02k: Matthew McConaughey / Dixie Chicks

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

.....Jimmy Fallon
.....Tina Fey
Joseph Jackson.....Tracy Morgan
Patrick Kelly.....Will Forte
Gunther Kelly.....Fred Armisen



Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey."

Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon. Here are tonight's top stories.

Yesterday, Attorney General John Ashcroft and Homeland Defense Secretary Tom Ridge officially upgraded the nation to Terror Alert Level Orange. [ SUPER: "Happy Orange Alert!" ] Hey! Happy Orange Alert, everybody!

[ Tina and Jimmy begin dancing to "One Time We're Going To Celebrate" ]

Tina Fey: In a documentary that aired on "20/20" this Thursday, Michael Jackson discussed his fondness for kids, saying, "I have slept in a bed with many children. I am Peter Pan in my heart.. and Pinocchio in my pants."

During Thursday night's interview, Jackson claimed to have had no plastic surgery on his face, except for two nose jobs. But, here at Weekend Update, we have put together a photo compilation of Michael that seems to prove otherwise. Here is Michael today.. [ holds up current photo of Michael Jackson ] This is Michael a year ago.. [ holds up older photo of Michael ] Here is Michael in 1995.. [ holds up photo of LaToya ] This is Michael in '92.. [ holds up photo of Janet ] Here's Michael in 1988.. [ holds up photo of Keisha Knight Pulliam ] And, finally, here is Michael as a child. [ holds up photo of basketball player ] You know, maybe we telling the truth, actually.. I don't know. Oh, and also, we have used computer-generated imagery to hypothesize what Michael will look like ten years from now. Okay, check this out. [ holds up photo of sock puppet with eyes ] He looks pretty good!

A Missouri man has been sentenced to five years in jail for stealing Nicolas Cage's Porsche. Meanwhile, Cage himself roams the streets unpunished for "Captain Corelli's Mandalin".

This week, the Pentagon released a $380 billion military budget for this year, that does not include any money for a war with Iraq. According to Pentagon officials, if President Bush wants a war, he'll just have to get a summer job and pay for it himself.

After Colin Powell's presentations to the UN Security Council, showing evidence of Iraqi biological weapons, Baghdad called the satellite photos nothing different than "cartoon films". They were undoubtedly referring to the popular Iraqi cartoon show "Anthrax the Squirrel and the Mobile Laboratory Fun Bunch".

Actress Lara Flynn Boyle is reportedly vying for the role of Lois Lane in the newest Superman movie. I don't know, Lara. Her name is "Lois" Lane, not "Fat Ass" Lane. Hit the treadmill, and we'll talk.


Tina Fey: [ laughing harder than the audience at Jimmy's joke ] Since "20/20" aired the Michael Jackson interview Thursday night, there's been an enormous public response. Here commenting for the first time sicne the interview, is Michael Jackson's father Joseph Jackson.

Joseph Jackson: Hi, Tina. Hi, Jimmy. Thank you for letting me have my say!

Tina Fey: Mr. Jackson, what did you think about Michael's interview?

Joseph Jackson: It was riduckalous! Tina, people said I was crazy 'cause I named my son Tito! That freaker dude named his kid blanket! What's he gonna nae his next kid?! Sleeping bag?!

Tina Fey: So, you don't approve of the way Michael is raising his children?

Joseph Jackson: It's riduckalous! Those kids got it too easy! They need to get jobs!

Tina Fey: But the oldest one is only five..

Joseph Jackson: Well, boo-hoo! Let me tell you - all my kids had full-time jobs by the time they were five! And if they didn't like it.. [ whips his belt off of his pants ] ..they could talk to my belt! I still use my belt on all my kids, except for Marlon 'cause he got a bad back! And not LaToya or Michael, 'cause I swear for God those two scare the bejeezus out of me!

Tina Fey: [ laughing ]

Joseph Jackson: Ooh! One time.. I mean, one time, I was sleeping on my own gold-plated La-Z-Boy chair, LaToya and Michael peeped over the headrest at me, and I thought for a minute I was being attacked by glow-in-the-dark vampire bats! I would like to say, I almost crapped my drawers!

Jimmy Fallon: So, so you did crap your drawers, is that what you're saying?

Joseph Jackson: Don't you sass me, Jimmy Fallon! Don't you do it! I'll put you over my knee and beat you 'til candy come out!

Tina Fey: Well, uh.. thank you for being here, Mr. Jackson. Thank you..

Joseph Jackson: [ angered ] Don't you tell me when to leave! I will leave when I damn well feel like leaving! [ a beat ] Now, I feel like leaving now. [ looks offscreen ] Jermaine! Get the car!

Tina Fey: Joe Jackson, everybody.

In Kansas this week, over a hundred fish were found dead in the Baker wetlands, and local environmentalists feared that someone may have deliberately killed them. In response, President Bush said that now we have no choice but to go to war with Iraq.

A man named Russell Cialis is suing a drug company to stop them from naming their new impotency drug Sialis. I just hope he has better luck than Doug and Edna Vagisil.


Jimmy Fallon: Nokia announced this week that it will launch a handheld video game system that's also a cell phone. Too bad I already beat them to it. [ holds up a cell phone taped to a Playstation 2; it rings, and Jimmy holds it to his ear ] Hello? Yes. Oh, okay. [ hangs up ] Apparently, I'm an idiot.

Crunch Gym is offering a new training program called Meet Your Match, which combines exercise classes with singles dating activities. And you thought you already worked hard not to fart during yoga.

Yesterday, in the Nicauraguan capitol of Managua, boxing promoter Don King was given the key to the city. Then, when the citizens of Managua woke up the next morning, they found that the city was gone.

An Austrailian man won the 26th Annual Empire State Building Run-Up Tuesday, taking just nine-and-a-half minutes to run up the 86 floors to the observation deck. Nobody was more suprised than the handyman caught masturbating on the 73rd floor stairwell.


Tina Fey: President Bush recently unveiled his new tax plan, and it's very, very complicated. To help make sense of it, please welcome, from H&R Block, Patrick & Gunther Kelly.

Patrick Kelly: Hello, everyone. Uh.. the new tax laws for 2003 include a lot of rule changes. There are cuts for the dividend tax, as well as capital gains. It's very complex.

Gunther Kelly: With the tax season coming up, as a public service, we've composed a little song to help the average American learn everything you need to know about the new tax guidelines. It's educational, and fun.

Patrick Kelly: So pay attemtion, here's "The Tax Code Song"! Listen carefully!

[ music plays ]

Gunther Kelly: [ singing ]
Do-do-do-do da do-do-do-do
Do-do-do-do da do-do-do-do
Do-do-do-do do-do-do-do
Uh-oh do-do-do-do da dum!"


Patrick Kelly: [ singing ]
Ahhhhhh-ahhhhhh-ahhhh!
Ahhhhh-ahhhhhhh-ahhhhh...!"


Jimmy Fallon: For "Weekend Update", I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.


SNL Transcripts