02g: Robert De Niro / Norah Jones A Very Versace Chanukah Donatella Versace.....Maya Rudolph Ozzy Osbourne.....Horatio Sanz Sharon Osbourne.....Amy Poehler Roy.....Robert De Niro Seigfried.....Harvey Kietel Donatella Versace: Oh, Happy Chanukah, everybody. I love Chanukah so much, you know nothing reminds me more of Chanukah than Christmas. [sings: "It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year"] Donatella Versace: Oh the holidays, I'm loving it. Welcome to my special, where we are going to get back to what the holidays are really about - looking good, smoking and champagne. It's also a time to remember all the people in the world that are in need - for example, I am in need of booze. Seriously, I have gone down to my last case of champagne! [sings: "It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year"] [throws bottle of champagne] [doorbell rings] Donatella Versace: Okay, If that's not the liquor delivery, somebody is going down! [Ozzy Osbourne enters the living room] Ozzy Osbourne: Jack, Jack.. Donatella Versace: Oh, look, everybody, it's Ozzy Osbourne. Happy holidays, Ozzy. Ozzy Osbourne: [mumbling] I can't get the remote to work. You have to have computer knowledge to turn the bloody TV on now. Donatella Versace: Oh, you are right - Chanukah is terrific, Ozzy. Let's go stand by the fire and sing Christmas songs. [both grab a marshmallow on a stick, and sing "Jingle Bells", then place the Marshmallow in the fireplace] Donatella Versace: Ozzy Osbourne, you crazy bitch, why do you talk like that? Nobody can understand you. Ozzy Osbourne: AAAAAAHHH fire [marshmallow is on fire] Donatella Versace: Fire oh FFFIIIIIIIRREE. [Sharon Osbourne enters the living room] Sharon Osbourne: Oh, all right, Ozzy, calm down. [Sharon puts out the fire] Donatella Versace: Thank you, Sharon, my face is very flammable. Sharon Osbourne: Thank you for looking after Ozzy, Donatella. Oh, look.. Donatella has doggies too. Donatella Versace: No, no, no - all those poops came out of Naomi Campbell. Sharon Osbourne: Thank you for looking after Ozzy, Donatella. He must have wandered off. Donatella Versace: Yeah. Yeah, well, it's time to wander back. [singing as "Jingle Bells"] Get out of here, get out of here, get out of here, get out!!! Sharon Osbourne: All right. We've got to go, daddy. Jack just smacked Kelly, and she's pressing charges. Ozzy Osbourne: All right.. Monkeys .... Alchohol .... Wizard Shoes. Sharon Osbourne: All right, daddy! Let's go, let's go, daddy! [they exit] Donatella Versace: That was a disaster. Seriously, I think the holidays suck. You know what would make us all feel better? Me sitting on Santa's lap. SSSAAAANNNTTAAA! [Santa comes in, Donatella sits in his lap.] Donatella Versace: I want a speed boat, the power to become invisible, and banjo lessons. [Doorbell rings, Donatella Jumps] Donatella Versace: Oh, holy crap, that scared me! If that's not the liquor man, I'll be forced to drink this [shows a bottle of Versace Blue Jeans Cologne] Versace Blue Jeans, the cologne that smells like booze! [throws the bottle] [Roy of Siegfired and Roy enters] Roy: Oh Donatella, Donatella. Donatella Versace: Oh, look, everybody - it's the world's most magical weiner lover, Seigfried & Roy's Roy. Happy Chanukah, Roy, you seem so upset. Roy: Happy Chanukah, Donatella. Donatella Versace: Here, chug this. [gives him liquor] Roy: Donatella, look at me. I am crying a river here. Donatella Versace: Yeah, you are getting circus snot all over my holiday special. Roy: But, Donatella, I am having the saddest holiday ever. Donatella Versace: Go tell me about it, Gay Wad. Roy: It was horrible! Seigfried and I got into a fight. [Roy reads a poem he made for Seigfreid] Donatella Versace: Oh this is a nightmare!!! [Seigfried enters the living room] Roy: Seigfried! Seigfried: Roy! Donatella Versace: Ugh, Christmas on a cracker! It's the other one. Seigfried: I bought you something. [shows a stuffed albino tiger] Roy: An Albino tiger, how did you know? Seigfried: We've worked with Albino tigers for the past 27 years. Roy: I love you Seigfried! [Kisses Seigfried] Donatella Versace: All right, you two christmas fruit cakes - quit breathing on each other and get out!!!!! Yeah, yeah listen, I have learned nothing about Chanukah. But since this is going down the poop shoot, I guess I can sing you one last song. "Frosty the snow man, blah blah blah bli blah bli blue" Tell me about the liquor man. [false snow is falling in the room] I think I just lost my vision. which means I wont be able to tell if any of you people have gotten out or not, nevertheless please get out. Can someone tell me why it's snowing in my living room? [fades out] Thanks to Daylis for this transcript! SNL Transcripts