Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 13


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02m: Christopher Walken / Foo Fighters



Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

.....Jimmy Fallon
.....Tina Fey
Christina Aguilera.....Maya Rudolph
.....Steve Martin
.....Will Ferrell
.....Britney Spears

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Centre, this is Weekend Update, with Jimmy Fallon, and Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey, and here are tonight's top stories.

Well, this week the mind-blowing conclusion of "Joe Millionaire" that Fox promised turned out to be nothing more than a monetary prize. This was not nearly as exciting as the rumoured surprised twist that Evan Marriott is really a shaved ape.

NBC will launch a new reality series this Spring called "Who Wants To Marry My Mom?" Not to be outdone, Fox has announced plans for a new show called "Vagina Auction."

Tina Fey: Well, the awesome, super effective office of Homeland Security unveiled a major, new advertising campaign this week designed to help the public prepare for possible terror attacks. Now we have a couple of the print ads here, so let's take a look at them in advance.

Now this first one is just a general statement to be placed on billboards. (Holds up a picture of the devil with the warning: DON'T RELAX) That's just to help everybody out on what you should do. This next one I think is for New York City subways. (A sign saying DO YOU SMELL SOMETHING WEIRD?) Do you smell something weird? You better hope its pee!! This next one is to tell people of places they might want to avoid. For example (A sign of Osama Bin Laden walking around the city), avoid the outdoors, there's bad guys everywhere. Also, avoid the indoors (a picture of a family with Osama Bin Laden looking in though the window), see a nice family with Osama Bin Laden looking through the window. This one is going up in elementary school (a picture of a skull that says, WE'RE GONNA GET YOU) to help the kids to deal with what's going on. And finally this last one tells you exactly what to do at each level of terror alert (picture of a man screaming that says, AAAGH, AAAGH!!) So thank you office of homeland security. They're working over time to help you crap your pants. Back to you Jimmy!!

A group of wealthy democratic donors are trying to start a liberal radio network which would feature 14 hours of daily commentary. The only question that remains is, can Phil Donahue talk for 14 consecutive hours? Yes, yes he can.

Tina Fey: This Sunday, CBS will air the 45th Annual Grammy Awards held right here in New York City. Here with her thoughts is former Grammy winner, Christina Aguilera.

Christina Aguilera: Hey Jimmy, hi Tina. Wassup, how you feeling?

Tina Fey: We feel great. Now what about you? Your album didn't come out in time to be nominated so how does that make you feel?

Christina Aguilera: Oh, you know its just, (laughs) I don't know I feel like [ sining ] "Noooooooooo, oh oh oh no.."

Tina Fey: So… is that good or bad?

Christina Aguilera: Come on Tina boo. You know how we do. Its just like my momma used to say to me, she'd be all like: "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, oh, oh, oh, oh…"

Tina Fey: I don't know what that means.

Christina Aguilera: Tina girl, I'm an artist. You know? It's like whatever you know, I'm like nobody's puppet or muppet, and you know… as far as the Grammy's go I just feel like: "Maoooooooooooohhhhhh.. ahhhhh, ah , ah ah…"

Jimmy Fallon: Hang on Tina I think I understood that. She's saying she is going to watch the awards this year…

( Christina begins singing as Jimmy translates)

Jimmy Fallon: From her house…

(Christina continues singing)

Jimmy Fallon: Under a pile…

(Singing continues)

Jimmy Fallon: Under a pile of Orlando Magic basketball players…

(Christina continues to sing, reaching higher notes than before)

Jimmy Fallon: She also says that she heard all the jokes you've been telling about her…

(Singing continues)

Jimmy Fallon: You'd better watch your back…

(Singing continues)

Jimmy Fallon: Biotch!!

Tina Fey: Christina Aguilera everybody!!

Well according to friends of Billy Joel, the piano man's new 25 year old girlfriend bears a striking resemblance to his daughter Alexis. If Freud were alive today and was asked to comment on this, I'm sure he'd say, “I'm the father of modern psycho-analysis miraculously brought back to life in the 21st Century, and your asking me about Billy Joel's girlfriend?”

According to new agricultural guidelines, farmers in Colorado will now be allowed to grow genetically modified corn. Genetically modified corn is the same as regular corn except that when you bite into it, it screams.

(Steve Martin walks into the screen)

Tina Fey: Hi Steve. What are you doing here?

Steve Martin: I'm doing a cameo.

Tina Fey: Oh, ok. Just doing a cameo huh?

Steve Martin: Yeah, I was just at home in bed, and I thought, "I'd like to do a cameo."

Jimmy Fallon (quietly) So, what's he doing?

Tina Fey: (quietly) He say's he's doing a cameo.

Jimmy Fallon: Steve, do you wanna tell a joke or something?

