Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 4




02d: Eric McCormack / Jay-Z

John Hancock Life Insurance

Husband.....Eric McCormack
Wife.....Amy Poehler

[ open on Husband and Wife having dinner in a fancy restaurant, frantically whispering to one another across the table - camera pans back and forth between them as they speak ]

Husband: Will you relax? The market always comes back.

Wife: It's our safety net. You don't.. screw around with it.

Husband: W-wait as minute.. you think this is easy for me? Do you know the pressure I'm under? Do you know how much college is gonna cost?

Wife: That's what I'm talking about. What about me and the kids?

[ SUPER: "The average age a women becomes a widow is 56" ]

What happens if you're attacked by a mountain lion? [ SUPER: "Last year 2 people were killed by mountain lions" ]

Husband: That is not gonna happen.

Wife: I'm sure two people thought the same thing last year. Now their families eat of a dumpster behind Long John Silver's. They live in constant fear of knife-wielding hobos!

[ SUPER: "Hobos aren't carefree and loveable" ]

Husband: That's terrible..

Wife: Yeah. It is. And, at night, while the kids are sleeping under a freeway bridge, I'll be forced to hang out in a Waffle House parking lot and have sex with truckers for money!

[ SUPER: "The average price for sex in a Waffle House parking lot is $10" ]

Husband: God..

Wife: You think I'm gonna be able to pay for the kids' college doing that? Is that what you want for our family?

[ SUPER: "John Hancock Life Insurance" ]

Announcer: John Hancock Insurance. Frightening your family since 1862.


SNL Transcripts