02i: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne

Star Dates

Jordan Black.....Dean Edwards
Suzanne.....Rachel Dratch
Gary Busey.....Jeff Richards
Waiter.....Jeff Gordon

Announcer: An ordinary person goes on a date with a star.. on "Star Dates".

Jordan Black: Hi! I'm Jordan Black, and this is "Star Dates". The show where we set up ordinary people on dates with a star. [ knocks on Suzanne's door ]

Suzanne: Oh, my God! [ giggles ]

Jordan Black: Suzanne, are you ready to meet your.. Star Date?

Suzanne: Yeah! I'm so ready! [ giggles ]

[ cut to Suzanne in private interview ]

Suzanne: At first, I was nervous because.. I'm not a big dater. The two reasons I don't date that much is, that 1: I don't have the time. Duh! I work at Fashion Bug! And, 2: I don't really have the desire/opportunity.

[ cut back to Jordan with Suzanne ]

Jordan Black: [ shows picture ] What do you think?

Suzanne: [ looking ] Oh.. um.. Nick Nolte?

Jordan Black: No. Congratulations. Gary Busey.

Suzanne: Oh, yeah.. the motorcycle crash guy.

[ cut to Suzanne in private interview ]

Suzanne: At first, I thought he was famous in a Kato Kaelin kind of way.. but.. then I found out that he'd actually been in some movies.

[ cut to Jordan and Suzanne at the restaurant where she'll have her date with Gary Busey ]

Jordan: Ah, there he is! Gary.. this is Suzanne.

[ Gary Busey comes stumbling in, carrying a giant candy cane ]

Gary Busey: Hey there, Baby Lady? I brought you some candy! A big candy cane filled with other, smaller candy canes! Blew my mind! [ sniffs ]

Suzanne: Oh.. um.. thank you! [ giggles, as Gary bends over to smother her with kisses and grunts ]

[ cut to Gary Busey in private interview ]

Gary Busey: Uh.. I was a little confused, because, uh.. I thought I was the one who's gonna be goin' out with a celebrity, and, uh.. I didn't know her from Adam's housecat! [ sniffs ]

[ cut to Suzanne and Gary Busey on their date ]

Suzanne: So, um.. uh.. what-what movies have you been in?

Gary Busey: Have you seen "Gangs of New York"?

Suzanne: Yeah!

Gary Busey: Well, I was at the 10:40 show of that last night. I was the one that they threw out for whistling too hard and chewin' on the seat covers!

Suzanne: Oh..

Gary Busey: Lemme tell you a story. [sniffs ] I was on an Indian reserve outside of Needles, Nevada, having an Indian named Jojo Stormcloud carve a walking stick out of a likeness of my head.. and there was this Indian-American woman over there, who was nursin' a baby, so I just.. reached out and grabbed her one free teeter. [ sniffs ]

[ cut to Suzanne in private interview ]

Suzanne: I thought I'd be nervous because he was a star.. but, I was actually nervous because he invaded my personal space.. and his breath smelled like gasoline.

[ cut to Gary Busey in private interview ]

Gary Busey: She was bright.. sensitive.. and, uh.. lacked the physical strength to remove my mitt from her pooper!

[ cut back to Suzanne and Gary Busey on their date ]

Suzanne: Uh.. um.. I was actually born in South Dakota, but, uh.. then we moved.. to- ..is something burning?

Gary Busey: I set a pack of Sweet 'N Low on fire. [ sniffs ]

[ waiter steps forward ]

Waiter: Good evening. My name is Jeffrey. May I interest you two in our antipasto tray?

Gary Busey: Listen, uh.. do you have any catfish?

Waiter: No.

Gary Busey: [ turns to Suzanne ] Speaking of catfish, a funny story: I was in High Point, North Carolina, and me and my friend Chet were burning tires and cannin' stuff, and, all of a sudden, I saw the face of that British guy, from "The Jeffersons".. on a catfish head. [ pounds table ] And I'll be damned if he wasn't Chinese!

Waiter: Uh.. well.. have you decided on your entree?

Gary Busey: Uhh.. my fiancee here would like your mesquite-roasted pig and some hominy.. for me, I'd like one of those little lady salads.. with tiny little pieces of square toast that are sometimes spiced with garlic, and sometimes not!

Waiter: Um.. sir.. we don't offer roasted pig.

Gary Busey: Well, then, uh.. just give me two, uh.. catfish - sans Jefferson style.

Waiter: Um.. I already told you we don't have catfish.

Gary Busey: Hey, Irene! Are you giving me the fast eye?!

Waiter: No, Mr. Busey!

Gary Busey: I'll tell you what, son! I will tie a knot in your ass, diablo-style, if you get in my way! You understand me, son?! Do you get me?! do you get my drift?! Do you?!

Waiter: I do! [ wrestles Gary Busey to the ground and beats him up ]

[ Gary separates himself from the rumble and stands ]

Gary Busey: I was in the parking lot of a Frito Lay factory outside of Denton, Texas, when, suddenly, these aliens came down. and the weird thing about these aliens was, all their fingers lit up - except for the E.T. finger. That one was black as night. And I told 'em, I said, "Look, you sonofagun-"

[ Waiter wrestles Gary Busey to the ground again ]

[ cut to Suzanne in private interview ]

Suzanne: Um.. nothing he said made sense.. he was really rude, and.. his teeth looked and sounded like vertical blinds.. But.. [ considering ] ..yeah.. I'd.. I'd go out with him again!

V/O: Coming up next, on "Star Dates"..

[ cut to Gary Busey waving flaming shish-kabobs ]

Gary Busey: Hey! Little tiny lady baby! Come back!

Waiter: [ douses Gary with a fire extinguisher ] Can I show you the dessert menu? Or how about I just give you the check?

Gary Busey: [ shaking it off ] I was on a wet and wild waterslide with Emmanuel Lewis, and we was sword fighting over a piece of pizza..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts