02j: Ray Liotta / The Donnas

The Hangman

The Hangman.....Ray Liotta
Bart.....Will Forte
Bart's Wife.....Amy Poehler
Grandma.....Rachel Dratch

"He protects the region
No honest man should fear him
He's swift to call for justice, he is..
The Hangman."

Anouncer: "The Hangman"! In color!

[ dissolve to close-up on Hangman's noose. camera pans to reveal Hangman speaking to criminal Bart from outside Bart's cell ]

The Hangman: This could be your last meal, so enjoy it. When it comes sunrise, you belong to me.. [ music sting ] ..The Hangman!

Bart: Don't you worry. My family will figure out some way to come up with the money.

The Hangman: For your sake, they'd better!

Bart: Oh, they won't let me down.. I just know it.

[ Bart's Wife and Grandma enter ]

Bart's Wife: Well, Bart.. we couldn't raise the money. I fear tomorrow morning, you belong to.. [ music sting ] ..The Hangman!

Grandma: It's not over, child! The Lord will show us the way out of this dark valley.

Bart's Wife: I hope you're right, Grandma.

Bart: Please, Hangman.. I don't want to die. I only stole that cow so I could get some milk for my younguns.

The Hangman: Well, I'm sorry, son. That cow belongs to Col. Blackstone, and he's a mighty powerful man in these parts.

Bart's Wife: But Col. Blackstone doesn't deal out the justice in Stone Canyon. You do, Hangman. Isn't there anything you can do?

Bart: Isn't there anything you want?

The Hangman: Could you ladies excuse us for a second? [ the women exit ] I need to set you straight, partner! You don't try to bribe.. [ music sting ] ..The Hangman!

Bart: I'm sorry.. I-

The Hangman: I want you to hear something, and I want you to hear it good! I am.. [ music sting ] ..The Hangman! Justice is my creed, and justice is my way of life!

Bart: I-I understand-

The Hangman: On the other hand.. I am incredibly horny! So.. maybe we could work something out, if ya.. get my drift.

Bart: [ unsteady ] I.. never made it with.. another man.. but I guess-

The Hangman: Whoa, whoa, whoa! not you, homo! I'm talking about that fine lady you brought with you.

Bart: Hangman, I don't want to die. But my marriage is a sacred thing. I'm not sure my wife could ever forgive me if I asked her to lay with you..

The Hangman: A-gain! you're getting waaay ahead of me! I am not a homewrecker! I don't want you wife. [ a beat ] I want your grandma! [ laughs ]

Bart: Aw, man! That's gross!

The Hangman: You're not in a position to judge! I mean, what's the big deal? I's like the gray foxes! [ laughs sadistically ]

Bart: Come on, man! She's 82!

The Hangman: 82 years.. young.

Bart: That didn't make it sound better! You still want to have sex with my grandma!

The Hangman: It's either that, or you swing from the gallows!

Bart: [ shaking head ] Oh.. I gotta talk to my wife about this.. Katie! Come here!

[ Bart's Wife re-enters ]

Bart's Wife: What is it, Bart?

Bart: Well.. the Hangman's willing to let me go.. in exchange for sexual favors..

Bart's Wife: [ willing without question ] Alright, Hangman! You're in for the ride of your life!

Bart: [ outraged at her willingness ] Keep your bloomers on, Katie!

Bart's Wife: I know it's a big sacrifice.. but if he's willing to let you go, I'll do him and his buddies!

Bart: Wait! Who-who said anything about his buddies?! Hey, he doesn't want you! He wants Grandma!

Bart's Wife: [ now turned off ] Well, that's gross! Hangman, please.

The Hangman: What?!

Bart's Wife: Come on, you're like 30! And she's 82! And a ripe 82, at that! It's not normal!

The Hangman: It's more common than you think. Late at night, I get on the telegraph.. a lot of people are into older ladies! [ changes subject ] Anyway! That's the only way Bart goes free!

Bart: [ relunctant ] Katie, she's, uh.. your grandma.. so, uh.. maybe you should ask her?

Bart's Wife: I am not gonna ask my Grandma to bone the Hangman!

Bart: Fine! Fine! I'll ask her! Grandma, come here! [ Grandma re-enters ] The Hangman said he would let me go.

Grandma: [ relieved ] I knew the Lord would save you!

Bart: Not so quick, Grandma.. there's a catch. You see, uh.. he wants to, uh.. how do I put this, uh.. I can't really say this out loud.. He wants to.. [ bends over and whispers in Grandma's ear ]

Grandma: What? Huh? Posse?! I don't have a posse! What?!

The Hangman: Let me tell her! Ma'am, I'll let Bart go if you agree.. to make love with me.

Grandma: [ turned off ] Oh, that's gross! Come on! I'm 82!

Bart's Wife: [ being helpful ] I could wear a grey wig, soak in the tub and get all pruny!

Bart: Katie!

Bart's Wife: What?!

The Hangman: That won't do! Grandma, you are the only thing that can save Bart from the noose!

Grandma: [ giving in ] Fine! I'll do it! I gotta worn ya - last time I did this, I broke my hip!

[ Hangman and Grandma exit to back room ]

Bart: I feel terrible for putting Grandma through that, but, uh..

[ Hangman and Grandma re-enter ]

The Hangman: Ohhhhh, I couldn't go through with it! You're good country people.. so I'm gonna let you go free, and stay true to the Hangman's Code!

Grandma: Hangman's Code? Please! I unbuttoned his pants, and Quickdraw McGraw here was done!

The Hangman: It doesn't matter, the reason! I'm letting you go, Bart! [ opens up cell ]

Bart: Hangman, I think you need some help.

The Hangman: Leave, before I change my mind! And don't be telling everybody about this! I have a reputation to maintain! After all, I am.. [ music sting ] ..The Hangman!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts