Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 5




02e: Nia Vardolas / Eve

The Bloder Brothers

Chinese Man.....Fred Armisen
Anita.....Nia Vardalos
Kip Bloater.....Jimmy Fallon
Wayne Bloater.....Chris Parnell

Chinese Man: You look like you had a thumbs-down day.

Anita: Well lets see, I hate my job, my friend totaled by car, and I just found out that the guy I've been flirting with on the internet is a 60 year old woman named Lu.

Chinese Man: Major bummer.

Anita: I'm getting a nice buzz off this Saki though. I think I'll have another.

(Chinese Man walks away, camera pans to Bloater Brothers)

Kip Bloater: Saki? I'm Soukee.

Wayne Bloater: And I'm Teri.

Kip Bloater: And we're the Yahki brothers.

Wayne Bloater: Teriyaki.

Kip Bloater: Soukeaki.

(Both laugh)

Anita: I kind of want to be alone tonight.

Kip Bloater: Well if you're alone, then we'de like to approve that loan - approved.

(Both laugh)

Wayne Bloater: I've got to warn you though - this loan's got high-interest… in you.

(Both laugh)

Chinese Man: Would you like something to start?

Wayne Bloater: Yeah, a relationship with her.

(Both laugh)

Kip Bloater: Me too, make it extra spicy.

Chinese Man: I bring you - (untranscribible word that rhymes with other mommy)

Wayne Bloater: Wa-wa. I want my other mommy.

(Both laugh)

Kip Bloater: I'd like some me-so soup because me-so hungry.

(Both laugh)

Wayne Bloater: Me-so lonely.

Anita: Me-so want you guys to sit somewhere else.

(Muffled laugh)

Wayne Bloater: How about your lap?

(Both laugh)

Kip Bloater: How about your bath-tub?

Anita: How about the back of a police cruiser?

Kip & Wayne: Hi-oooo!

Kip Bloater: I hope they got a pu-pu platter cause I sort of got to shitaki.

(Both laugh)

Wayne Bloater: I think I'll take the shrimp roll. Oops cancel that, I already have one in my pants.

(Both laugh)

Anita: Well this yellow-tail is good.

Wayne Bloater: Any tail is good.

(Both laugh)

Kip Bloater: Many tail is better.

(Both laugh)

Anita: Who are you guys?

Kip Bloater: Well, I'm Kip and this is my brother Wayne.

Wayne Bloater: And were the Bloater Brothers.

Kip Bloater: We used to calibrate thermostats for industrial refrigerators.

Wayne Bloater: And now we pose nude for Playgirl and Hunk.

(Both laugh)

Kip Bloater: Playgirl and Hunk are the names of our parakeets.

Anita: Somebody call the humane society.

(Both laugh)

Anita: I'm Anita.

Wayne Bloater: And we're a needy.

(both laugh)

Kip Bloater: Of a warn bod-y.

Wayne Bloater: Because we're four-ty.

Chinese Man: I made you a special Bento Box.

Kip Bloater: Hey, this box is bento. (Both laugh)

Wayne Bloater: Yeah we want one that's straight-o.

(Both laugh)

Chinese Man: You guys are lame-o.

Kip & Wayne: Oooo!

Kip Bloater: Hey, hey, wait… wasabiiiii.

(Both laugh)

Wayne Bloater: Wasabiiiii.

(Both laugh)

Anita: Hey guys… what's wrong with youuuu? (Slight pause) Can you tell me guys, honestly, what do you guys look for in a woman?

Wayne Bloater: I'm pretty picky. I look for pity and a heart-beat.

Kip Bloater: I look for a woman I can deflate and hide from my father.

(Both laugh)

Anita: You guys are a riot. Do you like to party?

Kip Bloater: Well if party means dressing up like R2-D2 and one of the Mario Brothers and drivng around honking the horn, then indeed we party.

(Both laugh)

Wayne Bloater: If party means shortsheeting our parents bed and then hiding out in our basement clubhouse, then yeah we party.

(Both laugh)

Anita: How about coming over to my apartment and finishing off a bottle of Russian vodka?

Kip Bloater: Where-ski?

Wayne Bloater: And when-ski?

Anita: How about now-ski?

Kip & Wayne: Utgh-oooo-ski

Anita: I know I have Saki goggles on right now but you guys are so weird you're cute. Lets go home and let our bodies do the talking. Wayne Bloater: What's that body - please, don't let her see my enormous areolas.

Kip Bloater: (body talking) Please don't let her see the stretch marks on my floppy man breasts.

(Both laugh)

Anita: Okay, you know what? Maybe we should just go get some ice cream.

Wayne Bloater: I scream…

Kip Bloater: You scream…

Wayne Bloater: You would scream if you saw my enormous areolas.

(Both laugh) Anita: You guys are not obviously into this, and I'm drunk and I don't think I'm drunk enough to have sex with two gia-pets.

Kip & Wayne: Hi-oooo! (Laugh…pause) Bye-oooo! (Laugh)

Chinese Man: Here you go.

Wayne Bloater: Whats this?

Chinese Man: Its called oonagi, because you not getting any tonight.

Kip & Wayne: Hi-oooo! (Laugh, cry, then laugh again)

(fade)


Submitted by: Ryan Corwin


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