02h: Al Gore / Phish

Last Call

George, the Old Drunk ... Tracy Morgan
Old Prune ... Maya Rudolph
Travis ... Dean Edwards

[Near midnight on Christmas Eve. A bar. On the walls, holiday decorations hang side-by-side with photos of classic jazz musicians. Organ music drifts in from somewhere off screen. The place is almost empty except for three elderly African-Americans: the gray-haired bartender Travis who wipes down a table and his last two customers, a man and a woman, who sit side-by-side at the bar nursing their drinks.]

Old Drunk: Hey, Travis! How 'bout a little refresher over here?

Old Prune: Uh huh. Me, too. I could use a refreshener myself.

Travis: [joins them, mildly annoyed] Didn't I say "last call"?

Old Drunk: Don't do this to me! It's the night before Chri'mas!

Travis: Look, I got to get home.

Old Prune: I want to go home, too. But I don't got no home.

Travis: Chief, that is not my problem!

Old Drunk: TRAVIS!

Travis: Okay, man! But only 'cause it's Christmas Eve. Hey, I'll tell you what. This last one is on the house.

Old Prune: On the house?!

Travis: Any drink you want, consider it my Christmas present.

Old Drunk: Anything?!

Travis: Anything! [exits]

Old Prune: Ohhh.

Old Drunk: I'm gonna have me a brandy Alexander. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
[The unseen organist seizes the moment and the Old Drunk breaks out singing with a deep but inebriated voice:]
I want something I've never had before!

Old Prune: You tell 'em, George!
[sings the first line of the chorus with a screechy, high-pitched but equally inebriated voice:]
It's the holidays - There's a drink that's right for you

Old Drunk: I know that's true!
It's the holidays - We'll take a chance on something new

Old Prune: Chook-a choo, chook-a choo, choo choo.
Try a Manhattan or maybe a Singapore Sling

Old Drunk: That's right.

Both: It's the holidays, we can order anything!

Old Drunk: Ha! I know that's good!

Old Prune: Yeah!

Old Drunk: I like Tom Collins, he's a old, dear friend of mine

Old Prune: Yeah, I know you two go way back.
I like gin drinks, somethin' simple like a gin and lime

Old Drunk: It's Christmas Eve, why not a glass of champagne?

Old Prune: Oh, that sounds terrific!

Both: It's the holidays, we can order anything!

[Having completed the chorus, they now talk over the music.]

Old Prune: Hey, George, you know, I could go for a mint julep!

Old Drunk: Ah, delicious. And an excellent, excellent choice.

Old Prune: Mm hmm.

Old Drunk: Me, myself, I'm gonna have a strawberry frip.

Old Prune: Oh! Rum and vodka.

Old Drunk: Rum, you ol' bag of bones. With a dash - a dash of nutmeg.

Old Prune: Ooh! Ooh! What about a Black Russian?

Old Drunk: Well, I HAD a Black Russian but she wudn't no drink! I - I wouldn't mind a grasshopper, though.

Old Prune: Mm mm. Two hours ago. I'm considering the plum ricky.

Old Drunk: Ah, too tricky, a plum ricky. But a stinger might work.

Old Prune: A sidecar for me.

Old Drunk: Aw, whatever we want, it's prack-ically Christmas now.

Old Prune: You're right.
[starts singing a half chorus]
It's the holidays - I've never had a Dubonnet

Old Drunk: You can say that again. Know why?
It's the holidays - I'd really like Courvoisier

Old Prune: Oh, me three. That stuff is delicious.
I like Bloody Marys, Dirty Harrys
Or somethin' with a little zing

Both: It's the holidays, we can order an - y - thing!

[The song ends. Music out. The Old Prune coughs. The audience applauds. Bartender Travis returns.]

Travis: All right, so - so what'll it be?

Old Prune: I'll have a wine.

Old Drunk: A wine for me.

[Travis exits.]

Old Prune: Merry Christmas, you old drunk.

Old Drunk: Merry Christmas to you, you old prune.

[They clink their glasses together and drink.]

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