02h: Al Gore / Phish Last Call George, the Old Drunk ... Tracy Morgan Old Prune ... Maya Rudolph Travis ... Dean Edwards [Near midnight on Christmas Eve. A bar. On the walls, holiday decorations hang side-by-side with photos of classic jazz musicians. Organ music drifts in from somewhere off screen. The place is almost empty except for three elderly African-Americans: the gray-haired bartender Travis who wipes down a table and his last two customers, a man and a woman, who sit side-by-side at the bar nursing their drinks.] Old Drunk: Hey, Travis! How 'bout a little refresher over here? Old Prune: Uh huh. Me, too. I could use a refreshener myself. Travis: [joins them, mildly annoyed] Didn't I say "last call"? Old Drunk: Don't do this to me! It's the night before Chri'mas! Travis: Look, I got to get home. Old Prune: I want to go home, too. But I don't got no home. Travis: Chief, that is not my problem! Old Drunk: TRAVIS! Travis: Okay, man! But only 'cause it's Christmas Eve. Hey, I'll tell you what. This last one is on the house. Old Prune: On the house?! Travis: Any drink you want, consider it my Christmas present. Old Drunk: Anything?! Travis: Anything! [exits] Old Prune: Ohhh. Old Drunk: I'm gonna have me a brandy Alexander. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. [The unseen organist seizes the moment and the Old Drunk breaks out singing with a deep but inebriated voice:] I want something I've never had before! Old Prune: You tell 'em, George! [sings the first line of the chorus with a screechy, high-pitched but equally inebriated voice:] It's the holidays - There's a drink that's right for you Old Drunk: I know that's true! [sings] It's the holidays - We'll take a chance on something new Old Prune: Chook-a choo, chook-a choo, choo choo. Try a Manhattan or maybe a Singapore Sling Old Drunk: That's right. Both: It's the holidays, we can order anything! Old Drunk: Ha! I know that's good! Old Prune: Yeah! Old Drunk: I like Tom Collins, he's a old, dear friend of mine Old Prune: Yeah, I know you two go way back. [sings] I like gin drinks, somethin' simple like a gin and lime Old Drunk: It's Christmas Eve, why not a glass of champagne? Old Prune: Oh, that sounds terrific! Both: It's the holidays, we can order anything! [Having completed the chorus, they now talk over the music.] Old Prune: Hey, George, you know, I could go for a mint julep! Old Drunk: Ah, delicious. And an excellent, excellent choice. Old Prune: Mm hmm. Old Drunk: Me, myself, I'm gonna have a strawberry frip. Old Prune: Oh! Rum and vodka. Old Drunk: Rum, you ol' bag of bones. With a dash - a dash of nutmeg. Old Prune: Ooh! Ooh! What about a Black Russian? Old Drunk: Well, I HAD a Black Russian but she wudn't no drink! I - I wouldn't mind a grasshopper, though. Old Prune: Mm mm. Two hours ago. I'm considering the plum ricky. Old Drunk: Ah, too tricky, a plum ricky. But a stinger might work. Old Prune: A sidecar for me. Old Drunk: Aw, whatever we want, it's prack-ically Christmas now. Old Prune: You're right. [starts singing a half chorus] It's the holidays - I've never had a Dubonnet Old Drunk: You can say that again. Know why? [sings] It's the holidays - I'd really like Courvoisier Old Prune: Oh, me three. That stuff is delicious. [sings] I like Bloody Marys, Dirty Harrys Or somethin' with a little zing Both: It's the holidays, we can order an - y - thing! [The song ends. Music out. The Old Prune coughs. The audience applauds. Bartender Travis returns.] Travis: All right, so - so what'll it be? Old Prune: I'll have a wine. Old Drunk: A wine for me. [Travis exits.] Old Prune: Merry Christmas, you old drunk. Old Drunk: Merry Christmas to you, you old prune. [They clink their glasses together and drink.] Submitted Anonymously SNL Transcripts