02g: Robert De Niro / Norah Jones

Judge Horace

Judge Horace.....Tracy Morgan
Judge Horace's Mama V/O.....Tracy Morgan
Bailiff.....Will Forte
Plaintiff.....Robert De Niro
Defendent.....Horatio Sanz



Judge Horace: [ addressing camera from his chambers ] In my neighborhood, we had to make do with what we had! So that's why I used things right around my own house to rob people. You know, a broomstick, a garbage can - anything! I had been arrested seven times, and definitely headed for the penetentiary. What had changed everything were the words of my mother - Mama Horace - on her deathbed. [ show picture of Mama Horace ] She told me that if you don't change your life - I'm gonna beat the crap out of you! I bring her touch of tough love and compassion into the courtroom. [ holds up pistol ] I also bring this fifth , 'cause I know ghetto is ghetto! And, when I say "Order in the court!", order's in the court! Okay? And sometimes you got to lick shots at cats. You heard?

Announcer: Real justice. "Judge Horace".

[ dissolve to Judge Horace's courtroom, as Plaintiff and Defendent enter courtroom ]

Announcer: The plaintiff is suing his ex-girlfriend for outstanding gym dues. He agreed to pay his girlfriend's gym dues, if she lost weight. But she, in fact, gained sixty pounds in two months. He is suing for $1,500. The defendent cliams that she thought the agreement was a joke. And she told her ex-boyfriend early in the relationship that she could never lose weight, due to the fact that she suffers from the Elephant Man Disease, and has a slight marijuana problem.

Bailiff: All rise for the Honorable Judge Horace.

[ Judge Horace enters courtroom flanked by two bikini-clad babes ]

Judge Horace: Mmm.. alright, now, I got to do this judge thing, alright? You two meet me back in my chambers. [ the bikini babes turn and exit the courtroom ] Mmm! Get! Sweet like bear meat! [ takes his seat at bench ] Y'all siddown before I slap the doo-doo outta you! [ courtroom sits ] Alright. I read here.. the plaintiff, Joe Blow, is suing his ex-girlfriend for gym dues he incurred. Your name is Joe Blow?

Plaintiff: Yes, your Honor.

Judge Horace: Are you serious about that name, man? What the hell is Joe Blow?!

Plaintiff: I used to do pornos as a teenage, and the name just stuck.

Judge Horace: Man! What kind of pornos was you doin' with the name Joe Blow?

Plaintiff: [ hesitent ] Actually, your Honor.. I'd rather not get into that right now.

Judge Horace: Man, just plead your case before I throw your freaky-deaky ass outta my courtroom!

Plaintiff: Okay, your Honor. My ex-girlfriend said she was going to the gym to lose weight, so I agreed to pay the gym dues. But.. her can got bigger than when she went to the gym. It was like they were passin' out Ben & Jerry's on the treadmill!

Defendent: That's a lie, your Honor!

Judge Horace: Shut that! Shut your big ass! Your turn is coming! So, then what happened?

Plaintiff: So, then I come to find out this wide ride wasn't even goin' to the gym! She took my money and bribed the shift manager at McDonald's to work the fry machine for two hours a day!

Judge Horace: Pretty Rick-y! [ Bailiff steps forward ] Take this philly and roll me a blunt, son. [ Bailiff exits courtroom with the philly ] What you got to say about this here, Slim Shady?

Defendent: I told Joe early the relationship, I couldn't lose weight! Once I tried to lose weight in summer camp, and I got a headache!

Judge Horace: Boo-Boo! That's as dumb as a bowl of mice!

Defendent: Thank you, your Honor. Also, he called me a lard-ass in front of my eighth grade class.

Judge Horace: [ surprised ] You a teacher?

Defendent: No. I'm still in eighth grade.

Judge Horace: So, you are fat and stupid?

Defendent: Yes, your Honor. But he knew I couldn't lose weight, your Honor - come on!

Judge Horace: Yeah, Tiny over here got a point! You knew in the beginning she was big!

Plaintiff: In the beginning of the relationship, your Honor, she told me she fell alseep on a hornet's nest, and the swelling was gonna go down in a year!

Judge Horace: Oh, come on, man! You didn't know she was blowtacious?!

Defendent: I am not fat! I'm big-boned-ded.

Judge Horace: Eh, Boo-Boo, your bones are so big, they could put them in a mu-se-um! Now, hush! [ to Plaintiff ] You was physically attracted in the beginning, right?!

Plaintiff: Yeah. Once you get past the sweating and the layers, she's.. kinda hot.

Judge Horace: Mr. Blow.. we all enjoy the big badonakadonk! But this is about justice! Here is my verdict - you get nothing! 'Cause you knew she wasn't gonna lose no weight! She sweats in the shower, man! And, you! I got a boy named Shadow who likes big broads! He's gonna tap that fat ass!

[ Bailiff steps forward with prepared blunt ]

Bailiff: Sir? Your blunt is ready.

Judge Horace: Ah! You're lookin' pretty, Rick-y! [ suddenly remembers something ] Oh, yeah - call Kool-Aid, my barber, and tell him I'm coming over to get a cut. [ points to Defendent ] And make sure her chunky behind doesn't break anything in my courtroom! I'm out! Got to go smoke my pot!

Announcer: Judge Horace. A real ass judge!


SNL Transcripts