02i: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne

Brian Fellow's Safari Planet

Brian Fellow....Tracy Morgan
Robert Forgy....Jeff Gordon
Jose Cruz....Horatio Sanz
Brian's Mom....Tracy Morgan



Singers:
He loves animals
And they love him back.
Inter-species friends
We ain't kidding, mac!
Brian Fellow's Safari Planet!
Brian Fellow's Safari Planet!

[Brian walks along a cartoon jungle wearing a safari outfit while cartoon animals pass by. He points to some of the creatures and smiles]

Narrator: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a sixth-grade education and an abiding love for all God's creatures. Share his loves, tonight on...

Singers: Brian Fellow's Brian Fellow's Brian Fellow's, Safari Planet!!

[cut to Brian in his studio sitting in a chair]

Brian Fellow: Good evening and welcome to Brian Fellow's Safari Planet. I'm Brian Fellow! [applause] Tonight we're gonna meet some animals. Two of 'em. One of 'em is scary and the other is fuzzy. So let's get GO-ING! My first guest likes to hang out in trees. You might have seen him in the bible. Please welcome a SNAA-AKE!

[Jeff Gordon walks on with a boa constrictor around his neck.]

Brian Fellow: And who are you?

Robert Forgy: I'm Robert Forgy of the Lancaster Zoo.

Brian Fellow: I'm Brian Fellow!

Robert Forgy: Hello Brian. This is Orphieus.

Brian Fellow: He looks like a giant worm.

Robert Forgy: Well, he does have a long narrow body, but unlike a worm, a snake has scaly skin.

Brian Fellow: Is he the one that invented this dance? [starts doing the snake, snapping his fingers and gliding his head side to side]

Robert Forgy: You're doing the snake. Uh, I'm not sure if Orpheius himself invented it, but it is based on the movements of a snake, so I guess in a way he did.

Brian Fellow: That's Crazy!

Robert Forgy: Do you know why a snake moves like that, Brian?

Brian Fellow: Because of his complex structure

Robert Forgy: That's right, wow! You know a lot about snakes!

Brian Fellow: I'm Brian Fellow!

Robert Forgy: Yes, and uh, as you know, snakes grow. And as snakes outgrow their bodies, they shed their skin.

Brian Fellow: Let me ask you a question. Where are those snake's arms??

Robert Forgy: Snakes don't have arms.

Brian Fellow: He's probably hiding 'em behind his back, and when I'm not looking he's gonna sucker-punch me!

Robert Forgy: No I promise you, that's not gonna happen.

Brian Fellow: Well I'm watchin him.

Robert Forgy: I assure you, Orpheius is very friendly, but it's not uncommon for people to be scared of snakes.

Brian Fellow: But does your snake still work for the devil?

Robert Forgy: No, of course not!

Brian Fellow: Well did he quit or did he get fired?

Robert Forgy: That's one of the misconceptions people have about snakes.

Brian Fellow: Well you better get him out of here, before I put my foot in his ass and make him a boot!

Robert Forgy: I think we should leave.

Brian Fellow: Good go, I don't need that sneaky snake causing no trouble on my show! Our next guest eats grass and makes sweaters. Please welcome a sheep! [Horatio Sanz walks on with a black sheep on a leash] And who are you?

Jose Cruz: Hi, I'm Jose Cruz, uh, from the children's petting zoo in Rochester.

Brian Fellow: Hello Chester.

Jose Cruz: [chuckles] No, I'm Jose.

Brian Fellow: Oh, is that your nickname?

Jose Cruz: No, my real name is Jose.

Brian Fellow: I'm Brian Fellow!

Jose Cruz: [confused] Hello Brian...I brought with me this beautiful black sheep. His name is Blaster.

Brian Fellow: Well did you see that creepy snake?

Jose Cruz: I sure did!

Brian Fellow: I don't like his attitude. So tell us about Blaster.

Jose Cruz: Well, Blaster's very excited to be here, because the Chinese Zodiac calendar, 2003, is the year of the black sheep.

Brian Fellow: Hold on. Are you telling me that he's uh, Chinese?

Jose Cruz: No no no, I think you misunderstood me.

Brian Fellow: Well make up your mind. First you tell me he's black, then you tell me he's Chinese. He's like Tiger Woods?

Jose Cruz: No, he's the breed of sheep based on the color of his wool.

Brian Fellow: I've always been curious. When they make sweaters out of sheep, which part is their feet?

Jose Cruz: Oh, uh, they don't make sweaters out of the whole sheep, they take off the wool and they spin it.

Brian Fellow: Oh no. None of that! You've entered a no-spin zone on Brian Fellow's show!

Jose Cruz: [confused] What are you talking about?

Brian Fellow: I honestly don't know. I saw it on another show and I thought it would work here.

Jose Cruz: Whatever.

Brian Fellow: So, uh, tell us. Do only certain breeds of sheep have horns?

Jose Cruz: You know what, that's an excellent question. Sheeps' horns occur, because of...

[a thought bubble appears above Brian's head. In it, a snake with arms and boxing gloves on speaks to him]

Snake: Hey Brian Fellow, you're right. I DO have arms. But I'm not gonna punch you, I'm gonna punch your mom!

[Brian's mom appears next to the snake]

Brian's Mom: Hey Brian baby!

[snake starts punching her in the head]

Brian Fellow: Stop hitting her!!

Jose Cruz: I assure you, Brian, I wasn't hitting her. I was petting her fur, the wool.

[thought bubble appears again, with Brian's mom and the snake together]

Brian's Mom: It's ok, Brian! In fact, we've got some exciting news! Me and the snake are in love! I'm getting married!

[Brian's mom and the snake begin kissing]

Brian Fellow: Nooo! You will not marry my mama!

Jose Cruz: [dumbfounded] Look, I don't even know your mother. I'm gonna leave. This is weird for me, and I live with a sheep!

[Jose walks off stage]

Brian Fellow: Well, that's all the time we have for today on Brian Fellow's Safari Planet. Join me next time when my guests will be a raccoon and an opossum. I'm Brian Fellow!!


Thanks to Amy Attanasio for this transcript!


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