02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

Versace Oscar Special

Donatella Versace.....Maya Rudolph
Adrianna.....Salma Hayek
Joel Royce.....Amy Poehler
Ricardo Ferost.....Fred Armisen
Michael Jackson.....Dean Edwards
.....Christina Aguilera

Announcer: Versace…extravagance…decadence…Donatella Versace

(SUPER: Versace Oscar Fashion Preview. Cut into a scene of four half naked studs carrying in Versace on a stretcher)

Donatella Versace: Ah…hello everybody. It's my Oscar Fashion Preview coming to you live from my boutique over Roseo Drive.

Adrianna: Hello Donatella.

Donatella Versace: Who the hell are you?!

Adrianna: Like I've told you the other fifty times we've met, I'm Adrianna, the head of operations for all of your stores in California.

Donatella Versace: Well, right now you're the head of getting me some more champagne!

Adrianna: Boys! (She claps her hands and the guys light Versace a cigarette and fill her glass)

Donatella Versace: Mmm…thank you. Now tell me again why I am her today?

Adrianna: Donatella, it's time to pick the Oscar dresses for the actresses.

Donatella Versace: AAAHH!! Actresses!! Gross!!! (She tries to run away, but is grabbed by the nimble Adrianna) Let go bitch!

Adrianna: No, no, no, no, no, you have to work, we have work to do. (Continues to restrain Versace)

Donatella Versace: I'm not going to bitch, I'm serious!

Adrianna: Bitch, I'm more serious! (She gives Versace a huge slap)

Donatella Versace: (she recoils then faces back the audience, smiling) That was fantastic. Now tell me which ones are coming in, WHICH ONES!!!

(Adrianna grabs a notebook, opens it, and begins to read)

Adrianna: We have…Meryl Streep.

Donatella Versace: Pantsuit.

Adrianna: Salma Hayek.

Donatella Versace: Sweater dress, off-the-shoulder, with "Donatella" written on the ass in sequins.

Adrianna: Nicole Kidman

Donatella Versace: Strapless leather micro-mini with peek-a-boo cutouts.

Adrianna: Kathy Bates

Donatella Versace: Douve cover! From the Versace home collection.

Adrianna: Sharon Stone

Versace: Straitjacket and tights.

(A guy and girl enter the boutique wearing secret-service-like headphones over their ears)

Joel: Hello, hi, we're here to pick up a dress for Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Ricardo: Yeah, CZJ needs a gown.

Joel: (speaking into her headphone) Yeah, what? Catherine?

Ricardo: (also speaking into headphone) Perfect.

Joel: Zeta-Jones?

Ricardo: Sounds excellent

Joel: You got it.

Ricardo: That's funny.

Joel: ZJ, that's great.

Ricardo: Sure.

Joel: Certainly

Ricardo: Great idea.

Joel: Okay.

Ricardo: Brilliant.

(they stop speaking into the headphones)

Joel: Hi, I'm Joel Royce and this is, um…

Ricardo: Hey, I'm Ricardo Ferost for Catherine Zeta-Jones' people.

Donatella Versace: Great. You bitches put your heads together, eh?

Together: (obeying) Okay…

Donatella Versace: Now take tiny, baby steps towards me.

Together: (coming forward) Alright…

Donatella Versace: Little closer, a little closer. (Her head is millimeters away from theirs, she begins whispering) You tell that bitch that I need to see her pregnant Zeta-ass in person, but also tell that mofo that I love her so much, and when she comes back if she could just bring me a hotdog? Please? Just a small one with a little relish…(directly into their ears) NOW GET OUT!!!

(They quickly retreat outside the boutique, just as Michael Jackson comes in)

Adrianna: Donatella, I don't mean to alarm you, but Michael Jackson's at the door.

Donatella Versace: Who??

Adrianna: Michael Jackson!

Donatella Versace: Oh no, that crazy bitch. What should we do? Hide?

Adrianna: No, that doesn't work with him. Let's pretend we're mannequins!

Donatella Versace: Okay.

(They both position themselves into stylish model poses, Versace still with her cigarette and champagne bottle)

Michael Jackson: Hello? Yoo-hoo! YOO-HOO!! YOO-HOO!!! I wanna buy some stuff…(fingering Adrianna's hair) I wanna buy these two mannequins! Yoo-hoo!

Donatella Versace: (not moving from position) They're not for sale!

Michael Jackson: Okay…bye mannequins! Halloo! Bye…HALLOO mannequins!! Bye mannequins…HOO-HOO!!!

(They break their poses)

Adrianna: Okay, he's gone.

Versace: Thank God.

Adriann: Thank God.

Donatella Versace: So what do we do now, fold sweaters?

Adrianna: No, we actually have to keep going over the dresses for the Oscars.

Donatella Versace: Alright.

(Christina Aguilera enters)

Christina Aguilera: Donatella! (singing) You are beautiful…

Donatella Versace: Christina! (drunkenly singing) You are beautiful…oh my God, I'm loving you! It's the beautiful new face of Versace, Christina Aguilera! You are my baby, ah? Yes, I want to hold you in my arms and pat you on your little back like a tiny baby. Then I can burp you, and put a little powder on your bottom…

Adrianna: (separating them) Don't be a weirdo, Donatella.

Donatella Versace: Okay

Adrianna: Hi, Christina darling, what can we do for you?

Christina Aguilera: I'm actually going to an Oscar party, and I need something glamorous to wear.

Donatella Versace: Oh, anything for you, here you go. (She rips off her dress, revealing a white bra and what appears to be a puffy blue diaper, and gives it to Christina)

Christina Aguilera: Donatella, you dirty bitch! This is beautiful!

Donatella Versace: (waving her off) Ah…you're the beautiful bitch!

Adrianna: You're both beautiful bitches! (she drapes her arms over both)

Donatella Versace: Ah…we are all beautiful bitches, ah? Now let's go to my private and jet and go to that fancy McDonald's in Monte Carlo.

(They exit and the half-naked guys start dancing again while the SUPER: VERSACE'S OSCAR FASHION PREVIEW reappears)

Thanks to Minhquan Nguyen for this transcript!

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