your own words, what you saw.

Mrs. Schultz: [ uneasy ] Well, I saw that man.. and he..

[ Mr. Marshall holds up a bullhorn and lets out an extended siren ]

Judge: [ bangs gavel repeatedly ] Mr. Marshall. I'm going to have to ask you to refrain fom using your bullhorn. Alright? This is a courtroom. Not a football arena. Prosecution may proceed.

Prosecution: Thank you, Your Honor. Once again, Mrs. Schultz, please tell us in your own words what you saw.

Mrs. Schultz: Yes, um.. [ points to Mr. Marshall ] I saw that man..

[ Mr. Marshall holds up his bullhorn again and lets out another extended siren ]

Judge: [ bangs gavel repeatedly ] Mr. Marshall. What did I just ask you, less than thirty seconds ago? [ Mr. Marshall grimaces ] I asked you to refrain from using your bullhorn. Alright? Now, I appreciate the fact that that one was a little bit shorter. Alright? But my patience is running thin here. Okay? And one more time, and I may have to send the bailiff over there to confiscate that horn. I don't want to have to do that. Alright, prosecution may proceed.

Prosecution: Mrs. Schultz? Again. What did you see the night of July 6th, 2001?

Mrs. Schultz: I saw that man, and-

[ Mr. Marshall emits a quick siren blast from his bullhorn ]

Mrs. Schultz: ..he.. he..

Judge: [ bangs gavel ]

Mr. Marshall: [ emits quick siren blast ]

Judge: [ bangs gavel ]

Mr. Marshall: [ emits two quick siren blasts ]

Judge: [ bangs gavel twice ]

Mr. Marshall: [ emits three quick siren blasts ]

Judge: [ bangs gavel three times ]

[ the siren blasts and gavel bangs compete fiercely enough to sound like aggressive Morse Code signals ]

[ extended silence after the Judge bangs his gavel ]

[ Mr. Marshall continues his siren blasts, as the Judge quickly follows suit by banging his gavel ]

[ silence again, until Mr. Marshall emits an extended siren blast over the Judge's repeating gavel banging ]

Mr. Marshall: [ emits quick siren blast ]

Judge: [ bangs gavel ] Mr. Marshall. I don't even know how to describe that last one. It was both long and short at the same time. Alright. But, look.. I'm gonna give you one last chance. Or, do you know what I'll do? [ Mr. Marshall grimaces ] I'll confiscate that bullhorn. Alright, prosecution may proceed.

Prosecution: July 6th, 2001, what did you see?

Mrs. Schultz: Yeah. That man-

[ Mr. Marshall holds up his bullhorn again and lets out another extended siren, over repeated gavel bangs from the Judge ]

Mr. Marshall: [ emits quick siren blast ]

Judge: [ bangs gavel ] Back to the long one, huh? Bailiff? Please confiscate Mr. Marshall's bullhorn.

[ Bailiff confiscates the bullhorn ]

Judge: Mr. Marshall, nobody comes into this courtroom, and dispalys that kind of disrespect. Alright? Nobody. [ whispers ] Nobody. Alright. Prosecution may proceed.

Prosecution: Thank you. [ quickly ] 7/6/01, what happened?

Mrs. Schultz: Yeah. That man-

[ Mr. Marshall whips out a second bullhorn, and blares the notes from "London Bridge" ]

Judge: [ bangs gavel twice ] Mr. Marshaaall. You have a second bullhorn, don't you? [ Mr. Marshall grimaces ] Alright. I, uh, must inform you that the same rules that I instituted for that first bullhorn are in full effect for this bullhorn as well. Alright?

[ Mr. Marshall blares the notes from "London Bridge" on his bullhorn again ]

Judge: They're in full effect for-

[ Mr. Marshall blares the notes from "London Bridge" on his bullhorn again ]

Judge: They are in full-

[ Mr. Marshall blares the notes from "London Bridge" on his bullhorn again ]

Judge: Bailiff? Please confiscate Mr. Marshall's other bullhorn.

[ Bailiff confiscates the second bullhorn ]

Judge: Mr. Marshall, I hope you miss this one ver-y much. I hope the loss of this bullhorn stings to the ver-y core of your soul. [ Mr. Marshall hangs his head ] Alright. Now, the prosecution may finally-

[ Mr. Marshall whips out a third bullhorn, and blares a tune ]

Judge: Oh, brother! Three bullhorns?! [ Mr. Marshall shrugs ] Now, Mr. Marshall, you've displayed an amazingly cavalier attitude toward the justice system here today. [ a beat ] But I like the cut of your jib! That's right. And, for that reason, I hereby fine you innocent!

Prosecution: [ outraged ] What?!

Judge: And this case.. is dism-

[ Mr. Marshall blares a tune ]

Judge: This case is di-

[ Mr. Marshall blares a tune ]

Judge: Mr. Marshall, I'm trying to help you-

[ Mr. Marshall blares a tune ]

[ fade ]


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