Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 5




02e: Nia Vardolas / Eve

La Femme Day Spa

Sonia.....Nia Vardalos
Patron.....Rachel Dratch

[ open on exterior, La Femme Day Spa ]

[ dissolve to interior, spa room, where Sonia awaits as her Patron enters ]

Patron: Hi, uh.. I have an eleven o'clock appointment with Sonia?

Sonia: [ chipper ] Hell-oooo! I am Sonia! What you have waxed?

Patron: Oh.. uh.. just bikini.

Sonia: Okay, baby. Take off pants, hops on the table.

[ Patron removes her pants and climbs on the table, private parts hidden by a row of shampoo bottles on the table in front ]

Sonia: Ohhhh.. this is your first time waxing?

Patron: Uh.. no. No, it's not.

Sonia: [ looking ] Hmm.. hmm.. You wait too long in between.

Patron: Oh.. I-I-I was here a week ago.

Sonia: Nooooooo! Who did you?

Patron: Uh.. I had the other girl, um.. Magda?

Sonia: No no no no. You don't go to Magda, she is no good. You come to me! How many fingers you want?

Patron: What?

Sonia: How wide the landing strip? you want Brazilian?

Patron: No.. no, no.. um.. just American is fine.

Sonia: Okay, please. You put your leg here.. and other leg here. [ positions Patron as needed, begins to apply the wax ] Okay.. okay..

[ Sonia pulls the strips, as Patron repeatedly "Yipe!"s "Ooh!"s and "Eek!"s to the varying degrees of pain from having her hairs yanked by the strips ]

Sonia: So stubborn! Oh, move leg. No, like this. [ spreads Patron's legs apart ] Oh! you have children?

Patron: Uh.. no.. why?

Sonia: [ a beat, as she holds the spread legs in place ] Never mind.

[ Sonia pulls more strips, as Patron continue to scream out her "Yipe!"s "Ooh!"s and "Eek!"s ]

Sonia: Okay, this part gonna hurt a little bit.

[ more strips are pulled, Patron's screams continue ]

Sonia: Okay, I go a little more in.

Patron: Oh, no, no, no! That's plenty! That's plenty!

Sonia: Aww, for your husband. For your husband!

Patron: Uh.. I don't have a husband.

Sonia: [ a beat ] I make room for one.

Patron: You don't have to go too far in.. it's-it's not even bathing suit weather, or anything..

Sonia: Please, honey. If you go to a house, and the grass is very high, and the weeds growing everywhere, you say, "Ahhhh, that is a crazy person's house!" And you run away! I don't want you to have a crazy house!

Patron: Okay..

[ more strips are pulled, Patron's screams continue ]

Sonia: Okay, finished.

Patron: Oh, thank God!

Sonia: Turn over.

Patron: What?

Sonia: I'm going to do the back.

Patron: Uh, no, no.. maybe, let's just skip the back.

Sonia: What? What are you going to do, you got a bunny rabbit tail thing back there. A little furry rabbit tail. Come on, turn over.

Patron: Oh, brother.. [ turns over ]

Sonia: Okay.

[ more strips are pulled, Patron's screams continue ]

Sonia: It's like I can't even make a dent! [ pulls a strip ] You are Hungarian?

Patron: No.

Sonia: Russian?

Patron: No. I'm half-English, half-Irish.

Sonia: No, no, no.. you ask your mother, she will tell you you are adopted! [ pulls a strip ] No English lady is this hairy.

Patron: Are we done yet?

Sonia: You pay double, okay?

Patron: Really? Is it that bad?

Sonia: Honey, you got Robin Williamsí forearms in your panties.

Patron: Don't say that!

Sonia: Don't be embarrassed.

Patron: But..

Sonia: I fix for you, but it's going to take a long time, okay, Sasquatch?

[ Sonia continues pulling strips, as Patron continues to cream in agony ]

[ dissolve to exterior, the strips and screams continue ]

[ fade ]


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