Steve Martin: Oh, no. Just doing a cameo. And I think its going well.

Tina Fey: Uh, how long is your cameo?

Steve Martin: Just regular cameo length. Just a few more seconds and…there we go.

Tina Fey: Oh, alright. Well, great work, that was a really great cameo.

Steve Martin: You think? (Gives thumbs up, and then leaves)

Tina Fey: Steve Martin everybody.

Mike Tyson surprised sports fans this week, with a new tattoo on his face. But before you judge Mike Tyson's new tattoo, wait until its finished so you can see the entire rape scene.

Next week is the eating disorders awareness week - fatsos!

The Dallas Cowboys' Cheerleaders announced this week that they will be holding tryouts across the country to find new stars for their squad. Hmm… lets see… (pulls out a notepad, begins writing) I'll need dancing lessons, yes, yes… $4000 for a boob job, and some duct tape to hide my penis… yes, yes Tina Fey, this plan might work…

Tina Fey: In other news, rumours are circulating in England of a possible Spice Girls reunion… (gets cut off by Jimmy)

Jimmy Fallon: Oh wow!! Thank god, I can finally end my hunger strike. (Jimmy pulls out a huge burger and begins to eat it)

Tina Fey: Eat it!! All of it… (Jimmy continues to eat, then stops to laugh) Eat it all!! (Jimmy begins eating again) That's like 8 hours old, by the way. Alright…now a good friend of ours here at SNL… (to Jimmy) are you alright?

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah…

Tina Fey: (back on track) A good friend of ours here at SNL left the show last year and none of us has seen him since. There has been an air of mystery of what he's been up to, here to talk about it, is our own, beloved Will Ferrell!!

Will Ferrell: Hi Tina, hi Jimmy!! Ah, sorry I haven't kept in touch … the truth of the matter is, I quit the biz.

Tina Fey: You quit show business??

Will Ferrell: That's right Tina, I quit. Got myself a little place up in little Sonoma . Not too big. I do some farming, raise some organic chickens, make my payments, and hang out with my special lady.

Tina Fey: well, that sounds pretty nice actually.

Will Ferrell: Yeah, it was my girlfriend's idea. I guess she was tired of show business too, and suggested… you know what? What am I doing? I should let her tell the story. Ah, Britney, you wanna… My new lady Britney Spears everybody!! (Britney comes and sits next to Will) Oops… oops… oops, I did it again. I fell in love with Miss Britney Spears!

Britney Spears: Will, your embarrassing me.

Will Ferrell: I'm sorry, I'm sorry…I guess love makes me do crazy things.

Jimmy Fallon: So its not Colin Farrell, its Will Ferrell?

Britney Spears: I think we're a little past the dating, Jimmy.

Will Ferrell: Yes, I little past dating. (laughs)

Britney Spears: Yes, yes.

Tina Fey: Now Britney, there's been a lot of crazy rumours about you in the tabloids lately. I read yesterday that your running a Columbian drug car tail, or what are you doing…

Britney Spears: I mean, these tabloids are ridiculous really. They follow you around, they take your picture, they rat on every move you make. You know what its like, Tina…

Tina Fey: No, no I don't know…

Will Ferrell: Listen to me paparazzi! You stay away from my Britney!!

Britney Spears: Now, come on you guys, you can't believe these tabloids. The truth is, I'm living on a farm in Northern California with Will, Will Ferrell here, and I love him so much, he's so funny… yes, so funny. Oh, yesterday we were in the barn, and…

Will Ferrell: Oh yes, you've gotta listen. This is great, tell it, tell it!!

Britney Spears: Okay, and our cows walking right? Now this poor cow, he's so sick, I mean, me and Will, we know nothing about farming.

Will Ferrell: Yeah, we're horrible farmers. All our animals are sick. All of them…

Britney Spears: Yeah, all of them. So I say, ' maybe we should try and milk her' right? So Will says, 'maybe I should try and milk you.'

(Britney and Will both start giggling)

Will Ferrell: Yeah, I did!! I said that!! I can be pretty crazy…

Jimmy Fallon: Will, Will!! I thought you were married…

Will Ferrell: Jimmy, look who it is!! It's Britney Spears!!

Britney Spears: Jimmy, if only you could know how much I love this man, like…

Will Ferrell: I'm gonna cry!!

Britney Spears: Don't cry!!

Will Ferrell: I am gonna cry!! (Britney continually tells him not to cry, and he keeps telling her he's going to cry)

Tina Fey: Gross!! I mean, great!! Will Ferrell and Britney Spears everyone!!

Will Ferrell: Buy our dairy foods!!

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

(Jimmy is about the throw the pencil, but a karate man comes breaks it in half with his hand)


Submitted by: Roseanne S.


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